Ugly Little Feelings

The guy in front of me reddened up to his ears, his nose flaring. He stood up. "For a woman, you're too arrogant. Who cares if you're studying in the University of Tokyo? No one would want to kiss that rude mouth."

I merely put my chin above my knuckles and eyed him. "It's not my fault you're a homophobic ass who wouldn't stop talking about himself as if there's something great in him other than his parents' money. You won't be even taller than me if I chose to wear heels."

"Why you?" He trembled and stepped towards, grazing the table.

"If I were you, I would stop right there." I raised a finger. "Let's stop before you embarrass yourself any further. Look around you, why don't you?"

He did and found that almost everyone in the café had turned and had been watching us. Some even had their phones up, recording most likely.

"Pay your share for the tea and leave quietly." I sipped my tea and broke eye contact.

The guy, whose name escaped my mind already, fished out his wallet and placed the money in the table with force. "I wouldn't have come if it weren't for Nanami."

"The feeling's mutual," I said without looking.

He harrumphed before finally walking away. When I was sure he was gone and the others turned back their eyes on me, I let my shoulders slumped. I knew this blind date thing was hard but it was especially hard on me because men were either intimated by my education or height. I took another sip of my tea and began preparing to leave when someone appeared in front of me.

"Why did you break up with your boyfriend again, Reiko?" Kazuya asked as he sat with a shake of his head. "That was excruciating to watch."

"How many times have I told you that it wasn't working out anymore?" I sighed and leaned back. "How long have you been here anyway?"

"Come on, the poor guy was so in love with you," he said, "We were here long enough to see you insult your date."

I didn't answer him because we had talked about this countless times already since it happened. That was six months ago. To be fair, I understood Kazuya's concern. Fujisaki Jun had been my first and only boyfriend for two years. It took me two weeks before I stopped constantly checking my phone for messages, a month to get used to no dinners and dates, three months until the rumors died down, and half a year to realize something

Looking at Kazuya's hair quite long black hair tucked behind his ears, I glanced around. "What are you doing here? Did you come to check up on my date?"

"Yes. Nanami sent us. She was quite worried."

I rolled my eyes. "That's the last time I'll ever ask her to introduce me to someone. She only knows arrogant, self-loving bastard like her boyfriend."

"Why'd you want a boyfriend all of the sudden?" he asked.

"Do you want me to be honest?" I sighed and leaned forward. "I get jealous of you and your boyfriend. Even Nanami and that blasted Sano are doing well. I want to go on dates with you too and not be a fifth wheel."

What I said were mostly true but there was no way I would admit it to them or anyone else that I was beginning to feel afraid…lonely. It was starting to get cold and would be even colder in the following days even the air already smelled different. It was almost smothering.

A shiver ran up my spine. I didn't really like autumn. It meant Mom's death anniversary would be around the corner.

"Why don't I take my turn and introduce you to someone?" another voice quipped. Tanaka-senpai, Kazuya's boyfriend, placed the tray he was holding on the table and got out his phone.

I smiled and nodded at him but Kazuya added, "Why don't you just get back together with Fujisaki-senpai, Reiko? He's not that bad you know. He has a stable job, and I'm sure he'll pass the bar exam."

"I know." I glared at him. "But would you want to settle with someone other than Tanaka-senpai here. Let's say, uh, a guy who's two years older than but stayed in liberal arts for two years before he transferred to the math department."

"You're talking about Tachibana-san." Kazuya frowned then he sighed. "Fine, fine, let's see who'll be the next lucky guy."

***

"Are you sure about this?" Nanami asked as she sat beside Kazuya on my bed.

The two of them arrived a while ago—the Sasaki Kazuya and Saitou Nanami package as I like to call them because if you befriend the other, you would get an instant friend. I used to include Tanaka-senpai since the three of them went in the same high school but hearing me call them that made Nanami cranky.

It was Friday night—the day I had been anticipating since last week, the beginning of everything.

"You know that senpai's friends are mostly jerks and not even up your par." Nanami stood beside me in the mirror mounted in my wall. She only came up to my shoulders and she gestured for me to squat a little as she fixed my hair one last time. She came because she wanted to make it up to me for my last bad date.

"Hey! Not all of them are jerks." Kazuya joined us in front of the mirror. "Plus it's hard to find someone who would be par up to Fujisaki-senpai."

"Not that again." I shook my head. "For your information, I would like someone opposite of him."

Kazuya clapped his hands. "Well, I guess it's your lucky day. I'm pretty sure it's one of Tachibana-san's friends."

"See." Nanami's eyes brightened. "That's more obvious reason why shouldn't go. I still have someone I know and I promise you, it won't be so bad like the last time."

"Nanami." I put both of my hands on her shoulder, slightly brushing against the ends her short hair. "I know you're worried but would please set aside your antagonism for Tanaka-senpai. I'm sure the one you know is one of your boyfriend's friends. I don't want a repeat of last time."

She winced but she nodded.

"I guess I just have to try my luck. After the last one, what's the worst that could happen?"

Within an hour, the three of us were finally out of my apartment.

"Flats, really?" Nanami eyed my plain brown doll shoes.

I locked the door and turned to her. "Yes, really. It'll be less awkward if he turns out to be shorter than me. The least I could do is save his ego."

Kazuya chuckled. "But it would be more awkward if he turns out to be shorter even with your flats."

I made a face and shook my head, slipping my keys into my bag. "Are you sure you won't accompany me to Shibuya? For moral support or aren't you at least curious to know which friend I would meet?"

"I wish I could, but I still have a class tonight." Nanami straightened her white cardigan. "I already missed out a lot."

Glancing at Kazuya, he gave a small smile. "Sorry, Reiko, as much as I want to, Ren and I are also going out tonight but if this goes well—" He winked at me. "We can go on double dates as many as you want."

We parted ways when we stepped out from the five floors tall apartment building which was newly painted in blinding white before I moved in last March. Kazuya and Nanami headed towards the direction of the university while I went in the opposite way towards a different subway train station after I watched their retreating figures disappeared. I breathed in deeply twice, calming my nerves, realizing that I was sort of nervous. What if he turned out to be not only short in height but short tempered too. That would be a disaster in the making.

He's just a guy. It's only a date, I told myself and continued walking.

I arrived ten minutes before the arranged time. I stood two meters away from the Hachiko statue, pretty relaxed than before, wondering what he would look like, and tying a red ribbon—our signal—to the strap of my purse though I doubted he could easily spot me because it was crowded with people who were also waiting for others. The sky had already turned dark with no moon in sight, but everything was brightly lit.

There was all kinds of buzzing from the indistinct chattering of people, one of the top songs of the week playing on the giant screen, and sounds of the busy streets I never expected I would miss. Well, not completely missed, but in this kind of place, I couldn't even hear myself think, and that was a comfort.

"Matsumoto-senpai?"