The disappointment

Colin

I stand up immediately because I don't want to have to engage in a conversation with him. I am terrified and not because I think he is going to hurt me.

He doesn't look like he wants to hurt me, and even through all the things that have been said about Lowell, I don't think he is dangerous. I have heard the talk of how he hurts people that get on his bad side and just for the fun of it. The fact that a man terrifies his kind should say a lot but it doesn't to me.

All the other packs are mostly peaceful, but the people in the shadow pack are made to look like savages and looking at this man, with all the tattoos. The smell of alcohol. The angry expression on his face, just lets me know that not all the talk is false.

"I know you,'' he blurts out as he walks over to me.

His stride is slow, but there is just something strong about him, his eyes bore into mine and I take a deep breath at the confusion in my head. His voice is deep, his presence is dark.

All man.

The opposite of me.

"I don't know you,'' I lie.

He scoffs.

Of course, he wouldn't believe me, because there is no one that doesn't know who he is. There is no one that would believe my words. He smirks as he stops in front of me.

"Sit down,'' he commands.

I obey immediately.

You can call it fear, but I know it is something else. From his position, he towers over me. His build is big, and he looks so fucking strong. Like all the people around me, this man is just more superior.

Slowly, I watch him as he takes a seat on the ground next to me. His breathing is rugged. There is warmth in his presence. He brings a bottle out of his pocket. "How old are you?'' he asks as he opens the cap and takes a gulp from it.

"Old enough.''

He laughs as he passes it to me.

This man is older than me. He looks like he has seen and dealt with life but for the first time in my life, I am not afraid. i feel like I can actually be myself with someone, and I want to see what it is. I take the flask from him and he watches me, waiting for me to drink.

I take a big gulp and then hand it back to him, smiling, because I just felt like this is the most real moment I have ever had with anyone. Vodka runs down my throat and I clear it to get the taste out of my mouth.

I am not a fan of alcohol.

"Why are you here and not with the party?''

I raise a brow "Why are YOU here and not with the party?'' I ask him the same question playfully. He tells me that he hates parties and would rather be by himself.

I feel the same but I don't tell him that.

"You are supposed to be this scary Alpha, why don't I feel scared?'' I ask him. The alcohol is hitting me because I seem to be rambling.

Maybe I will continue talking until he admits something. He takes another gulp and passes it to me again. We do this back and forth for a couple of minutes before he answers my question.

"Because I won't hurt you,'' his voice is so low that I almost don't hear him. I think it is the alcohol as I lie on my back and close my eyes. the weather is cool, the sky is calm.

We are all alone together.

I reach out and take his hand, then pull him over to me, and he comes willingly, I wait for the spark. I wait for the one thing that I know I am supposed to get from a touch with your mate but it doesn't come.

That feeling of bliss that they talk about, the feeling of hope and joy. it is not there and all that clouds me is a disappointment.

I don't know what he is thinking as I close my eyes again, still holding his hand.

It is almost like holding nothing-just something to hold...the same way you would hold a pillow with no padding in it...nothing. The desperation in me wanted this to be real.

I don't even care who it is anymore."What is wrong?'' he asks, almost like he can sense my hurting.

I open my eyes and his eyes are a bright blue like his wolf is out. Like he is looking at me for the first time.

"I don't feel anything,'' I confess angrily.

He furrows his brows and narrows his eyes "What were you looking to feel?"

I am on a mission.

I have been on a mission all my life and I was ready to choose this man that I don't even know. This man that I know my dads wouldn't want, all just because of fucking desperation and loneliness.

"Nothing,'' I let go of his hand and stand up.

"I should go,'' I blurt out as I take a step back.

He nods immediately and I wait for him to stop me because even though he is not my mate, I still want to be with him.

I still want his companionship and interaction and that is what makes this pathetic.

He doesn't stop me and I walk away, looking over my shoulder to give him one last look before walking away from the forest and back to the field.

Dad is the first one to notice me as I sit down and I see that same worried expression on his face "Are you okay?'' he asks me.

I nod with a fake smile. I don't like to lie to him but at the end of the day, I don't even know what is wrong with me and why all I feel on the inside is pain.

I should be able to talk to someone but I feel so alone in this world.

I feel someone watch me and my eyes find the pair of eyes. Ashina is watching me from her table and her stare is intense.

Even through all that, I see his eyes.