36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36

Katherine Beckett Castle returned to Manhattan feeling that she was well on her way to reclaiming her life and had every intention of completing that goal. Physically, she had no doubt that at least desk duty in a few weeks shouldn't be a problem, but her concern for her partners if she wasn't up to her normal mental response weighed heavily on her. She had several appointments with Dr. Burke, and as much as she hated baring her fears to a stranger, she would do what it took to feel that her partners could depend on her.

Ashley was by then in California, at Stanford; and Alexis spent a lot of time on the phone, making Castle grateful for his unlimited everything phone plan. She and Ashley were working out a communication schedule of sorts built around the three hour time difference between the two coasts.

Kate and Meagan upped their workouts, added short runs after Alexis left for school in the mornings, and alternated weights and workouts at the gym around the corner in the afternoons.

Just before leaving for her third appointment with Dr. Burke, Kate told her husband, "I like Dr. Burke better than the first therapist I saw. He makes me work at finding solutions. He points me in the right direction and asks enough questions to make me find the answers."

"Then I think I like him, too."

"Will you sit in with me today?"

"Are you sure you want me to?"

"No secrets, remember? And I need to talk to him about the threat still hanging over us. It affects you, too, so maybe he should hear from both of us. Maybe you should let him help you decide if you should see someone, too. "

"Do you think I should?"

"You still have nightmares, too, and sometimes I can see you worrying, whether you say anything or not. You've been right beside me through a lot of the things that cause my nightmares."

"Alexis hasn't come to us with a nightmare in a couple of weeks."

"That may have something to do with being distracted by Ashley and school and her friends. We'll see how it goes now that things are settling back into a routine. I heard her playing her violin last night. I hadn't heard that in a while. Was that part of not disturbing me when I came home from the hospital? I hadn't realized how long it had been."

"It might have been. I think there were a lot of factors, but I'm glad she's getting back to it, too."

"She plays well. I'm proud of her every time I hear her."

"Me, too. You've been so good for her, Kate."

"Yeah, right. All my baggage has given her nightmares and insecurity. She was watching when her dad tried to shove me out of the way of a bullet that could have just as easily hit him. It left a threat over the entire family. Some good I've done."

"Talk to Dr. Burke about that, too, will you? In general, I see her feeling better about herself than ever. She used to ask often why she wasn't enough to make her mother want to be with her. Knowing that you love her the way you do, she can see that she isn't the problem….her mother is. I don't think she cares any less about her mother, but it doesn't bother her nearly as much when her Meredith breaks her promises again. I think she'd rather have you go to the museum or a bookstore or take a walk in the park with her anyway. She's well aware that Meredith doesn't consider what Alexis enjoys when she plans their activities. You always chose things for her benefit."

"No comment. If I start on Meredith, I could still be at it when we get to Dr. Burke's office; and then he'll have something else he wants me to talk about."

"Can't have that," Castle chuckled, picking up his keys. "You were hoping to be back at work in mid-September. That's only another week and a half. Do you think Dr. Burke will approve it?" he asked as they left.

"I think he'd probably approve me for desk duty. Then I have another month before the last physical exam should release me to full duty again. Maybe by then. I never thought I'd be willing to voluntarily remove myself from the field, but I can't let you or the boys get hurt because I'm not what you need me to be."

Dr. Burke seemed surprised that Kate wanted her husband there for the full session.

He agreed, saying,"I might want a few minutes with you one-to-one before you leave. Kate, I've read the files of your therapy sessions from several years ago, and I've seen little to nothing to indicate that you would have even tolerated such a thing then, let alone requested it. Can you tell me what brought about such a change?"

"Richard Castle."

"And you're certain you want him present? We cover some sensitive subjects in these sessions."

"We have no secrets."

"None?"

"None," Kate stated firmly.

Dr. Burke looked to Castle questioningly.

"None," Castle agreed. "When we finally decided to give our relationship a try, we both had trust issues; and we decided the only way around that was the truth. Anything we don't know about one another is either something that simply hasn't come up yet or something that we've agreed doesn't matter. Sometimes it isn't easy, but we've managed so far." He glanced over to find Kate watching him with a soft smile, and he returned it.

"And what is it about Mr. Castle that brought you from where you were several years ago to where you are now?"

"Even before we were together, we were good friends. He knew me better than anybody ever had. It was hard to do, but I could talk to him about things I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else, depend on him when I needed support. I still can…and know he won't judge me or love me any less…that he won't leave me because I'm too much trouble…" She paused briefly. "He loves me unconditionally…and he's always there when I need him. It gives me a new kind of strength."

"And does Mr. Castle get this same kind of support from you?"

"I do," Castle answered quietly. "And so does my family…my daughter and my mother. We're a good, strong family."

"I must say, Mr. Castle, you're not what I expected."

"You thought you'd be dealing with the cocky playboy?"

"Possibly, but my expectations changed rapidly after our first meeting."

"You of all people should know not to judge a book by its cover," Castle answered good-naturedly.

The doctor said nothing, but he nodded slightly and smiled in agreement. "Is there a specific reason that you wanted your husband here today, Kate?"

"There's an issue we haven't discussed yet, one that affects our entire family. We can't give you details, and I don't want it in your notes; but it's a factor in our lives that concerns me – concerns all of us."

"Why don't you want it in my notes?"

"Because if anyone had access to them, it could put us in danger. Can you do that for us? Leave that detail of my treatment unwritten? I know it makes us sound paranoid, but we have good reason to worry."

He put down his pen and said, "Tell me what I need to know to understand."

"You know that someone hired a professional sniper to kill me. What you don't know is that someone has made a deal with the sniper's employer to leave me alone…as long as I don't make any effort to find him. He's responsible for seven murders for hire that we know of, as well as the attempt on my life. Someone I can't name had files he was using as blackmail against this man in order to protect both his family and me. A third party, someone we don't know, now has the files and is in control of the agreement. We may know some of what's in the files but that doesn't include the name of the man in charge. We don't know who hired the hitmen, only that he's powerful and willing to kill to stay in power. I knew nothing of the files or the blackmail deal until after my shooting. If he can identify the location of the files and get his hands on them, my life is probably over.

"My first problem with that is that I'm still living with a threat hanging over my head, even if there's a truce at the moment; and therefore my entire family is, too. It's frightening to know they could be used to coerce me. They don't deserve that any more than I do. The second problem is that I feel I'm failing in my duty to the public...to my job. I know someone else could die while I'm being protected; but to protect myself and my family, I have to protect this monster from being discovered."

"But to have any chance of stopping him in the future, you have to remain alive? Am I correct in thinking that figures into this equation?"

Kate nodded. "I don't know how to work with all of that." She looked thoughtful for a moment. "You know, strangely enough, we're going about our lives pretty normally in general. We go out and enjoy what we do. Nobody is wallowing in despair. But the awareness is always there in the back of our minds…and the anger.

"That's quite a dilemma. Do you feel safe at the moment?"

"I feel safe enough for now, but I also feel compromised.

"We haven't talked about some of those things," Castle said, looking disappointed.

"When I couldn't sleep early this morning, I did a lot of thinking and worked out how to put it into words," she answered. "It's part of the reason you're here today. I didn't want to have to say it too often. It scares me to talk about it."

He reached over and took her hand where she had placed it on the chair arm. "Understood," he assured her.

"How do you see the situation?" Dr. Burke asked Castle.

"The same way Kate sees most of it. I also see that this man paid someone to shoot my wife. I've seen the agony she went through to fight her way back to where she is now." His voice reflected more anger as he spoke. "I want to see him rot in jail for the rest of his worthless life, but there's nothing I can do. Whoever this man is, he seems to have access to people, files, records…to information he shouldn't have. He seems to know what's going on by the time we do…seems to have inside knowledge about who to approach to get his dirty work done. I'm afraid for my family, and I'm mad as hell that there's nothing I can do about it without putting Kate in the crosshairs again."

Dr. Burke nodded. "And you're concerned that my records could be compromised as well?"

"Yes," Castle confirmed.

"I'll need time to consider what you've told me. But I understand your concern about my files. There will be nothing in writing on that subject."

"Thank you." Kate breathed out in relief.

"Let's move on to the issues we discussed at the last session…the ones that concern your job. We'll return to the rest during the next one."

When they left, Castle took his wife's hand as they walked out to hail a cab. "Your answers were well thought out. No wonder you couldn't sleep this morning. I know how you feel about doing your job well."

"The whole picture is bad enough, but that was the icing on the cake. I think it hit me when I realized how close I am to having to go back to work and face the lie I'll have to be living…as well as the desk duty and the new captain…and having to square my lack of effort on my case and my mom's with the boys."

He moved his hand from hers and wrapped a comforting arm around her waist, promising her, "We'll figure it out."

She slid her arm around his waist, too, as they walked to the corner where a cab driver was letting someone out; and Castle raised his other arm to hail the driver.

In the next week and a half, there were three more sessions with Dr. Burke, and Kate was still working with Meagan every day. They alternated the limited runs and light work with the heavy bag at the gym, gradually getting Kate's body back to full work capacity.

xxxxx

The night before Kate was scheduled to return to work, the loft was filled with family members taking care of their own interests. Dinner and its clean-up had been finished. Martha was sitting with information about buildings available for an acting school, pouring over the pros and cons and costs involved. Rick was writing, Alexis was on the phone with Ashley…again, and Kate was alternately at loose ends and trying to prepare for her first day back at work. Lanie had called earlier just to talk, knowing Kate well enough to know that her state of mind might benefit from a friendly distraction.

Rick occasionally caught sight of Kate out of the corner of his eye. He knew she had already made lists of answers to questions her new captain might ask, had thought through how she could best lead her team effectively while being confined to the precinct. She had also thought through a variety of ways to explain her husband's contribution to her team; and she was now in their room, apparently trying to decide what to wear the next day. He finished the paragraph he was working on, jotted down a few notes on where the chapter was going, saved his work, and went to her. She was standing in front of the mirror with two blouses, holding first one and then the other in front of her.

"This one," he told her, pulling the one in her right hand in front of her. "It says 'I'm here for a damned good reason, even if I'm stuck in the building', but the color still makes you approachable. And it looks really sharp on you. This and your black dress pants."

"You worry me sometimes," she teased. "You're a little too good at this."

"Yeah, I know. I've lived most of my life in a houseful of women…and was privy to discussions of endless fine points of the merits of this or that in costuming when I was a kid. But, in observing for books and characters, I've found that the costuming points I heard then are often pretty accurate; so sometimes I dress my characters that way. I admit that all my past experience adds up to an odd overall package. Good thing you've already decided you can't live without me." He leaned around her when she smiled over her shoulder and kissed the tip of her nose.

"This one and black slacks it is," she answered, walking back to the closet to put them away. "I'm costumed for tomorrow."

"If you're ever stuck without my expert advice, ask Mother. She would be honored."

"I'll keep that in mind," she answered, returning to the bedroom and setting the alarm on her phone. "How's the writing going? I didn't mean to take you away from it."

"It's good. I'm actually happy with all of tonight's work…even know exactly where it's going. I left a few notes. I needed a break anyway."

"Want some coffee? I made some after dinner."

"Sure. Sounds good."

He followed Kate into the kitchen and saw Alexis wave and smile as she picked up a bottle of water to take to her room, never slowing her phone conversation with Ashley on her way up the stairs.

Rick smiled and waved back as she moved away. After he and Kate filled their coffee mugs, and went to sit in his study, he said, "I thought I might see more of her now that Ashley is across the country, but she's always either on the phone or skyping."

"She can't call him before school. That would be about four-thirty in the morning for him. I think this is the niche of time they've worked out together to accommodate the time difference. It just happens to be normal Dad time, too."

"Guess I know where Dad stands," he grumbled as they sat down close together on the couch. "At least I don't have to worry about what they might be doing together anymore."

"About that. When Ashley was visiting this summer… You did understand that I wasn't questioning your setting boundaries, right? You and Dad were having so much fun with the idea of intimidating Ashley, but he's such a good kid and seems to have a lot of respect for Alexis. Alexis was upset, and Ashley looked mildly traumatized. I was just questioning how you'd handled it."

"Yeah, I completely understood that, and you were right about talking to him. I left that conversation feeling a lot better…and I think he felt good about it, too. The question about what I'd tell a son stung a little bit initially, though."

"When we have kids, we're going to be in this together, Rick. I just wanted to make the point that our boys should be expected to be responsible, too. And that was a good answer, by the way. I…"

He gave her a quick, coffee flavored kiss and said, "I understood that, too. It took away some of the sting when you said you couldn't see me ever taking advantage…and even more when I realized you mentioned a son as if it were already an understanding between us. So, with everything else going on right now, what brought all that up in your head tonight?"

"I was thinking about us…and the rest of the family…and how it might be nice to have more family one day...little Castle babies. I've seen marriages suffer when people have to decide how to bring up their children, and I want us to agree on things. I want to make it work."

"Have we failed to make anything work yet when we put our minds to it?" he asked. "We might have moments of mutual bull-headedness, but I have complete faith that we can come out on the other side of that with a solution we can both live with," he stated confidently.

She looked over at her husband. "I'm excited about getting back to work, but I'm going to miss having this time together any time we want it. We'll be back to long hours, take-out dinners, inconveniently timed schedules…and the workplace rules of not always kissing or cuddling when the spirit moves us."

"Are you having second thoughts about going back? It's entirely up to you, you know. You never have to work again if you don't want to."

"No second thoughts. Not now, anyway. The job is demanding, though. I've seen marriages fail under the pressure. Little Castle babies would add to that."

"I think, after working together for a couple of years, we know what to expect and how to make it work. Are you worried about how to fit little Castle babies into all that?" She smiled self-conscientiously and nodded, and he gave her one of his little smirky smiles. "Just now you said 'babies' and 'our sons'. Does that mean I get more than one?"

She bumped him with her shoulder and said, "I can't believe you have one going to college next year and sound this excited about starting all over again, let alone more than once. And I think your little swimmers are in charge of whether you get sons. But I think you're probably the reason I'm sounding crazy enough to use plurals. I think about you, and I want us to have everything we can. I do want us to be parents…again, kind of? I'm doing pretty well with a teenager, but let's see if I can be a fit parent to one baby first, okay?" She paused, looking discouraged. "And I'd like to wait until we're not bringing a tiny, helpless new family member into the situation we're all in right now." She put her coffee down on the table, tucked her legs up on the couch, and snuggled into him.

"Hey," he answered, putting his coffee down, too, and pulling her close. "One day we're going to find 'the dragon', for want of another name, and make him pay for everybody he's hurt."

She sighed. "But meanwhile he gets too much control of our lives. He has no right to any influence over when we have our babies."

"That was another plural," he whispered, sounding way too pleased before getting serious again. "I guess that means we need a plan for how to take him down. Not right away, but maybe we need a place to gather everything we have. That way if all your notes and documents disappear…or mine…we still have copies of our work. I don't think we should start now, but shall I get another computer sometime soon to store them on?"

"Yeah. For whenever we decide the time is right. But I can't go back there right now. I'm not ready."

"And I don't want you to. Not for a while yet."

xxxxx

Appropriately costumed for her first day back at work, Detective Beckett, not Kate, walked into the kitchen looking the part. Martha and Alexis applauded, and Castle, close behind her, joined in.

"Darling, you look just like your old self. Everybody will know that take charge Detective Beckett is back."

"Do you think so, Martha?" she asked in her detective persona, then turned into Kate again. "'Cause inside, I'm a wreck."

Martha took her into a hug and laughed. "You walk in there like you walked in here, and you and my son will be the only ones who know that."

"She's right." Alexis agreed. "Your outfit is perfect, your entrance was perfect, and you're still the best detective in the city."

"A little biased there, Kid?" Beckett asked.

" I don't think so," Alexis answered. "You just have to prove that from the precinct instead of the field for the next month. So, here. Eat your eggs so you have the energy to go and impress the new captain.

"I don't know if…"

"Eat," Alexis demanded. "You'll be keeping long hours and skipping meals again soon enough."

"Yes, ma'am," Kate answered, and then she sat down. "Thank you."

"You, too, Dad."

"You won't get any argument from me," he responded, taking his plate and sitting next to his wife.

"Never expected one," his daughter shot back with a grin.

Breakfast eaten and pep talk repeated, Beckett hugged the other women in her family, thanked them, and left with her husband.

Arriving outside the precinct, Beckett repeated their plan. "So I go in alone, then you show up with coffee in an hour or two, whenever you finish your meeting with the mayor, right?"

"Captain Gates isn't going to be happy when I come back in under the mayor's orders anyway. We might as well get all the initial nastiness out of the way today and then get on to the simple, day to day witchiness. And maybe the coffee will have you caffeinated enough to let it pass and not get fired on your first day back."

Beckett got out of the cab, looked up toward the fourth floor of the precinct, took a deep breath and strode into the building looking way more together than she felt.

The desk sergeant's voice boomed across the lobby. "Well look who's finally decided to come back to work!"

Others looked up to see what was going on and shouted their welcomes and their own teasing.

"Thanks, guys. It's good to be back," she said as she got into the elevator and waved as the doors closed. When she reached the homicide floor, people were gathering near the door to applaud her to her desk. She smiled and thanked them and asked, "How did you know?"

"Sarge called up to let us know you were on your way," Karpowski answered. "Welcome back, Beckett."

"Yeah," LT agreed. "You look good. Glad you're okay."

Others left their good wishes, too, along with comments like, "Better get back to work. Gates runs a tight ship."

Ryan and Esposito were waiting their turn with big smiles. They each gave her quick hugs while the captain surreptitiously watched from her office.

With her back to the captain's window, Beckett said, "I guess I'd better go face her."

"I wouldn't expect hugs and sunshine if I were you," Esposito warned.

"So I've been told," she answered with a sigh. "Maybe she'll be civil…at least until Castle gets here."

"He's coming in today? When? Where is he?" Ryan asked, looking concerned.

"Meeting with the mayor."

"I'm praying for a body drop before then, Bro'," Esposito told Ryan. "'Cause I don't want to be anywhere near that moment."

By then Beckett was moving toward her desk and stopped to run her hand fondly across its surface before storing her purse in the bottom drawer. She then took a deep breath, straightened to her full height, and strode confidently to the captain's door, to announce herself.