93. Scared To Death

Scared To Death

Kate woke to the feeling of Castle wrapped around her, his head nestled on her chest, one arm across her waist, and one leg slung over hers. Her eyes flicked to the clock on the nightstand and she smiled as she realized it was early on a Saturday and she could go back to sleep.

Not that that would be entirely possible with the way Castle's exhales were fanning out over her chest every few seconds, the warm air raising goosebumps on her skin even through her layer of clothing.

She wriggled beneath him, felt his grip tighten around her, and her smile grew. She loved snuggly Castle. So much.

It was just a couple of minutes before Castle began to stir, a soft little snore escaping his mouth as he eased into wakefulness. His eyes flickered open, settling first on her nightshirt before slowly tracing a path up to her face.

"Hey," she whispered with a smile, eyes locking with his in the early morning light.

"Mmmm, hey."

Kate ran a hand through his hair, fingernails gently scratching his scalp, and Castle melted into her.

"Time's it?" he asked sluggishly, far too comfortable to lift his head and look himself.

"Just after seven thirty," Kate murmured.

He hummed a response, eyes slipping closed again, but Kate's stayed open, falling once again on the nightstand. But this time, her focus wasn't on the clock. This time, it was on their journal, her mind flashing back to the letter from the previous night. A shiver raced through her unexpectedly as she recalled the dread, the heart-wrenching pain of his words.

"Cold?" Castle asked sleepily.

"Not really."

His eyes opened again at that, searching her face for clues. He loved that he could make her shiver just by his touch... but he also knew her well enough to know that this shiver hadn't been caused by him. This one was different.

Castle's gaze lifted to her eyes, which were fixed firmly on a point to her right, and he gently lifted his head to follow her line of sight. The instant he saw the journal, he knew. She was thinking about the letter from last night. The one he never wanted to think about ever again.

Wordlessly, he lifted himself up to lean over her, retrieved the notebook.

"Want to?" Kate asked as she watched his movements, understanding that in that moment, his train of thought was identical to hers.

"Do you mind?" he asked softly, rolling over to face her once again. "I just thought... considering last night..."

"Of course not."

She sealed her words with a kiss, settled back against the pillows, and Castle cuddled up behind her, arms wrapped snugly around her. She could feel the tension lingering in his muscles, covered his hand with hers on the edge of the book, and just that small touch was enough to help him begin to relax.

Dear Kate,

You were scared. Admit it. You were totally creeped out by that DVD. I know you kept insisting there was no reason to worry, but you're not always as subtle as you think you are. Or maybe I just know you too well.

Either way, I could tell there was a part of you that was afraid that maybe I was right and maybe we really were going to die.

(For the record, I was serious about wanting you to outlive me. Maybe it's selfish, but I don't think I could handle living without you, Kate.)

"Castle," she murmured, his words stabbing straight to the depths of her heart and all but pushing away any lingering memories of last night.

"Hmmm?"

She lifted a finger to trace his words. "I couldn't either."

"Couldn't what?"

When she didn't answer right away, he dropped his eyes to the page, followed the line of her finger.

Oh.

He tightened his hold on her, his entire body flooding with emotion at the mere thought of a life without her in it. "Then I guess we'll just have to die together."

Because honestly, if he was going to go, he wanted to do so wrapped in the arms of the woman he loved. He wanted her voice to be the last thing he heard, her face the last thing he saw. He wanted to disappear from this world and into whatever lies beyond with her. He couldn't imagine it any other way.

"A long time from now," he clarified. "Someday when we're old and grey."

Kate hummed a response. It went without saying, of course, that there were no guarantees. Anything could happen and old and grey was something they might never actually experience together. But they tried not to talk about that; it was a risk Castle had accepted when he fell in love with her. It had taken Kate a little longer to come around, but she accepted it now as well. Accepted that loving him was worth it, no matter the cost.

"And no creepy DVDs," he added, breaking her train of thought and effectively lightening the mood.

Kate chuckled. "Right."

"Besides, I have things to cross off of my bucket list still," he continued. "And I need your help for some of them."

"Do you now?" she asked with an amused arch of her eyebrow.

"Mmhmm."

"Such as?"

"Well, we're not actually married yet," he pointed out, one finger poking out to trace her engagement band. "And there aren't any mini-Castles running around the house yet either."

"That's not on your list," Kate cut in without missing a beat.

"I... you memorized my bucket list?" he spluttered.

"Not exactly," she hedged.

"You so did."

She rolled onto her back within his embrace so that she could meet his eyes. "No, I just happen to recall that 'have more kids' wasn't on there."

"Oh," he huffed a sigh, trying to decide if he was flattered that she knew the list so well or disappointed that she didn't actually have it memorized. "Well, I updated it a couple months ago."

"You did not."

"Okay, well not on the list itself." He tapped his temple. "It's in here."

"Of course it is."

"You're just jealous that I have a bucket list and you don't," Castle protested.

"How do you know I don't?"

"Well I've never seen one."

"Maybe it's in my head," Kate teased, shooting his words back at him.

"Liar."

"You have no proof of that."

"And you have no proof of a bucket list."

"Maybe it's a recent thing."

"How recent?"

She shrugged. "About five minutes ago."

"Oh?" he asked, intrigued. "And what exactly is on this five-minute-old bucket list of yours?"

"Well number one is 'make Castle stop forcing me to divulge my bucket list.'"

He dug his fingers into the skin beneath her ribs and Kate writhed beneath him, attempted to wriggle out of his grasp.

"And number two is now 'teach Castle what happens to his more sensitive areas when he tickles me.'"

He practically jumped away from her at her words, completely severing their connection and rolling across to the other side of the bed.

"Wow," Kate drawled.

"Well..."

She reached for him but he backed away even further, and Kate rolled her eyes.

"Castle, how exactly are we going to complete a certain item on your bucket list if you won't even let me touch you?"

"How would we complete it if you kneed me... down there?"

"We both know I'm not that cruel."

"I don't know, you can be a pretty horrible tease when you put your mind to it."

"You love it."

His entire face softened then, a smile lifting the corners of his lips. Because yeah. He did love it. A lot.

Kate allowed her own smile to break free and this time when she reached for him, he didn't back away.

"Come on," she murmured, rearranging the journal on the bed as she arranged herself back into the cradle of his body. "Let's finish reading first and then we can spend the day crossing something off that bucket list of yours."

"Yeah?" he asked excitedly, and Kate couldn't help but roll her eyes. But it was an affectionate gesture because she loved his childlike enthusiasm and his penchant for exuberance.

She nodded against his chest, snuggled further into his warmth. "Yeah."

"Okay," he murmured into her hair, nestled his chin on her shoulder and dropped his eyes to the page.

By the way, I'm glad we're both still alive. I'm still thoroughly freaked out and I'm a bit exhausted because I've been a little too jittery to sleep very much the last few nights. But I'm alive.

Mostly. I might have died a little bit when you pulled that ice cube stunt a few hours ago. You're amazing. Completely amazing. Of all the ways I've ever imagined I'd die, that's now at the top of my list. What a way to go. I don't think I'll ever completely recover from that. Not that I'm complaining.

On a more serious note, I meant what I said on my bucket list, Kate. Being with you is what I've wanted most for a long time. Actually being able to hold you and kiss you and love you... it's a dream come true for me. It's everything I've ever imagined and more and I don't know how I made it through life without you for so many years, but now I can't imagine it any other way. I'm so in love with you that it's overwhelming at times, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Even if you do leave me to fend for myself in a dark cabin in the woods with a guy who's about to die.

Was that your way of getting back at me for turning down your offer for sex? Because that's just mean. And completely uncalled for. All I wanted to do was save your life, or at least prolong it, and you took advantage of that by using your wily, sexy powers to convince me to come home with you for our 'last time.'

For the record, I don't ever want us to have a last time. I don't even want to think about it. Ever. Rationally, I know it will happen eventually, but until it actually does, I don't want to consider the possibility. In the meantime, the best we can do is to take advantage of every moment we have together and show our love in every way possible and as often as possible.

I think I just added a new item to my bucket list: show Kate how much I love her every single day for the rest of my life. I'll start right now by crawling back into bed with you and holding you in my arms and whispering 'I love you.'

I love you. So much.

Rick

By the time Kate finished reading, there was a giant smile on her face. Only Castle could go from scared to silly to serious to loving in one letter. And only he could make the entire journey so completely adorable.

"What?" he asked.

"You're just..." she trailed off, shook her head with a smile. "You."

"Where are you going?" he asked as she rolled away.

She offered no answer, instead climbing out of bed and taking the comforter with her.

"Kaaate," Castle whined, extending one arm to snag it back, but he was too slow. "What are you doing?"

"Crossing something off your bucket list," she answered as though it was obvious.

"That involves taking the covers off the bed?"

She looked around, pretending to consider. "Well, it's a pretty big apartment."

Castle forced himself into a seated position, scrambled to keep up with her train of thought. "Pretty big... what?"

Kate could see the moment it dawned on him because the change in his features was instant. His eyes lit up, a grin split his face, and he was out of bed and wrapping his arms around her before she could react.

"Really?" he asked excitedly, and God, he was so in love with this woman.

She smiled back, eyes twinkling, indulging his excitement. "Really."

They spent the entire day nourishing their inner five-year-olds, fell asleep that night on the living room floor, curled up together on a pile of pillows, too comfortable to find their way back to their bed.

The next morning, Castle presented Kate with his list and a pen, announcing that she could do the honors of crossing off this new accomplishment.

#25: Convert entire apartment into blanket fort

Thoughts?