Ecstasy 5

"Azul, I understand that you're scared and that I might be be to forward with things but I want you to know that this isn't a random feeling or something temporary" he looks down at me with a more serious expression, I know I've seen it so many times before but it had scared me making my heart race with what he was saying. How was I supposed to respond? Do I feel the same about him or was all this emotions I have when I'm near him, or was it just a figment of something that isn't real. I can't understand my emotions and what I want anymore without doubts, it's hard to really think that I could really be with someone especially when I can't really figure out how to even love myself; I don't want to have the responsibility or issue of ignoring myself to take care of someone else. It has already been difficult to understand my own emotions it has been clear to me that I wasn't ready for this.

"Adonis…" I responded looking away from him, I was scared to hurt him but I can't lead him on.

"I know you're not in a good spot right now, and I am not expecting an answer this exact moment" He moves me a bit away his hands on my arms close to my shoulders, "But I do want you to know how I feel, whether or not you return my feelings, you will always have me with you" He moves his hand slowly up to my cheek brush his thumb against my skin, he softly smiles at me then removes his hand walking away to the car. Was I just overthinking things? Maybe, I'm the reason I am so unhappy.

Throughout the entire time of the dinner I couldn't help but disassociate myself from reality, it was as if I was real and the thoughts in my head only became louder. Throughout my years I always had let my memories take over me, the blaming, the comments about me, I always had let myself believe the only way I live is by going through this pain; I've come to terms that I will always be like this. Unhappy, hopeless, and distant myself from others but whenever something happens to me that could be a good opportunity it ends with me reverting to sadness and self sabotaging. I want to let go, I want to feel better, I really do, but how could I even do that without the anxious feeling of always wanting to go back to what I am so used to; I can't always know things or prevent things from happening, I just need to let myself be happy.

The next day came and the feeling in my chest still is there, but I can't even describe what it is. What if I do accept Adonis' feelings and be with him? Would it be worth a shot to see if things could change by chance? I never really dated anyone and if I do what do couples even do? Also dating my best friend's brother won't exactly be easy, if things don't end well then it'll be awkward and she could probably end up hating me. It would most likely be because of me the relationship ends but then again Adonis has a record of leaving people so there is a small chance of Jule hating him instead which is normal in a sibling relationship right? My phone alarm begins to tick for school but I don't want to wake up yet. I don't want to come back to reality just yet, maybe just a few minutes more…I snooze my alarm and slowly doze off, closing my eyes trying to sleep again.

"Azul!" A yell came from my door and I jumped up off my bed sitting up confused, "Don't fall asleep again, Adonis is taking us to school and his class starts soon, hurry up!" Jule yells from the other side of my door then bangs on it to make sure I am awake.

"Okay! I'll be down hold on" I sigh then get up off my bed brushing my hair back, I wish I could just have more of a different mindset or at least a stronger heart. I get up off of my bed going to my closet dozing off, I was so drained and tired of everything and this thinking didn't help, it had kept me up all night just wondering what to even do in this situation because I don't want to ruin things and end up alone.

"Hey, you okay?" I focused back into reality then turned my head to the door, Adonis leaned against the border and the door opened wide.

"Yeah, just, having trouble focusing" I looked back to my closet, my mind foggy, I don't even know what to wear today I feel so drained I just want to go in my sweats and a hoodie. 

"Do you need help? I can always help you choose what to wear if you can't find anything" I let out a soft sigh then nodded, I can't think right now and having someone else choose for me seems more simple than filling up my mind with more things to stress about.

"I guess, just something simple will do" I go back to my bed tossing myself onto it, I close my eyes and begin to sink in my body feeling heavy. I just wanted to sleep for a little longer, it is more simple than being awake having to deal with these things. I hear him rummage around my closet moving and taking out hangers then tossing items onto my bed next to me, I lift myself up slowly, my eyes squinting looking around my room then sitting down facing Adonis. "Did you finish yet? You don't have much time left until your class starts" I cross my legs then look over at the items he had chosen; a white shirt with a gray hoodie jean jacket over, with baggy jeans that had star shape designs all over. 

"Yeah you just need your shoes from down stairs and we can start going" I look back at him and my eyes finally adjusted seeing his outfit with the same sort of aesthetic, gray hoodie blue jeans with a black jean jacket instead of a blue one. It was like we were matching, but maybe it was just in my head.

"Thank you, I'll be down soon" I smile faintly at him still half asleep then get up off my bed, he looks at me for a few more seconds longer till he returns a smile as well then walking out my room closing the door behind him. I had changed into the clothes then got my backpack quickly then running out the door, I wasted too much time with all this sitting around Adonis won't make it. I reached downstairs seeing Jule waiting by the door on her phone waiting for me, I grabbed my shoes putting them on hopping on one leg trying to hurry.

"You're finally done sleeping beauty? Thought you were considering skipping today" She says laughing teasing me.

"I should have,, would have been easier but you can't miss your partner today too for class so come on" I finished putting on my shoes then grabbed her arm dragging her to the car where he had waited inside. I opened the back seat door and before I had got inside first Jule grabbed my bag pulling me away.

"I'm feeling a bit sick so I want the backseats to lay down, here" she takes me to the front seat, opening the door and helping me inside, before I got a word in I was already in and the door closed behind me. I hope I didn't get her sick, maybe I should buy her some medicine later today at the store after school.

I had been lost in thought and I forgot where I was, I still don't know how I should respond but I also need to focus on helping Jule get better because I did get her sick. Maybe I'll deal with it later, Jule is more important right now and I shouldn't ignore that just because of some silly situation. I hear a click come from the backseat like a camera taking a photo which snaps me back to where I was, I look behind me and see Jule giggling to herself staring at something on her phone.

"Did you take a photo of something?" I say turning my head and body to look at her.

"Um, no?" She smiles lying to me, she begins to type on her phone then hides it in her bag acting as if nothing happened.

"What was it? Why was it funny?" I questioned her but I felt like I knew what it was already, but why would it be funny?"

"We are here, I'll drive you guys back home just meet at Jule's class" We nodded then got off the car leaving Adonis behind as we headed to class. He checks down on his phone to see a message on his notifications, he clicks on it, opening a image of me and him together in the front with the message below reading "You owe me big time", he chuckles saving the photo then turns off his phone.

It was hell coming back here, even though it was just a day I didn't miss the constant homework and assignments we had in these classes and the notes I had missed didn't make things any easier. It was already Thursday and I haven't chosen a partner for my final class. Was there even anyone left? They all probably had chosen already so I don't even think there's a point in trying. I head to my final class separating from Jule which made everything around me feel so empty, I never liked that part. Being alone was already hard enough so having to leave her and without her by my side it felt like everyone was watching me and I was just alone in a world where everyone hated me, I tried my best to ignore it all and get through the last class but my anxiety had began to rise slowly the more people I had passed in the hallway.

"Hey, wait!" I heard a shout from someone behind me, I assumed something was going on but I didn't want to bother to look or even think it was about me, "Azul!" Hearing my name from someone else's mouth always made my heart drop, this didn't sound like Jule or Adonis. I stopped at my tracks then I began to overheat, I felt nervous and anxious, my anxiety taking over; what did I do? Was this where the bullying began to get physical? It has been bad but I didn't think it would reach the bruising and beating point. I hear footsteps get closer and a hand place on my shoulder behind me, I raise my head then turn my body looking at who had called me; he had brown hair that stylized with the center part bangs split like a leaf cut with a mullet, light hazel brown eyes and structured face and body. It seemed like every popular boy would bully others, so I might not be too far off, but don't they travel in groups?

"Did you need something?" I say to him my voice is struggling not stutter.

"Um, well," He has a bright smile, his teeth perfect and lips pretty light pink that blends in with his soft light white brown skin "For class, I noticed you didn't have a partner yet for the project so would you like to be my partner?" He looks down at me with a smile his energy feeling bright and peaceful, my heart began to race feeling something strange; was it because I was nervous or could it be him?