Chapter 3

The year ends in the same pattern things have been in for a while now. With the exception of Jacob's friend Embry going completely asshole and ditching him, Quil and well, me. Jake had told me about Sam Uley, the older guy on the res that saved me. Jake told me that Sam had gotten a little strange about a year ago and since then some other boys had followed his footsteps. Jake wasn't too surprised at Jared and Paul's decision to go dark since they're the right age and knew Sam but Embry took us all by surprise. Jacob and Quil are still torn up about it but were able to keep good spirits over the holidays.

Spending Christmas Day at our house with Jake and Billy felt so normal I could've burst with contentment. Presents (Jake's gift to me, a beautiful charm bracelet who's price I won't think about, with a hand carved, intricate, beautiful wooden tree charm attached, made my heart almost explode) good food filled the day and helped me and Jake keep our minds off our somber thoughts. This high carried us into the new year and it even helped soften the blow of school starting back up.

Even though my relationships with my friends at school had been at their best since I moved here I had been spending all my time with Jake and hadn't seen them much. They must've felt the same and we had all planned a movie night within a few weeks. I decided to invite Jake and Quil as well since it would be easier to see everyone more often if they were friends too. Angela, Jessica and I thought a shopping trip the Thursday before the movie would be a good idea since school would be out early. I even felt a slight bit of excitement at my upcoming plans.

After working out the date, time and plan for our night out we all headed home. Well they did, I went to see Jacob. We had both been getting used to being back at school for our last semester so I hadn't seen him in a couple of days and I missed him. I could feel it in my chest the pull to the res, to him. Now let's hope he's down for the movie.

I can tell he must be in the house since the garage light is off and head, as quickly as I can, in the misty rain to the front door, knocking before just letting myself in.

God I wish I was enough for him, because the way my heart skips a beat just at the sight of him at his kitchen table is a feeling I never want to stop.

He looks up as I walk in, his face splitting into my Jacob smile.

"Hey honey! Its been too damn long, I missed you. C'mere." He stands up and opens his arms to me, and no matter how fucked up it is I always go right to him and melt in his embrace.

I feel my body relax against him as my arms wrap around his neck and my feet leave the floor. Did I mention he's 6"5 now? And buff is an understatement at this point, but I still don't bring his muscles up to him.

"Hey Jake. I missed you too." I tell him almost shyly. "How's your school work?" I ask, genuinely interested but also looking for a non-awkward way to end our extended hug.

We both complain about our work-loads for a bit and then get our homework out the way. I bring up the movie as we plate leftovers of a meal I pre-made and froze for him and Billy.

"Do you and Quil have plans two Saturdays from now?" I ask him.

"I'm free and I'm sure that Quil is too but I'll have to double check. Why what's up?" He asks.

"Well my friends from school wanted to go to Port Angeles for dinner and a movie. I was hoping you guys would come too?" I ask and then realize my heart is in my throat waiting for his answer.

"A night with more pales face than just mine, sure why not." He agrees with a shrug of his shoulders and a smile.

"Great! And just let me know what Quil says." I tell him, feeling giddy inside that he's agreed.

Billy was staying overnight at the Makah reservation after he attended a funeral there, so I stay later than usual to keep Jake company. And fine, maybe there is a small ulterior motive of not wanting to be alone myself since Charlie is working the late shift.

After I fill Jake in on the details of our outing we sit down with popcorn and chocolate to watch a movie. His old but comfy couch is a decent size but we still end up sitting right next to each other, knee to knee, shoulder to shoulder. It feels so damn good that I can't even think about what a bitch move it is.

It's an action movie but its funny too and surprisingly neither of us fall asleep. I have to force myself to put on my shoes and coat when it's over, I know it's late and a school night but I could've sat there all night.

"Bells, it's late let me drive you home. I can come tomorrow and take you to and from school, then switch it up and hang out at your place?" He's almost pleading with me, had our time apart this week affected him like it affected me?

"Jake that's so much work for you." I weakly argue back, fully looking forward to seeing him so much tomorrow.

"It really isn't and not seeing you this week was shit, I think we deserve two days in a row to chill." He tells me with that look in his eyes, and the small smirk on his mouth, that could make you agree to anything he said.

And let's be honest I really didn't need to be coerced.

"Okay. Yes. Thanks Jake I really appreciate yo...it." I tell him.

The drive home is quiet, not awkward, it never is with us. Just content quiet. Jacob runs warm, I've worried over it but he promises me he isn't sick, and there's a deep chill in the air tonight so I find myself pressed against him for warmth. It's an easy drive and his right arm ends up around my shoulders. For the first time since Jake and I have gotten closer it takes my breath away how much I want this with him. And what keeps my next breath at bay is the shitty truth that I can't give this to him. Or to myself. I know now that I do still have a heart but it's a broken mess, what's left in good shape bursts with love for him, Charlie, Renee and Billy. But those other shards, I can't see them becoming whole again and being capable of true love.

Jacob insists on waking me to the door since Charlie isn't home yet. His arm is around me again and I've never felt so warm.

"Thanks again Jake. I'll see you in the morning." I tell him as I wrap my arms around his middle and squeeze.

Jacob's arms automatically find me and wrap me up completely and I even feel him press a soft kiss to my hair.

I pull away before this gives him the wrong impression, but one look at his face and I can see it's too late for that.

"Always pulling away. Still pulling away. From me of all people. Bella you need to decide if I'm worthy of a chance or not." Jacob tells me in the angriest voice I've ever heard from him. Seeing as it's the first time also, it's not scary or anything but it still hit me straight in the heart.

Before I can even open my mouth he's at the drivers side door opening it with too much force and the next second all I see are my truck's taillights.

I'm frozen on my doorstep for several minutes trying to process what the hell just happened? Jake has every right to feel that way and to bring it up to me but in anger? And out of nowhere? The last time I saw him our usual touchy feely moments hadn't set him off.

I couldn't tell you how I ended up in my PJs, in bed. I can barely process thoughts right now, I'm just numb. I knew this day would come, I've been too selfish for too long. But I guess I thought there would be some sort of lead up to it or Jake would handle this like he does with most things in life, in his gentle way. I deserve this though, I know I do, I've pushed to the max level of my comfort zone with him knowing I couldn't take it further. My mind races a mile a minute until I pass out from exhaustion. Sleep as usual doesn't last but tonight my nightmare has gone back to the blood curdling screaming type of the first few weeks post Cullens. Yet, not one of them is in sight in my nightmare. Tonight, I let down Jacob, watch his face fall before turning into pure anger and in the next instant he's gone. I run, trip, crawl and cry my way through the forest in search of him until the screams wake Charlie who has to shake me out of my slumber and hold me until I calm.

"Thought these were past us Bells." Charlie says in a somber tone.

"Me too." I hiccup out.

My Dad holds me until my breathing evens, squeezes me tight and kisses my forehead before heading to his room, leaving both of our doors open. I must be too tired to think or dream and I sleep until just before my alarm. During my morning shower and all throughout breakfast my stomach is in knots wondering how awful the ride to school will be. I know Jake would never let me down, not even now, and since my truck wasn't left out front for me to use, his promise of getting me to and from school today still stands.

"Where's the truck Bells?" My dad asks, breaking me out of my anxious thoughts.

"J-jacob has it. He drove me home last night since it was late and is having dinner with us tonight so he offered to drop me off and pick me up today." I tell him, immediately regretting mentioning dinner. Just because he won't leave me without transportation does not mean he wants to sit down and eat a meal together.

"That sounds like Jake." He says with a smile. "I think spending time with him is good for you, seems to help." Charlie tells me, blushing slightly, we don't do the whole deep conversation thing.

Oh if he only knew how complex that statement was, even if its true.

"Yeah Dad, you're right." I say, leaving the rest of my drama to myself.

I've just placed our cereal bowls in the sink when there's a knock at the door, Jake's early. Despite everything that happened last night I still feel myself brighten slightly and the butterflies go crazy in my stomach at the thought of seeing him.

"Come on in!" Charlie yells from the bottom of the stairs. "I'm going to shower and get ready for work Bells. Hey Jake, good to see ya, thanks for taking care of my girl." My Dad says with a pat to Jake's shoulder.

"Good to see you too Charlie. And no need to thank me, I'll take any excuse to spend time with Bella." Jacob says.

One more grin from my Dad before he disappears into the bathroom. The click of the lock has barely sounded before we turn to each other.

"Jake -"

"Bells -"

We start talking at the same time and it's the ice breaker we needed.

"Jake please just let me get this out. I'm so sorry, I've felt like shit all night. You've been the best friend anyone could ever hope for, you always have been. And you saved me these past few months. I know I should've pulled back when you started to make your feelings clear but I was just so scared to lose you completely, I'm selfish, and I'll be honest I don't mind the way you've advanced our relationship. But the problem is I know deep down I'll never be able to reciprocate your feelings for me, not in the way you deserve. You deserve someone's whole heart and I don't have a whole one left." It all just came out like verbal diarrhea.

Jacob didn't take his eyes off of mine the entire time I spoke and once he knew I was done he just wrapped me up in his arms. I didn't realize how tense I was until I felt his whole body consume mine in his embrace and I almost went limp in his arms, all the stress leaving me.

"I'm sorry too Bells. I shouldn't have lost it with you like that. I don't know what's going on, I feel like I have no patience these days. I even snapped at my Dad. I guess it's just stress of school and working on the cars." Jacob tells me and I can see how tight his eyes are, so different from his usual carefree attitude. "But please don't tell me what I need or what I want. I may be young but I'm not a kid and I'm not immature. I want to be with you Bella, more than anything. I'm not saying it has to happen or that things even need to change between us right now or even soon, but please don't say no to the idea of us without even trying." Jake says full of emotion.

We pulled back from our hug when I started speaking but our hands haven't left each other's. I look down at them clasped together, pale white and russet brown. The stark contrast is amazing but also beautiful, even our skin tones suit each other. Maybe this could work? I've been depressingly honest with Jake from day one about how fucked up I am and he's still here and still wants me. Well, I don't know if it'll work but I won't say no to us, not yet.

"You're right Jake. I have no business telling you how you feel and I'm sorry for that. I just have to make sure you know what a mess I am, make sure you know what you're pursuing. And I can't make many promises right now, I just can't, but what I can promise is that I won't say no to us without trying. Let's just move forward and take on things as they come to us." I tell him, hoping it's enough.

It is. I can see the tension leave his shoulders immediately at my words and in turn that chases away the last feelings of numbness and anxiety that our fight instilled in me.

"Okay Bells. That sounds good to me." Jake says.

It's still pretty early so I decide to show Jake my cafe. It's not hidden in a secret hole in a tree or anything but it still feels special taking him there. It's a little haven of mine, I found it, I go there alone and enjoy myself. But I want to share it with him.

An early morning of coffee and pastries, well one for me and four for him, was just what the doctor ordered. It felt as though last night never happened but my promise to try this morning has stuck with us both.

I wasn't shocked that all my friends, except Mike, were really excited to meet my res friends. And I knew I would be answering to Angela tomorrow after I saw her face as I got into my truck with Jake after school. I had evaded them all this morning but Jessica, Mike, Eric and Angela all had front row seats to my carpool home.

The days leading up to the movie were blissfully normal. Jake and I went back to how things were pre-fight and so far we were okay.

Since today, Thursday, is a half day for some sort of teachers' conference we added lunch to our shopping plan since we decided that were both needed. The three of us girls were really excited, yes even me, for this weekend.

Even though Renee sent me an obnoxious amount of clothes at Christmas for all seasons, every time of day and every layer, I still made out well with help from the girls. Shopping still wasn't and would probably never be "my thing" but I was beginning to enjoy dressing up a bit more. Taking pride in myself.

It was overcast and drizzling, per usual, so it was dark earlier than it should've been and we definitely stayed in Port Angeles longer than we intended. As we walked back to Jessica's car, hers is the newest and biggest of our girl group, I realized how quiet the streets were and how dark it actually was. This immediately had me on edge for some reason and it didn't take long for me to figure out why.

About halfway to the car park on the same side of the road as us was a group of men. There were six of them, they looked to be in their mid thirties and it was easy to tell they had been drinking. I didn't judge them as trouble right away but when the cat calls, whistles and adult "compliments" started I knew they needed to be avoided.

"Do we go back to the shops for a while?" Angela whispered urgently.

"They're all almost closed and when we come back even later and these assholes are still here then what the fuck do we do?" Jessica whispers back. "Look, let's cross over to the other side of the street now and just ignore them. If they follow, I have pepper spray on my key chain." She adds while holding her keys tightly.

We've been huddled together since we left the last shop we were in but as Angela and Jessica turn to cross the street, they're quicker than I expect and I take another step forward instead of left, closer to the group of men. Six sets of eyes stay fixated on me and for a moment I can't make my feet move. This all happens in just a few seconds but it feels like a slow mo scene out of a movie.

The reason my feet won't move is because I heard a voice after the girls crossed without me. A velvet, soothing and familiar voice. "Bella, stop." I knew who's it was right away, of course I did. It was from my best dreams and worst nightmares. But how was it possible? Edward wasn't here, I could confirm that much. So how the actual fuck was I hearing his voice as if he was walking with us to the car?

Apparently, I'm an idiot dare devil all of a sudden so I take one more small step towards the men. "Bella, please stop. Leave now." The voice warns again. I look around to see the girls staring at me wide eyed and motioning for me to come to them and then I look at the group of guys and see that they're just as shocked. It sinks in then, they're harmless, drunk friends just being asses. I think I scared them more by walking towards them than they scared us with their vulgar words. The voice in my head sees them for who they are as well and I can tell it won't come back tonight.

I make it over to Angela and Jessica in record time.

"Um what the fuck Bella?!" Jessica whisper yells at me as we power walk to the car.

"I-I'm sorry, I got nervous when I saw you two had crossed already." I lie to them.

"Sorry Bella that was just too scary." Angela apologizes.

"I'm sorry too Bella I was just so freaked out." Jessica says as she squeezes my arm.

I don't allow myself to think about what happened on the street during the ride home. I can feel myself losing it already but I can't make my friends think I'm crazier than they already do.

Thank god I get dropped off first. We all recovered as well as possible but no one was up for much chatter so it didn't look odd that I stared out the window at the trees the whole way to Forks.

I'd never been more grateful that Charlie was working. I make it up to my room in record time. I don't bother with lights or changing my clothes, I just flop onto the bed and stare at the ceiling. My thoughts are spinning around me as if I were on a merry-go-round and it takes me forever to be able to hold onto one long enough to actually process what the actual fuck happened tonight.

Well, I can confirm I'm officially crazy and also that was definitely Edward's voice. I'll never forget it, I've never wanted to. No matter how broken and destroyed he left me he was my first love and I want to remember him. And if I'm never enough for another person, I'll have to live in my memories of my one relationship.

My subconscious must've held onto Edwards request for me to not do reckless things more than my active thoughts ever had. I only ever truly thought of those words once, post zombie Bella. They drove me insane. I don't mean to trip over my own feet or air, and I've never done anything "reckless" by choice in my life. He deserts me in the forest after telling me he doesn't love me and then asks for a favor, and a stupid one at that. The insanity became anger, red hot anger very quickly. The anger felt good though, better than drowning in my sadness. Whenever his request crossed my mind the anger took over and it felt good, I know it was a normal reaction. In a non-magical relationship, me and my friends would've blasted Carrie Underwood and I would've ruined that stupid shiny Volvo for him breaking my heart. And in my half vampire relationship, sometimes letting my anger stop the burning pain of the whole left in my chest was the best equivalent I had.

Even though I didn't hold onto the words of Edward's parting request, the recesses of my mind seemed to have done the opposite. I can admit to myself that Edward was nowhere near me tonight, it was my brain, my own mind not trusting me to not be an idiot. My subconscious knew I'd stop for Edward, even after all this time. Pretty pathetic my own mind doesn't trust me. I would never intentionally hurt myself, I couldn't do that to Charlie or Jake and especially myself.

But I'll be honest, hearing his voice was like a drug. For a moment all the pain and sadness from these past few months disappeared. When that wore off though, the hole that was always there but hadn't burned or taken my breath away in a long time, felt like it was on fire.

I know I've gotten stronger, I don't feel as if the ground is swallowing me, taking me down and the hole in my chest has already calmed even though this craziness only happened hours ago. I also know I won't intentionally hurt myself or put myself in true danger to hear him again.

And one last fact came to me after hours of obsessing over hearing my vampire ex-boyfriend. I would balance on the line of danger and safety to try and hear him again, to confirm it's for that reason alone, that my mind is keeping me safe.

Yep just for the that one reason...