Alone and Messages

You were in deep sleep, so I didn't wake you. Call you later.

The note was under my cellphone on top of the table. Kawashita left the desk lamp turned on. It was around 20:30 when I found myself tucked in the sofa. I slept longer than I realized. The heater was running, the doors were locked, and he had made sure I was comfortable. I had a pillow behind my head and covered from neck to toe even if I was naked under.

I found the note after I got dressed, feeling slightly disoriented. I sat on the sofa staring at the note. This was what it felt like. The realness of my relationship with Kawashita. I had woken up alone a few times when I stayed over at Jun-senpai's place before and he had to leave early. But this was different. I couldn't pinpoint it yet, but this was my own undoing. I was the one who came up with no sleepovers.

I knew I didn't sleep well the night before, but I also didn't expect to be at that ease when he held me. I slept for too long. I got up from the sofa when it dawned on me, an immense sinking feeling hit me in the gut. For the first time in years, I was spending the night alone on this date, on the death anniversary of my mother.

A small bile of panic climbed to my throat. Immediately, I breathed in deep to try to clear my mind. It took several times before it did. I needed alcohol. I scurried to my refrigerator. My jaw dropped when I only found one can. The panic started coming back up, but I took charge. Without bothering to look at the mirror, I sauntered down and went to the nearest convenience store.

When I returned, the led indicator of my cellphone was blinking. I stopped in front of it and stared before I opened one can and the next and the next until none was left. It was effective. I threw up once, curled on the sofa again, and fell into a dreamless sleep.

I woke up with a splitting headache the next morning, but I welcomed it. Pain was a good reminder. After crawling to get some water, I checked the messages. Two were from Kawashita and one was from Jun-senpai, asking how I was and subtly hinting if I was seeing someone new. I tried to contemplate the reasons for his text but it made my head throbbed more, so I dropped it. It was the second time he contacted me after we broke up. He had sent me a short greeting on my birthday last October.

For longer than I could count, I stared at Kawashita's message, unsure. My feelings for him were still a puddle of emotions I'd rather avoid altogether. I was half-mad, half-disappointed, and half-nothing if that made sense. In the end, I found myself blaming him.

After all, he could have woken me up. So much for taking a bath together. So much for his coaxing words. I knew I was being unfair and ridiculous but the indignation against him felt gratifying.

In the end, I didn't reply to both.