3. Forever yours, Alexander...

(beginning of a dream)

With tearful eyes, I looked at my mother, praying that this would stop. Why doesn't he leave her alone? Mom didn't do anything. Why is he punishing her? I hid under a piece of furniture, one of the few that is still present in our house, and watched the man that I call my father rage. I want to shake off his hands and punish him just as he punished Mom for years. But I know that's not possible. I'll just end up with broken bones or bruises. I learned that too late. It took me a while to learn that a ten-year-old child can't change anything. Narrowing my eyes I continue to watch the picture in front of me. Sadly, the picture is a recurring event in my life.

- Tell me who it was, you whore! I support this family while you're whoring around! I get you these drugs and drinks and you repay me by being who knows where throughout the night! Who were you with this time? Huh? Answer me! – He roughly grabbed my mother's hair and pulled her head toward him. He released her and with a thud, she fell on the floor choking on her own tears. I hid a little further into the broken closet, panting and shaking with fear. I bit my lip preventing the sound of my weeping. If he sees me he'll start yelling at me.

- Elizabeth answer me! You know I'll find out the answer. - His voice calmed down and he gently stroked my mother's hair, persuading her to tell him something. But this is not good.  I saw it enough times so I knew it would not end well. I grabbed my knees close to my body and rested my head on them. Tears were pouring down my face constantly, and I prayed that this would end already. Why doesn't he just lay down to sleep?

- Oliver... I. .. Oli, please... Oli... - My mother is sobbing, trying to put a sentence together but failing. Maybe it's because of fear, or drinks, or those syringes that she uses every day. Sometimes I wonder if mom is sick. I know that injections are for when someone is sick, but I think that's not why Mom uses them. I never dared to ask. I know that it would end with yelling and punching. It's better when I'm not on her way.

- All right, Beth. Calm down. I just ask for the name of a man that you were with. With whom have you been fucking while I worked for bread for you and your bastard who ruined our lives? –Father clenched his fists, now angrily but he is still talking normally. This is not good.

- No Oli... I didn't, no... I ... - Mom moaned loudly again, and I wanted to go out and hug her.

- Shut up! -He caught her by her hair and lifted her to her feet and then slapped Mom and she fell on a glass table and broke it with her weight. I stopped a scream by putting a hand over my mouth. I don't want to see this, I don't want him to hurt my mum. My heart is beating so fast and I have a feeling that this won't end well. Can they hear me? What if Dad hears that I am here? I put my other hand on my heart and push it, hoping to silence the knocking of my heart. Come on! My mom tried to get up from the pile of glass but lost her balance and fell with a loud scream. Blood poured from her face, and I am now afraid that she will die. I know that this happens often but I'm still scared.

- Oliver... I... - She wanted to say something but then my dad pulled out a gun and held it on my mother's head. My eyes are wide open now. I know what it is, I'm not that young. He's never done something like this. Usually, he just beats up my mom and then leaves the house. What will he do this time?

- Stop it you're lying! YOU LIE EVERY TIME! You're a lying whore! You know what? I've had enough! I had enough of you and that bastard! Who knows whose child is it! You were so drugged that I don't know how you decided that it was my child! You fooled me enough! - I put my knees closer to me now fighting for breath. What the hell is going on? Will he kill my mom? No, no, no... I heard a loud shot rang out from the room and a scream, watching the blood flow from the lifeless body of my mother, taking away from me the little security and love that I had...

(dream ends)

I screamed, waking up from a nightmare, still fighting to breathe. I looked around remembering that I'm safe and at my house. I feel the sweat that pours down my forehead and my eyes move across the room just to confirm that I'm no longer dreaming. I exhaled with relief, realizing that it's over. With trembling hands, I took a glass of water from the nightstand and took a deep gulp calming myself.

My legs are wobbly as I get out, not even needing to check the time, knowing that it's still dark out. It's often that this happens. If I don't dream, then my dreams are relentless and I wake up well before dawn. It's a habit that my body has acquired. I looked out the window smiling as the sun just started to appear over the horizon. Behind the buildings and buildings, somewhere far away in the sky, I see the red and yellow sun as it breaks through the clouds that are somehow spoiling this beautiful picture. Memories of a dream are still slowly sneaking into my mind, but as always, I ignored them trying to rehearse a fake smile.

Oh, who cares! I don't always have to smile. I went into the bathroom, took off all my clothes and then entered the shower. After the shower I got ready for my run, it helps me a bit to stay fit and to calm my mind. It's my favorite time to be alone and to just think. At five o'clock in the morning, there aren't that many people. I took my phone and went on my run. The song "Sweet Dreams" by Eurythmics calmed me taking away my thoughts of a bad dream. I accelerate the pace, coming to the beach. There is no one. Just enough time for me to finish with my morning routine.

I looked into the calm, blue water shimmers as I pass it. The water is calm now. No tides, it's just ... Steady. I like that I know that nothing is ever quiet. Neither this water will standstill, in a few hours the waves will anxiously peep on the ocean. For a moment, my dream came back. Why can't I shake off this dream? It happened so long ago that it doesn't matter. I already went through that. Why do I still dream about the same things? It's really weird. 

Years have passed since that incident and years since I last dreamed about it,  but today I remember it. I frowned trying to solve this troubling question. 

For some time I was running by the ocean and finally went home. The rest of my morning was spent in preparation for work, with that awful dream hanging over my head.

Today, I'm somehow distracted. I hope that this day goes well. Zachary will probably try to ruin my day. I want to have a day without his nagging. Nothing is well enough for him. He makes me repeat contracts ten times just because he found some stupid mistakes or things that he "doesn't like". I frowned buttoning my jacket. Please God let this day pass normally.

  I packed everything I needed in my bag and decided to look at my phone. I have a lot of missed calls. But it's an unknown number. Maybe it's the journalists... I opened the messages that I have received and they are mostly all from Travis, Gabriel, Or Zachary, but one message particularly stacks in my mind. It's like for a moment my body forgot how to breath. My lungs felt cold, and my body lost any feeling in it. This can't be happening. No! No! No! Why now?! No! I angrily threw my phone crushing it against the floor. You must be joking. Why him, after all this time? He wasn't home for months. So why is he back? I shuddered remembering the message...

- See you soon Lil sis... Forever yours, Alexander! - That's not good. Alexander doesn't visit. He doesn't care about me. Surely he is planning something. Maybe he needs the money, or he already destroyed our parent's company and needs help. Whatever it is, I know it's not good. After I calmed down I went to work and as soon as I arrived, reporters surrounded me.

- Is there a problem with the testament of your parents? -

- Someone said that your company is a partner with the famous Moore family, is that true? -

- Are you in a relationship with the soccer player and your ex-boyfriend Travis Wentworth? - I frowned at the question refusing to give the answer and I slipped through the crowd and into the building. Of course, bodyguards prevented journalists from going far from the entrance of the building, and they have no idea how much I appreciate it.

I walked into the elevator. Finally silence. I looked in the mirror and ran my fingers through my long blonde hair. I smoothed it a little. That's it! Now it's great. Just at that moment, the elevator opened and I went out on the top floor. Some people are quickly striding through the corridor carrying coffee and some paperwork. Others have talked about personal matters, some were laughing out loud and some are just coming in, just like me. I smiled a little, knowing that here I could get away from it all. I love my job and I love that work distracts me so much that I can forget about everything else. I got into my office and now I'm looking through some contracts.

  Just a few hours before the end of my working time Zachary entered my office. I really think that his personal goal is to fire me. I tried to smile at him when he entered, getting up on my feet.

- Good day to you too. I'm fine, thank you. – He said with a sarcastic voice and I just looked down watching the contracts in front of me. I have to re-write a couple of contracts, and with a number of errors that I have found so far, I know that it won't be easy.

- What do you want? Except to make my life miserable... - The last sentence I muttered to myself but I think he heard it...

- Miss Diamond... What is wrong with you? Was it a bad date? Did your lover upset you? - He asked in a teasing manner but I just rolled my eyes at it. Agh, I hate him.

- I didn't. Actually, I had a nightmare last night, to be honest. - I replied without emotions in my voice and continued to read the contract.

- Ouch... What did you dream of? Who knew even you have nightmares? I can't imagine what would you be afraid of. - He said in a condescending voice, his eyes mocking me. I couldn't help but lift my head to look him directly in the eyes. That look in them made me pause for a moment, but I quickly recovered and he just smiled.

- Well, now you know it's possible. Even people with perfect lives, like mine, have nightmares. A dream... I do not want to offend you. I dreamed of you, and only your face was enough to make me wake up screaming. - As soon as I said the last sentence, I noticed how that sounded and slightly blushed but I didn't want to back down, not wanting to give him the satisfaction.

- I don't doubt it. I have that effect on women. - He smiled pretentiously and I frowned. 

- Don't think so highly of yourself, Zachary. You may be my boss but I won't put up with your daily humiliations. - My hands formed fists and I just wanted to storm off, far away from him.

- Would you calm down, please. No need for dramatics. Continue your work, I want you in my office when you're done with contracts. – He didn't let me finish and he just left the office. Freak.

However, this brief banter didn't let me forget so my thoughts returned to Alexander and I immediately felt pain. Why now? He wasn't home since the funeral of our adoptive parents. It's not possible that he managed to destroy all the work left to him in just three months.

Actually, I also had the right to the company but I didn't want it. I took the money that belonged to me and the house where I live, that's all. Alexander took all of their business and family affairs. My parents were quite wealthy. That is why they have never been home... I shook my head and continued to work. Work that I don't have to do but it is another Zachary's command. I would like to use him as a punching doll. If I could only get one good kick at him... I mentally pictured hitting him and I laughed at it.

  It took me a while to finish the tedious work and as soon as I was done I went to Zachary.  Zachary looked up when I walked in and smiled when he saw me. That is something... His smile looks normal. Usually, it's a smile that irritates or teases me. But this is a sincere smile. Smile that people use when they are sincerely glad that they see someone. As I said... Something is wrong here.

- Come, Desiree... I'm glad to see you. Actually, I have something I'd like to talk to you. - He said normally with a cheerful voice so of course, I couldn't help but at him like he's out of his mind. Why is he nice? He showed me a chair waiting for me to sit down. I threw one last look at him and sat down.

- Now... Most likely you don't have a clue why I called you, so I'll quickly explain it to you. - He got up and pulled out a folder.

- My dear Desiree, open it. - He handed me a folder and I opened it, completely confused. First I saw a bunch of papers but I decided to see everything that is in there. I looked at the picture and paled. Suddenly I feel sick and I feel like I am going to faint. Wide-eyed, startled, I looked into Zachary's eyes, barely aware of anything around me from shock... How? What? I don't understand... Zachary angrily came to the window and looked pensively, who knows where hiding his eyes from me.

- That's not all. You should watch a video. It is quite vivid. - He said it with humour in his voice but I don't find anything funny. I'm still sitting, concentrating on my breathing. Inhale, exhale... Inhale, exhale...

- Do you want water? Or maybe some alcohol is better now? - For a moment I wanted to accept the offer, but I quickly pushed that thought.

- Water... - I was able to find the words, now slowly coming back to reality. How is all of this possible, I do not get it. After I recovered I looked at Zachary.

- I can imagine what is in the video... - I said slowly, ashamed of the scene that I guess he watched. I heard him laugh, and ironically I looked up.

- Yeah... As I said, the scenes are... Vivid. But that's not my concern. If I had accidentally found this on the internet or anywhere else I wouldn't even throw a glance at it. But that's not the point. The point is that your... Let's call it the promiscuous behavior is shown in the video. One journalist sent me this, threatening to publish it tomorrow in his magazine and on television. Otherwise, I wouldn't care but... Do you know what will happen to the company if this becomes public? People will find this disgusting, perverted, or who knows what else... You know very well how the journalists are, they will make all the footage look as it suits them. And what will I achieve? No one would want to do business with a company that has You as deputy director. Even if I fire you, it wouldn't change anything. Oh, Desiree... Oh! You couldn't keep your fucking legs CLOSED! Is it too much to ask for? With such a scandal... This will destroy us if it comes close to the public, and we both know it. Now I need you to help me. I don't care if you sleep with a journalist who sent this to me or kill him, whatever it is! I just want this damn file, along with pictures, to go away! - I started to shake from his voice and the memories are slowly coming to me. Oh no... Just when I compiled myself, and this... If anyone sees this I will die. I didn't know we were taped. God, how can I do this? I looked at Zachary, who is nervously walking through his office...

- That's not... I know how the pictures look, but it's not as it seems... I ... – I didn't manage to finish my sentence, trying to keep the tears away.

- I don't care what's on the file. I've only seen one second and as soon as I realized what it is I turned it off. As I said, it's not me you should worry about. The problem is that we can't let this get out in public. - He's right. He is a moron sometimes, but he is right about this.

- I don't know what to do. This can't get out in public, it mustn't... And it's not my fault, I didn't even know we were filmed... Did he ask for something? The journalist, when he sent the video, did he ask for money or something? - I asked, hoping that the money would be enough to solve all of this.

- He didn't...At least not that I know of. Maybe he'll request something later. Desiree! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! I shouldn't think about this right now, that's your problem! You should have checked if you were filmed ...That would have saved me a lot of painkillers. - He said angrily, clenching his fists. I'm sick of this expression of his, these mood swings. Does he think that I don't know that? For three years I felt like the worst person in the world, and I didn't have a choice with that.

- You didn't even watch the video! You have no right to tell me anything! It's not my fault, the one who is sick is whoever was filming this and the reporter whose story it is! – I yell at him, no longer able to put up with this. I have to get out of here. I'm starting to drown, this room seems to be smaller and smaller by the second. As the walls become smaller... Far away in my mind, I hear Zachary speak but I don't understand him. I just need to get out of here! I got up from the chair and almost fell in the process but I quickly regained balance. I felt a hand on my shoulder, holding me.

- Are you okay? You better sit down. I'll get water. - Zachary spoke with a slightly worried voice. I shook my head.

- I'm... Just... I can't put up with this right now. I'll call you later or something but now I really need to get out of here. - I said in one breath still choking while running to get out of the office. I didn't stop there. I have to get out of here!

  I walked somewhere hoping that everything would stop. I knew my day would be like this. Ever since I got a message from Alexander, I knew that everything would be wrong. I went outside and reporters surrounded me. I did not hear their voices as I ran toward the street. I hailed a taxi that was passing and entered it. I told him to just drive until I decide where I'm going. My phone is broken at home so I can't call anyone. I looked around while the pain is becoming harder to bear. This day couldn't have been worse. I had just settled into life here, I found peace and decided to start from the beginning. But no! Fate couldn't have let it all end so easily.

I can't... Now the whole world will see me as some monster, some abomination. They will never leave me alone. I'll never have a quiet life. I closed my eyes and let the images repeat in my head, I know I can't escape from them. My head is throbbing like it will fall off at any moment. I leaned my head against the window and began to visibly shake. I am not strong enough... I'll never be. I can't walk through it again, I can't solve my problems. I opened my eyes, fighting back tears. I told the taxi driver the address I wanted to go to and looked around until the car stopped. I paid and left. Images are still echoing in my mind but so far I've gotten used to it. I know that I won't be able to stop it. Not like this. I looked at the big house in front of me and went to the door. With a deep breath and a bit of curage I rang the bell. 

- Desiree... What are you doing here? - He asked, with a surprised voice, and I bit my lip. Why can't I forget after all this time? I just want to shake off my past but I couldn't manage that for years now. Every time the shadows come back creeping and reminding me of everything bad that happened to me. Reminders are always with me, in the form of dreams, or in the form of people.

- I just want to get away from it all. Can you help me? Keep me company in a nightclub or somewhere.- I said in a firm voice not showing how sad and lonely I feel.

- Did you just ask me on a date? - He said, with arrogance, and he's smiling. I rolled my eyes at him. I'm not in the mood, I came to see him because I thought he wouldn't bother me with questions and nonsense. I guess I was wrong.

- Forget it! See you soon Travis... - I said in the same tone and turned to leave but Travis stopped me.

- Wow, wow... Wait a minute. I didn't mean it, of course, I'll keep you company. Wait till I get my keys and wallet and we can go. It's just late enough for a club - He winked at me and went into the house, leaving me alone in silence. I was looking around and saw that all the houses are similar. Lights can be seen at the windows but other than that there's dead silence. A chilly breeze gently touched me and I wrapped my arms around myself feeling safer. I don't like night. All the terrible things always happen at night. My mother was killed at night, my family fell apart at night, the new family beat me for the first time at night, they kicked me out at night ... There are many more but I'd rather not remember.

- Here we go... - I turned to Travis who had just left the house and smiled. We had fun while we were dating. It lasted for a month, but he was always good to me. He didn't insist on any kissing or anything further. We would just talk, or go out to a restaurant... He was always polite.

- Yeah... Where are you taking me? - I asked excitedly, but it's just a mask. At this point, I would like the most to just don't exist.

- To this new restaurant. A club or a bar is no place for a lady. - He winked at me and we went to his car.

- No! I want to go somewhere fun. Take me to a club. - I looked at him and saw him looking at me with sympathy. He sighed and shook his head.

- Well ... If that's what you want. -

- That's what I want... - He nodded and opened the door for me to get into the car. After that, we just drove in silence until we reached a new club. I usually do not go to clubs. It was never my stage. I've been to a few dates but not often. Usually, I go out to restaurants, parks, museums, exhibitions, parties on yachts, at the home of friends... But not in the clubs. As soon as we entered the room I felt the smell of sweat mixed with perfume. Loud music with bass is coming from the two huge speakers at the stage. On a small stage, some unknown band is playing something fast and they are moving in that rhythm. I ran my eyes over the people and saw some of them in very compromising positions. Not that I care. Travis took my arm and pulled me to the bar. We snuck through the crowd of horny young men and women and came to the bar. I sat on a high stool and the bartender noticed me immediately. He sent me a guilty smile with which I guess he broke many hearts. I was not even touched. He's not my kind of guy.

- What can I give you? It's on the house. - He winked at me and I smiled at that.

- Let's start with shots. Something... Something strong. And don't cheap out on it.– He looked at me with raised eyebrows but again just smiled.

- The game has begun. But I need to warn you on time, you can't handle it. - I shrugged.

- Bring it and we'll see. - He turned and started to look for something on a huge shelf full of alcohol.

- Desiree ... I had the impression that we are on a date. - I remembered that Travis is here too as he spoke.

- I'm sorry if you did. I just wanted some company. - I looked at him with guilt.

- If you say so...- He smiled at me but I can see that he's not really okay with it. Not that I care. 

-That's what I say so. Now I just need a friend who is there for me. - He nodded, then turned and watched people dance. I'd invite Gabriel to come with me but it will not happen. He would not let me get alcohol, or to even come to a place like this. Travis cares less about me and that is why he's better. Just at that moment, the bartender returned with a shot glass full of something yellowish.

- Here you go, young lady. Just be careful. I could get you wine, or champagne, something that suits you more.- I looked at him with a malicious smile. He doesn't know anything. I raised my glass and cheered to him and then winked and poured all the liquid right in my throat. Oh... I shook when the liquid got into my throat and closed my eyes waiting for that feeling to pass. I needed this. Strong liquid stung me but calmed my thirst. I found a wide smile on my face when I swallowed everything. I can finally get away from all of it. For months, this was my way out of trouble but then stopped because of Gabriel. I opened my eyes and looked at the astonished waiter.

- Wow! You are no easy opponent, love. The next one is on the house. - He raised his eyebrows, mischievously looking at me.

- You have no idea. Thank you... -

- Who is the guy, love. I would say, not a boyfriend. You look too good for him. - Travis tried to catch a bit of our conversation and when he realized he couldn't he just turned around. On the other hand, I just laughed out loud at the bartender. 

- I'm his ex-girlfriend. - The guy just smiled wider and got away to make a new drink. After that, we flirted more and drank. Unfortunately, the waiter, whose name I found out is John, was asked to assist somewhere else and I stayed with Travis. He never left my side since we got but he didn't look like he's having fun. Mostly he stayed silent.

- Trav... What is it? Why are you silent, hmm... Trav ... -I asked Travis with a sweet voice, with a pout on my lips while leaning on him.

- Maybe we should go home, you're a little drunk. - He seems slightly concerned, I can see it on his face.

- NOOO... The night is young. Come on. - I jumped up from my chair and almost fell but Travis caught me. I put a hand on his arm feeling his muscles.

- Ah...Such big muscles. My knight in shining armor. - I was laughing at my words as I put my arms around Travis's neck.

- We're going to dance. - I've now pulled him to the area where people are still clinging to each other. I think it's around four in the morning now. I don't even know how long we've been here but I know it's been a long time.

- Desiree. You're drunk, let's go home. - He shouted in my ear trying to be louder than music.

- I don't want to... How do you know I'm drunk? I'm ggggrrrrrrreeeeeaaaaatttttt .... – I stretched the word and again began to laugh. Why is everything so damn funny? I started to move around Travis at the pace of the music and now he's not complaining. I took his hands and placed them on my hips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and began to dance.

For a while, I was just driven to the beat and then I leaned my head on his neck and began to nibble it. I gently kissed his skin and then slowly nibbled adding torture. I felt his grip tighten and a deep growl escape from his throat. Does he like this? Uncertain whether I'm good or not, I continued to play with his neck. I came closer and closer to his body and got an answer on whether he liked what I was doing. Something very very hard stabbed me in the stomach but I didn't even think about it. I put my hand over his ...* cough* ... And then slowly began to rub it through his pants. He began to breathe loudly and tightened his arms around me even more.

- Desiree ... Don't ... - He was fighting for breath now.

- Why? Do you not like it ... - I looked into his eyes and for a moment I realized what I was doing. The passion and desire that I saw in his eyes reminded me of something and that shook me. But instead of stopping, my drunken part won and I just approached his lips. The next second, rough lips pressed to my own, while my hand is moving all over his body. His hands went up to my back and then he squeezed my buttocks. I moaned into his mouth and my tongue went into action. Now we are moving our lips even faster as our tongues fight for dominance. Neither I nor he gave in and the kiss is so passionate that when we moved away for air, I actually felt pain in my jaw. Wow...

- Let's continue somewhere private ... – I told him and he just nodded. We snuck through the crowd and then came to another part of the club that is deserted. In one corridor are a bunch of doors and we just went into the first one we came around. Luckily the room was empty, and I immediately jumped on him wrapping my legs around his waist. He grabbed my legs holding me in place and we continued kissing. For a while, we just stood there lying against the door, making out. I was trying to play it cool, to be in the moment. For a while I liked his hands, at least that's what I said to myself. Until it all became too much. His hands were too much like the other hands I had on me. His lips felt too hot and slimy. Everything appeared so similar that I couldn't breathe.

Memories began to swamp my mind and I felt nauseated. I pushed Travis away from me and fell on the floor. I quickly and awkwardly got up and stormed out of the room while he shouted my name but I didn't stop. I ran down the hall, unaware of where I'm going and just entered the first room. As soon as I closed the door I hit someone. Not being able to take it anymore I started to vomit. The whole room is spinning. I can recognize that there are more people in a room and they are saying something but it's so far away ... Again, I feel sick. I felt the ground disappear under my feet as strong arms wrapped around me. For the moment I heard voices around me clearly.

- What are you doing, just throw her out. -

- Look at her, she may have overdosed. Just throw her out, let's not make it our problem. Someone will have to pick her up. -

-Look at her clothes. And the watch on her wrist isn't cheap. She looks sophisticated.-

- Throw her out and let's get on with this meeting. - The voices started to fade again and I couldn't understand what they were saying. I Don't see who they are. I just see shadows and quite a lot of people.

- ENOUGH! - I became slightly afraid of this voice and I opened my eyes wider to see who it belonged to. Everything is still a little blurry but I can see the face of the person who holds me in his arms.

- I'll take care of her. - After that, everything became dark and I just gave up, letting this stranger hold me...