92. Target & Hunt

This chapter was really difficult to write because we have no idea how the repercussions of these episodes will play out (i.e. whether we'll see Castle's father again). Cross your fingers that this doesn't end up completely off-base.

Many thanks to Andy for the suggestions.

Target & Hunt

"You headed to bed already?" Castle murmured, stepping up behind her as she slipped off her watch, placed it safely in its box on the bureau.

Kate shrugged. "Thought we could read for a little while or something," she suggested, relaxing into his embrace.

"We... you mean from our journal?"

She smiled, eyes meeting his in the mirror. "Yeah. If you want to."

Castle pressed his lips to her cheek. "Of course."

She disentangled from him then, went about her nightly routine quickly, and within ten minutes they were seated next to each other in their bed, backs against the headboard and shoulders smashed together. He leaned over to retrieve the journal, flipped through to the current page while Kate tilted her head to rest it on his shoulder.

Dear Kate,

So much has happened in the last few days that I don't even know where to begin. All I know for certain is that my life has completely changed in the span of less than a week.

She felt him jerk away from her sharply, lifted her head in confusion.

"I... I'm sorry," he stammered, already scooting away from her, thrashing desperately to untangle his legs from the covers. "I can't... I can't read this one."

What...?

Kate flicked her eyes back to the page, latching onto the date at the top.

Oh.

Right.

Well, this night wasn't going to go as planned.

She felt a pang of sadness at breaking the tradition of reading these together, but at the same time she would never ask him to read this one with her. In fact, she wasn't even sure it was a good idea for her to read it, because even though she wouldn't ask questions, wouldn't bring it up in any way, she could already see that the mere presence of the letter was lifting those awful memories to the forefront of his mind.

She never wanted him to have to relive that. Ever.

"I can...we can skip it," she offered. "That's fine."

To her surprise, Castle shook his head. "No, you can... you should read it. I just… can't."

"You're sure?" she questioned. She was curious now that she was faced with his words, because though he'd explained some things in the days immediately after the fact, it had been a very succinct summary. Short and to the point and deliberately devoid of the anything involving his feelings. She was interested in the details. But her main priority lay in not upsetting him.

Castle nodded, though she didn't miss the doubt in his eyes that he was unable to fully conceal. "I'll uh, I'll go hop in the shower," he offered with a thumb over his shoulder, already climbing out of bed. "That way... yeah."

Not really in a position to argue, Kate watched him cross the bedroom, waited until the bathroom door shut behind him before hesitantly returning her eyes to the page.

Once she read these words, she'd never be able to forget them. But now she needed to know.

I remember when I told you about the time Alexis wandered off in the department store. Those minutes of panic in which I felt like a complete and utter failure as a father. I was convinced that I'd never forget that day, those feelings, that they would haunt me forever. After this last week, that all pales so much in comparison.

The horror, the complete and utter desolation and hopelessness and helplessness I felt… it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Thank God it's just a memory rather than reality, because if they'd hurt her in any way I'd never recover. Hell, I don't know how I'm supposed to recover from what did happen. My daughter ended up half way around the world without me even knowing she was gone, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I'm sure I'll have nightmares for weeks.

And Alexis... I don't even want to know what they did to her. What it was like to be kidnapped, held hostage by power hungry men out for revenge. What it was like to experience all of that, knowing that as hard as she tried to escape, she was thwarted every time. I feel like I shouldn't even be complaining about my pain because I'm certain whatever I'm going through, it's a thousand times worse for her. I was on the outside looking in, but she was actually there experiencing it and that's not something you can just forget overnight. It's not something you can ever forget. I can only hope that somehow, in some way, she'll be able to come to terms with it and not let it destroy her life.

We're technically not allowed to talk about anything that happened but obviously I have to get it out somehow. Alexis and I talked over parts of it because I figured it would help for her to not have to hold it all inside and I wanted her to know that she could come to me at any time about anything. But I didn't tell her much of what I went through because that shouldn't be her burden to bear.

Granted, none of this should be a burden she has to bear.

Thank goodness she has a solid head on her shoulders. I can only hope that when all is said and done this whole ordeal makes her stronger. Still, I wish I'd been able to protect her from even having to experience it in the first place. I know I can't protect her from everything but there are some things that no one should ever have to endure.

And then there's my father. I'm still reeling. He shows up in the middle of a forest in France, shoots the guys that were holding me at gunpoint, practically shoots my phone out of my hand when I call you, and then tells me to get in his car. I had no clue who he was or why he even cared that I was alive until hours later when he dropped that bombshell on me. And I didn't know what to think.

I still don't. I don't think I'll truly know how I feel for a while. Or maybe I never will. How can I develop feelings about someone I've barely had a chance to know and may never see again? It's so confusing and I'm not sure I'll even be able to write this one out.

But I'll try.

I have so many questions. So many. Like how he knew I was his son, how he knew about Alexis. How he managed to get me access to the CIA and how other people knew he was my father and yet I was never told.

Hell, how did he know I was in a forest in France? I know he's a spy and he has access to technology that I don't even know about. But still...

My dad is a spy, Kate. My whole life it's been this giant unknown. I was always okay with that because my dad could have been anyone I wanted. I conjured up so many fantasies in my head when I was growing up, because there was no one single answer.

Now there is, and I never expected it to be this.

I was always okay with not knowing, because you can't miss what you never had. I'd never had a father. It was always just my mother and me and I was fine with that. It didn't bother me. But now that I've met him and he saved my life and my daughter's life, I feel like I owe him everything but who knows if I'll ever be provided with an opportunity to repay him.

I have no idea if I'll ever even see him again. I don't even know his real name.

All I have is his words and the memories and the package he sent me that's the only way I can be reasonably assured that he's even still alive. I miss him. I was only with him for a day and under awful circumstances, but I miss him. I know it has to be this way; he explained that to me. Maybe I'm just selfish for wanting to cling to the father I'd never met.

But he's played a larger role in my life than I could have ever imagined. He had so much to do with who I became. To know that he's been watching me from afar my whole life, that even though he couldn't be there physically he's been there the only way he was able. That he's read my books... it means more than I thought possible.

He told me he was proud of me, Kate.

I didn't realize how much his approval meant to me until I had it.

But at the same time, some dark, twisted part of me wants to be angry with him. It was his actions that ultimately led to them taking Alexis. I know it was part of the job, and when he killed that guy's wife there's no way he could have foreseen this happening. I know it wasn't his fault; it was the fault of the people who organized the operation. I can't hold it against him. Hell, I can't really hold any of this against him because without him who knows what would have happened.

I don't even know what to say or do or even what to think. I'm so confused. It's all the emotions I've ever felt all wrapped up into a few short days. I'm still exhausted and I'm worried about Alexis and I'm relieved to have her back home and to be back here with you. I'm scared for what's going to happen next. I know none of us will sleep without nightmares for weeks. I'm afraid that Alexis is going to end up with PTSD and I know there's not much I can do to help her. I'm nervous for her to leave the loft, to go back to school. I'm sure she is as well.

I know you'd tell me I'm being overprotective but I don't even want to let her out of my sight. Ever.

All I know for sure is that our lives have been permanently altered and it's going to take time to adjust. In the meantime, the best I can hope for is that we're all able to be here for each other and that we can make it through this as a family.

Along those lines, I want to say thank you for being there for my family and helping bring Alexis home.

And for being here with me. It means more than you'll ever know.

I love you.

Rick

Kate sat frozen, unable to tear her eyes away from the page as the emotional impact of his words overcame her. God, the pain he'd endured, the agony, the feelings of helplessness.

She'd felt those too; pain on his behalf, helplessness at being thousands of miles away and bound by rules and regulations, forced to be a cop when all she wanted to be was a supportive girlfriend. It was why she completely lost it in that interrogation, why she panicked when she heard the gunshot ring through her ear. Everything had spiraled out of control so quickly and there was nothing she could do about it.

It had been days before she'd felt in control again. Days before she'd finally escaped to the privacy of her own apartment and broken down sobbing. If Castle ever found out she knew he'd apologize for not being there but the truth was that whatever she was feeling, his was surely a hundred times worse. She didn't need to burden him with her own tangled up emotions when he was already battling the depths of his own mind.

She shook her head, forced back the tears that were threatening to fall. She couldn't cry, not here and not now. Not when he could emerge from the bathroom at any moment to see her tears. She wouldn't be the one responsible for reminding him of those awful days.

Ordinarily, now would be the time that she pounded it out on the punching back at the precinct gym or went for a run in Central Park or even talked it out with Dr. Burke. But it was late and dark outside so none of those options were viable.

So Kate did the only other thing she could think of; she slipped the journal back into place, silently slid out of bed, and went in search of paper and a pen.

Dear Castle,

I just read your letter from when Alexis was kidnapped and I don't even know what to say. It broke my heart at the time to watch what you were going through, and reading your words now just broke it all over again because before I only knew what you told me, what I could see in your eyes. Now I have the uncensored thoughts and feelings that you experienced; it makes me want to cry. And hug you really tightly.

I'd never felt so useless as I did during that case. I wanted more than anything to be able to help you. To bring her home and take away your pain and to find the words that would make it all better. But those words didn't exist and I couldn't be there for you like I wanted, because I'm a cop. I had to remember that. It wasn't easy to abide by all the rules and regulations. I had to force myself to step back and calm down and not do something that would get me suspended again. It wasn't easy, because you were in Paris and your daughter was missing and I was back in New York City feeling completely inadequate and helpless.

God, Castle, I don't know how you did it. I wish you'd never had to in the first place. There are some things a person should never have to experience.

I just hope that I was able to help in some small way. If I was able to make those days, that week, the sleepless nights that followed, even a little bit easier, then I feel like I wasn't a complete failure. I've never been good at putting my thoughts and feelings into words, let alone finding the words to express them to someone else. I did the only thing I knew how to, and that was to be there for you in any way I could. I hope it was enough.

I think I just heard the shower turn off which means it's time to wrap this up. I don't want to talk about what I just read in our journal, mainly because I know you don't want to talk about it either. And that's fine; you shouldn't have to relive it. It's why I'm writing this now, a way to purge my thoughts without asking you the many questions that I know you don't want to answer. I'm going to hide this, I don't know where, but somewhere you will hopefully never stumble across it.

Some letters aren't meant to be read.

Just know that no matter what else ever happens to you, to us, to anyone in our families, I love you so much. The strength with which you coped and moved on from that nightmare inspires me every single day.

Love,

Kate

She hastily folded the paper, tossed the pen aside, and by the time Castle emerged she was back in bed, the letter hidden securely in the bottom of the box in which she kept the other letters she'd written him.

The one place he knew was private and sacred to her, the one box he would never, ever open.

"Hey," she murmured, scooting backwards and holding the covers up for him to join her. He was clad only in boxers, hair damp and sticking up in every direction.

"Hey," he replied, easing down into the bed next to her.

Kate automatically reached out to straighten his hair, fingernails lightly massaging his scalp as she did so, and Castle sighed and melted into her touch.

"Feel better?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Good."

He hummed a response, slid down beneath the covers and re-situated against the pillows. An awkward silence hung over them, the giant elephant in the room, but neither was willing to broach the subject.

"You okay?" Castle asked after an extended moment.

Kate shrugged, nodded. "I wish I could have met your father," she voiced slowly, knowing he was waiting for her to say something about the letter. "I know you've hardly met him, but I..."

"I know," he agreed, eyes flicking to his office, to the exact shelf where the newer copy of Casino Royale sat next to the older, worn version. "I wish you could meet him too. I wish he could be a bigger part of my life."

"Yeah."

He ran a hand over his face. "But I know that's not possible. He's spent a lifetime devoted to a job he believes in. And I respect that."

Kate nodded in agreement. "Me too."

Castle lifted an arm, allowed it to come to rest over the curve of her waist. "Maybe someday. I mean, you never know what life will throw at us, right?"

"True," she agreed. Life certainly threw its fair share of curve balls their way, and there were inevitably many more to come.

Kate smiled softly, wriggled closer within his embrace as she echoed his hopeful words.

"Someday."

Thoughts?