Perfection

I keep hearing voices in my head saying, "I'm never enough."

I am not enough.

Never.

Enough.

And if there are things in life where I can fit in, I would. So desperate and so thirsty for fitting into society and whatever standards they created. I would go the mile just to fit in and be seen.

That's how it will always be.

If only I were born differently. Maybe without the need to fit in. Or the urge to keep changing myself physically to feel enough. Society has made me hate myself each time I look at my reflection in the mirror. Or every time I socialize with others. I would always end up comparing myself with my circle.

If only the world were a little different. Different that society didn't need to create a standard to fit in. A world where everyone was loved for who they were without even having to change themselves because they were readily accepted.

But now, I am not accepted.

And I am not happy at all about it.

It is degrading to have society frown upon your stretch marks and scars like they were never your fault. The look of disgust whenever they see your curves shape your clothes like they never really fit you well enough.

For years, it has frustrated me and made me hate myself little by little. I kept telling myself I would lose weight, or I will go on a diet to cut the curves of my body off of me.

I stopped loving myself because they didn't.

It went on and on for years. People taking advantage of it by harassing me in all ways possible. The way some praised me was because sexually, curves were more attractive. It put me in self-questioning and self-doubt. And I didn't know who to be anymore.

I created versions of myself just so I could be someone I felt passed everyone.

That's when I lost myself.

I hold onto my breath tightly as I open my eyes. All I saw was bright white light. The kind of light they describe in heaven. Blinding, bright, and stunning.

I blinked my eyes several times trying to adjust to the room as I felt as if I was in a state of comatose for over a year. A rush of excitement, laughter, and smiles flood the room as I wake up. The doctor approaches me with a rectangular hand mirror in his hand.

He handed me the mirror and I hesitated for a moment before I decided to take one more breath and stared deeply into the mirror.

Perfection.