[Chapter 1]

//Similar to my [Tower To Heaven] fanfiction, except somewhat easier to write.

Just FYI, this is mostly supposed to be a comedy fanfiction with a bunch of smut thrown in, so I hope no Twitter white girl actually gets offended by this crap. And if you do, buzz off.//

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"...Did I get abducted by aliens or somethin'?"

A male, quintessentially British voice came forth from a young lad's throat as he stood on a... cloud? No, no, the surface was far too smooth and solid to be called that. It was like standing on a bathroom floor, except there were no tiles and everything was just a completely flat, barren wasteland with NOTHING on it. He couldn't even see the world curve over the horizon, further implying that this is, indeed... Minecraft-generated quartz super flat world!

"...Ain't no such thing bruh."

Yeah, that's bullshit. This place has a weird skybox though. The sky? Well, it was grey. Not a cloud in sight nor a source of light, there was no sun or moon. The world just... was. And this man, this young chad found himself in it—poor sod.

The lad was... well, a man first off if you couldn't tell by the pronouns I used. He's around 20 years old, not exactly a rich kid, not exactly a hot guy but he's up there and not to mention... he ain't got no yee-yee ass haircut. And his teeth are great, surprising, I know. The man's name is Jason. His surname doesn't matter, we won't need it. Jason is a well-built guy, standing at around 185 centimetres with broad shoulders and a resemblance of a six-pack under his black t-shirt that has the words "CHAINSAW MAN" on it with a picture of a chainsaw behind them. His hair is brown and shaggy, completely unkempt yet stylish, his eyes are also brown and his skin is slightly tanned. Completing his look is a pair of black sweatpants and red running shoes.

Jason was dressed rather leisurely simply because he was on his way to buy some Yorkshire Tea, but then he died. How? Well, let me show you in this brief video...

|>---->[ 💀.mp4 ]<---<|

Today was Saturday, a day just after the blessed Friday and before the stressful Sunday. It was a day of relaxation for many, Jason included. Obviously, he had no classes today. Thank goodness for that. And he also had a strange abundance of energy today, so he felt like actually going out. But his friends were all with their girlfriends, sons of bitches those guys are so that only left Jason to do something on his own.

"...Blimey, I would love some tea right now!"

His "Just one more colony" instincts were tingling, his body and soul demanded substance of the purest form. The purest there is... for a British person that is. Tea. The liquid that flows through his veins and imaginary ego. Jason wanted to drink it. So, he went to make some. There was but one problem though... the cupboard in his kitchen was FUCKING EMPTY MAN!

"...Cock."

And so, begins the journey of how Jason got the fucking tea, except he bloody didn't! Now, let us follow Jason on his- is he already dead?

"💀."

How the fuck-

Rewind this shit!

⏪⏪⏪⏪

Now, let us follow Jason on his journey to the convenience store that is just down the street. He put on some simple clothes, the same ones that he had on a few paragraphs up, and left the comfort of his home to walk the walk and... talk the talk? A-Anyway, narration!

"It's hot today..."

It was, after all, the part of town where he lived... he was lucky it wasn't raining right now! Luckily, it was summer and he could enjoy some soothing breeze while trying not to literally burn in the afternoon sun. The walk had been relatively uneventful, which only helped Jason realize that he left his headphones at home and couldn't listen to music. Well, he could actually, but he's not a fucking moron that would listen to anime music on the speaker for everyone to hear.

He arrived in front of the convenience store, relatively quickly though.

"Goodness me, let's hope their AC is on-"

-CRASH-

-SPLATTER-

...what?

Out of nowhere, a fucking truck, A FUCKING TRUCK landed wheels-first on the exact spot that Jason was previously at, splattering his blood and body parts across the street, killing him instantly. It was a cruel, cruel but hilarious irony that the truck was actually a delivery truck used as a railgun-shot projectile by a Russian orbital superweapon.

And... worst of all...

It had the fucking Yorkshire Tea plastered on its sides.

|>---->[ The End ]<----<|

So, that's how our hero perished in a tragic misfire of a weird-ass weapon. Truck-kun was fine though, as later interviews with the planet-falling truck revealed. Yes, you read that right. Moving on!

Jason blinked as he looked around before he heard something very papery get scrunched up in his left pocket. Reaching inside his pants, hehe, he pulled out a... fucking toilet paper? What? How did that whole roll fit in-

"Wait just a moment, this has a message written on it..."

Indeed. Words were written on the toilet paper from the inside. As he unrolled it, more and more words appeared before him. They were written in scratchy and terrible handwriting, being down with a permanent black marker that actually kind of stank if you ever bothered to smell it.

"Hello there! It is I, God Almighty, but most call me God. You, whoever you are (I couldn't be bothered by infusing this message with recognition magic), are indeed DEAD! Dun-dun-duuuun! But worry not, my child. You have a chance for redemption! Or... not really, it depends on your sins... ANYWAY! I have prepared for you, and everyone else that ever dies, a little game. Complete it, and you shall earn eternal paradise for yourself and your loved ones. Fail, and nothing happens. Generous, ain't it? That is all. Also, forgive my handwriting, I was on the toilet when I wrote this and apparently, it was Taco Tuesday... Also, can you like, sacrifice this toilet paper roll back to me? Thank you~ OwO"

Jason had arrived at the end of the message after reading it out loud... before rapidly blinking and looking up into the detailless grey sky, eyes full of death, concern, curiosity, and energy deprivation.

"...Does this mean..."

Slowly, life flooded his brown eyes as a large and happy smile found itself on his face. He was... happy? Strange, so very strange... Yet, Jason had a reason to be so ecstatic, delighted and joyous. You see, because he is now in his own little world, kind of, that means that he can now...

...

...

...

"DOES THIS MEAN I CAN STOP BEING BRITISH?!"