Daydreams

On the way back my mind was clouded with thoughts of William: the way he looked, the way he spoke, how disappointed he was when I rejected his offer to help, and how much better both of us felt when I agreed to meet him again. I kept replaying the conversation in my head over and over again. Could I have said something more? Could I have said this or that in a better way?

The more I thought about William, the more my heart pounded, and the more my cheeks grew hot, and I realized then that I had already developed special feelings for him. It was the first time I ever felt this way towards a human. I knew that love between a human and a beast-kin was extremely unlikely, and I would never get to marry one even if he loved me, so human men never even entered into my consideration. Cases like my parents were rare, and they were the best I could hope for.

Even a romantic relationship with a fellow beast-kin would be fairly hopeless, unless we both happened to already be owned by the same master. What master would buy me for his slave? Would my father buy my lover for me? It had been years since I dared to be foolish enough to allow myself to love any boy at all. However, under the guise of a human, and so far from home, I must have lowered my guard.

When I arrived at "home" I took my time fixing and reinforcing the stitching on my bed, then laid it out on the floor and enjoyed an indoor nap for the first time since running away. It wasn't perfect, but it was far better than sleeping on the ground.

For the rest of that day and the following day I worked as much as possible on sewing a complete new set of clothes. While working I wondered how William would react to them. I hoped he would like how I looked in them. My imagination took me further, and I found myself daydreaming about our courtship, and eventually about marriage. I knew it was impossible. Even if I managed to hide the truth from him for such a long time, he would undoubtedly learn it on our wedding night, but I couldn't help but hope that he'd stand by my side and help me hide my identity from everyone else.

Daydreaming about William helped to distract me from my other, darker, thoughts about the recent past. The more I daydreamed about him, the more extreme those thoughts became, especially the ones about our wedding night. I started imagining him doing to me all the things I experienced at the hands of Trevor and Marcus, except that thinking about performing those kinds of acts with him filled me with warmth rather than fear and pain. The more I thought about them and the more vivid the details, the more I experienced strange but pleasant sensations the likes of which I never felt before.

I dreamed about William, as well. The dreams were a strange mixture of scenes. In some cases he appeared in my nightmares, where we were forcefully separated. In other cases the dreams were more like fairy tales about us being together. I awakened from those with an odd dampness between my legs.

On some level I knew why this was happening to me. I spent so long being so completely alone that I was desperate for company and affection. William just happened to be the first young man I interacted with in weeks, he seemed to show interest in me and was kind to me. Under my current mental condition, that was enough for me to break down and for a strong attachment to him. However, knowing why I felt the way I did did nothing to stop my feelings for him.

On the third day since meeting William I finished making all of my new clothes. I tried all of them on together. They felt comfortable, but since I lacked a proper mirror I couldn't see how well they looked on me or if they happened to be too loose in some places. Still, I've been making all of my clothes on my own for over 4 years by now, so I was confident in my skills.

I changed back into my old and worn out clothes and delved deeper into the wilderness. It was time that I found that better merchandise I've been thinking of, so I searched for a good spot for hunting fish. Farmers rarely raised fish and often didn't have time or a convenient location for fishing, but that didn't stop them from enjoying fish on the rare occasion that they happened to obtain one.

Along the way I used my sharp nose to sniff out a variety of mushrooms that were safe to eat, and even managed to collect a few truffles. Eventually I found a few good locations for fishing, and caught a variety of fish of different sizes. It was a little sad, watching them flap around on the ground while futilely gasping for breath, but they were just animals, and people needed to eat, or in my case, earn money. Then again, that's what humans used as an excuse for how they treated beast-kin, so what was the difference between what I was doing to these fish and what Trevor did to me? However, I had no choice but to push these doubts out of my mind if I wanted to survive the upcoming winter, or even if I just wanted something to eat for today. Fruit, vegetables, nuts, and grains were all delicious, but they weren't enough to satisfy my needs, and weren't enough to earn me the money I needed for that ice-box.

I wondered if William would enjoy seeing my method of hunting fish, like Liliana did. It was something special that I could show him without revealing what I really was, since even humans could learn it as a skill.

After finally hunting and gathering all that I could carry, I returned home. Along the way I decided to take my catch to William first. I did promise, and besides, he might truly help me get the best prices, and the more I got for my merchandise, the sooner I could get what I needed. Not just the ice-box, but materials for making winter clothes, boots, blankets, pots, pans, a real stove and oven, heavy clothes or rugs to help insulate my home for winter, perhaps some tar to seal the ceiling and walls against the rain. The more I thought about it, the more the list of things I had to do seemed endless.

However, the thought of spending the winter here also brought to mind the thought of who I would be spending it with, and triggered a new round of daydreams about long walks in the snow, or sipping hot tea together in front of a fireplace while sharing a blanket. Suddenly there was plenty to look forward to, so long as I could avoid being exposed.