Ecstasy 6

I don't remember how it ended up like this, we went to class and next thing I knew he was sitting next to me so normally as if we were close. I looked over at him as he wrote down some of the notes the professor wrote on the white board and I couldn't help but feel strange, was he actually serious? He wanted to partner up with me? Maybe it was just a last minute thing, after all, it was almost the last day of being able to choose a partner and I probably was the last person left. So basically he had to ask me since it was necessary for us to have a partner, it would have happened anyways. Although, was sitting next to me necessary? He had always sat up front with his friend, so why make the trouble of switching seats with someone he isn't even close with? It just feels so awkward sitting with someone else.

"Is there something on my face?" He turned to me smiling then placing his hand over his face feeling around for anything, I guess he noticed me staring.

"No, just, was thinking about something sorry" I look away sitting up then looking down at my notebook, he places his pencil down then leans down to look at my face.

"Well, did you want to work on the project later today? We could always do it at my place, or if you feel more comfortable we can go to yours." I press down on my pencil to hard snapping it's led my heart racing once more.

"What?" I responded with a nervous tone, I looked over at him and he chuckled at me moving closer.

"Well the due date is next week and I think it's easier if we start as soon as possible so we could go over it" he reaches over to me his hand getting closer to my face as he wipes "something" off "So did you want to do your place? We could always go together after school." My words suddenly disappeared and he was too close which broke my mind, I just nodded agreeing, why can't I move away? He removes his hand then places it back over his notebook lifting his pencil, his smile feeling infectious making me feel weird. I looked away back to my book and was confused with everything, he's coming over,

"What?!" Jule yells in shock.

"Sh! Don't be too loud" I look around scared as she looks at me confused.

"You invited him over?!" She yells whispering, "What's wrong with you?!"

"I didn't know what to say!" I yelled back at her keeping my voice quiet, " He was getting all touchy and it made my mind blank, anyways it's just for a project so it's nothing bad right?" she slaps the back of my head upset then crosses her arms.

"Did you forget Adonis is taking us home today? When he sees him being all "touchy" to you it won't end well you know he has a thing for you" she started to sound more concerned and worried.

"But it's not like it'll happen again, it was just once and he is just my partner for a project" I begin to feel guilty my anxiety building up my chest tightening "I also don't know how to feel about Adonis, I never said I felt the same or anything I can't even figure out how I feel about myself" should I really not do this?

"Hey Azul" speaking of him, "Oh hello, I'm Horus" he puts on that same soft, kind smile that makes my feel weird, I don't know what this feeling is but it's getting irritating.

"Hm" Jule looks at him up and down, her arms crossed and gives him a small wave, "I'm Jule, Azul's best friend" She wraps her arm around mine then smirks.

"Oh nice to meet you Jule, well should we start going Azul?" He looked over at me but I felt dumbfounded not knowing what to say.

"Jule" We hear another voice come from behind us turning around seeing Adonis stare at us, he comes over standing behind both of us towering over our heads, "Are you guys ready to go back now?" he says look down then back up seeing Horus.

"Yes, but it seems like Azul had brought a little friend to join us for his project" She looks back at Adonis with that same big smirk nodding her head.

"Oh, so he's coming over Azul?" He looked slowly back at me and his cold stare made my heart sink, how I am still alive I don't even know.

"Well I wanted to-" Horus speaks for me trying to explain but Adonis cuts him off.

"I'm not asking you, I want to hear it from Azul" He didn't remove his eyes from me and I stared down trying to avoid contact.

"Y-yes, we wanted to get started early for the project so I invited him over…" He nods then sighs, even if it was just a sign I could feel like he was disappointed.

"Okay, let's go Jule" He turns and walks away to the parking lot, we follow behind. When we make it to the car Jule opens the front door for me and signals me to get in, I guess she wanted to sit next to Horus instead. It felt so awkward, the atmosphere feeling heavy, nobody spoke and it was silent. I felt like I could hear my own heart beat and my blood flow.

"So what are your intentions with Azul?" Jule whispers over to Horus.

"What do you mean?" he looks over at her confused whispering back.

"I understand if you had to pick a partner, but if you are all touchy with Azul there has to be some sort of reasoning why you are" She had her suspicions of Horus and the situation.

"Well, it is true there was no one else left to choose but the reason why I had been "touchy" was because I found him cute so I figured I wanted to get closer to him and maybe ask him out on a date" he smiles then looks over at me with a gaze of interest.

"And how do I know if what you say is true?" she says looking over at me too but with more of a worried look on her face.

"Well, I promise you I only have good intentions, I want to make Azul happy" suddenly the car comes to a hard stop, Adonis stepping on the breaks quickly when a car rushes past ahead of us almost crashing into us at a green light; Adonis's arm had quickly go over me holding me to my seat so I didn't get hurt, I look over at him my heart sinking our eyes locking together once more.

"I'm afraid there's already someone doing that part," they both look at us as they hold onto their seats too "But you could always be someone close to him as a friend" She says smiling softly at him having pity.

We had arrived home after a couple minutes, everyone walking in silence, I walked behind Adonis as the others followed. I don't think it was a good idea bringing him here, I should have just gone to his house, it would have been less awkward; after taking off our shoes I grab Horus by his arm and take him up to my room trying to avoid everyone and just get this project done with for today. I know that this isn't helping the situation but I just can't deal with it right now, I just need to figure out myself first before I have to make these irrational decisions that could probably cause me more trouble. We reach my room and I quickly close my door behind me then sigh in relief of all of the tension between Adonis and I, but now I am alone with Horus which isn't any easier. 

"Are you and that guy together?" I look up at him as Horus sits on my bed with his hands together looking at me with curiosity in his eyes.

"What? No, he is just my best friend's brother" I put my bag down next to my desk chair then sat down brushing my hair back.

"So if I asked you out on a date you would be able to go?" He leans in waiting for my answer and I stop for a moment not sure if I heard right.

"What?" I look at him leaning in trying to listen closely.

"I know we are just partners for this project but I have admired you since we had English together freshman year," He moves closer on the edge of the bed then looks down chuckling "You were so quiet and always in your own little world, I had found it cute how you looked like a lost puppy" 

"Oh," I wasn't sure what to say but I couldn't say anything. "Then, why haven't you said anything to me from these past years? I'm not exactly scary so" it did fill me with curiosity why someone who says they admired me would not approach me if it was true.

"Well, I have considered it, but you and Jule were always together and she would always have her arm around you so I thought you guys were together" He looks back up at me chuckling at himself.

"Did you not hear the constant rumors and comments people would make of my sexuality?" doesn't feel like what he was saying was true.

"No, not till recently at least" his smile slowly fades then he takes a moment till he speaks again "When you were gone that day I heard people whispering about someone in the class being gone and they used the f slur and looked back at your seat so" He looked disappointed then looked down. 

"Even when I'm gone, how fun" I say sarcastically, smiling and laughing to myself, even if I'm not there people only ever have those things to say not even treating me like a human.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know things were like that for you-" I get up from my chair quickly, my heart racing, I feel every emotion from upset and angry to wanting to cry and break down.

"Of course you wouldn't, they treat me like a disease and as an outcast like some sort of disgusting creature that shouldn't even be alive" my voice begins to get shaky and crack tears forming in my eyes "but how would you know, I bet people love you and even if you came out they would accept you" he looks up at me worried but why am I even talking about this? "Let's just get this project done faster" I sit back down then turn my chair away, I turn on my computer but stay on an empty screen. I just want to disappear already, I just want to let go.