Pilot (Part 2)

"Buddy, why do you keep getting stuck like this?" - Phil

"I thought I could get out this time." - Luke

Alex rapidly descending down the stairs takes time to punch in a few jabs along the way.

"I'm just gonna say it. He needs to be checked by a specialist." - Alex

"There. Be free. Excalibur." Phil jokingly exclaims while Luke is groaning about the compressed sides of his brain.

"I'm having a friend over today." - Haley.

Claire with a basketful of laundry asks who this guest is.

"You don't know him." - Haley

Claire alarmingly looks at Phil while ringing that pronoun she used. "Him? Him?"

"Oooh, a boy, you gonna kiss him?" Teased Luke while making kissing noises.

The three children now devolve into a cacophony of arguments. Tired of the fighting, Claire tells Luke and Alex to fight somewhere else.

…

[Phil and Felix's commentary]

"I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I'm hip. I surf the Web. I text. L-O-L. "Laugh out loud." O-M-G, "Oh, my God." W-T-F, "Why the face…"

Felix in a fit of bewilderment struggles to decide if he wants to tell his dad what WTF means.

"You know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so…"

[Flashback scene]

Phil sings the classic theme song of High School Musical while his children torturously sit on the couch slowly cringing their eyes out from embarrassment. Luke and Alex look as if they were watching an animal trying to awkwardly connect with something, Hailey buries her face and groans at a pillow like always, Felix took a spare pillow beside him and loaded it near his chest. He slowly raises it up to a height arm's reach above his head. And swung it to Haley's pillow, caving her face with the mighty force of feathers.

…

"Mom! Dad!" - Alex

"What happened?" - Claire

Alex clutching her arm strides over to the kitchen with a purpose.

"Luke just shot me." - Alex

Defendently Luke denies his allegations, twas' more convincing than Cosby's defense. "I didn't mean to."

"Are you okay?" - Claire

"No, the little bitch shot me." - Alex

Phil chuckles behind Claire before she looks behind and warningly says, "Language."

"They're only Plastic BBs. It was an accident." - Luke

"What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this." - Claire

"Buddy, uncool." - Phil

Alex scoffs and Luke slightly smugs at his dad.

"That's it? No, no, no, the agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him." - Claire

"We were serious about that?" - Phil

"Yes, we were. And now you have to follow through." - Claire

"I'm so sorry." Luke gave his award winning performance of sincerity. Worthy of Oscars, Emmy's, BAFTA's, and all the other award shows.

Claire sniffed out his crocodile's tears and his face faltered from crying to a facade.

"Go." Claire was wanting to see someone get punished.

They try to plan out the time of the shooting in the calendar. Many times were crossed off, 2:00, 3:00, and dinner at 5:00.

Felix emerging from the bottom of the counter near the oven peaks at the situation. "Mom, shoot him at 4:15."

"Thanks, Felix." - Claire

As they disperse Claire finally notices him on the ground attentively looking at the oven. Post-it notes were drawn on and attached everywhere in front of the oven door. Colors were coded from a certain difference. Blue for design and plating, pink for ingredients and yellow for dishes. There was a variety of post-it notes, with blue being the most prominent color, taking up half of the oven door.

"Are you redecorating the house?" - Claire

"No, I'm thinking of the cake design for Uncle Mitch." Says Felix still laser focused on his task.

"Well, I can take care of that-" - Claire

"Please don't, just drive me over to Monsieur Pierrot's after. I'm using the oven there." - Felix

"Honey, that's a working restaurant, are you sure they would let you in?" - Claire

"Yup, one of the sous chefs has their birthday today. That means they're changing the menu to potentially subtract or add from it." - Felix

Claire looks at Felix with a prolonged silence. The registration of what he said was not clicking for her. Staring at Felix's face with a long silence.

The constant glare from his mother woke him up from his stupor to explain the previous statement, in layman's terms.

"It means, they're testing out the recipes from the sous chefs." - Felix

"Oh…." Claire exclaims while nodding her head, pretending that it made sense to her.

In the end, the one sitting on the floor sprung up a eureka and removed the post-it notes with impressive dexterity. Rushing upstairs to find his notebook of food ideas, with sketches and recipes of confectionary and savory treats. He wrote down on an empty page which is scarce in the book, the recipe for 'Strawberry chiffon cake, with honeydew and strawberries filling, lemon curd, toasted Swiss meringue, and candied lemon.'

…

[Claire's commentary]

"I'm worried for that boy. He's been going to that place for a while, and I'm scared he's getting groomed. I mean, that place has knives, fire, bladed equipment, and large shady businessmen." Claire looks around worryingly while guaranteeing that her child was not cared for in that place.

"He came home with a cut, a massive cut on his finger from a mandolin or something. There is dangerous equipment there…" - Claire

…

[Felix's commentary]

"Oh, the cut? Yeah, I was trying to teach my girlfriend, Mr. Pierrot's granddaughter, how to sharpen knives. I got distracted and sliced my finger. It wasn't deep at all. I lied to mess with my mom. I think that was a mistake." Felix said scrunching up his nose from the recounting of the memory.

"Forget, I said the girlfriend part, my mom and dad don't know yet, and I want them to meet Dylan first. Kinda to see the reaction." - Felix

Felix looks up and slightly snickers at his thoughts of the reactions his parents were going to have. "If Haley hears this, she's not gonna live it down."

…

"I'm quitting soccer, it is a game for children." - Manny

The soccer dad Josh, passingly looks at Gloria while consoling his child.

"No, you're not quitting, You would have stopped that goal if you would've stopped staring at that little girl." - Gloria

Manny, defending, looks at his mother, correcting her from what she said, "She is not a girl, she's a woman."

Jay in the car parks, letting the wife and son into it.

"You know, Gloria, that little blowup with that other mom, why do you have to do things like that-" - Jay

"If somebody says something about my family, I'm gonna…" - Gloria

"I'm just saying, you could- you could take down here a little bit, that's all." - Jay

"Yeah, because that's where you live, down here. But I live up here!" Shaking her fist, she triumphantly balls it up and raises it towards the ceiling of the car.

"You don't have to be so emotional all the time. That's all I'm saying. Manny, you understand what I'm saying don't you?" - Jay

Dreamingly Manny stares outside the car to admire the flowers, that without a doubt reminds him of his love, "I wanna tell Brenda Feldman, I love her."

"Oh! For God's sake." - Jay

"Manny, she's 16" - Gloria

"Oh! So, it's okay for you to take an older lover?" - Manny

"Hey, watch it." - Jay

"I wanna go to the mall where she works. But first, I need to get my white shirt, the silk one." - Manny

Gloria relents and sighs, "Okay, if that's what you really want to do."

"Seriously, not to be the evil stepdad, but if you put on a puffy, white shirt, and declare your love for a 16-year old, you're gonna be swinging from the flagpole in your puffy white, underpants." - Jay

"Stop the car." Manny says hurriedly an eye catching sight filling up his view. He rushes out from the car and sprints towards the field.

"Where are you going?" - Gloria

A car honks from behind, assuming Jay had stopped in the middle of the parking lot for a bare reason other than having his kid run out of his car.

"You see, you hurt his feelings." - Gloria

"Yeah, well, if it toughens him up a little bit, then…" Jay looks out to see Manny who he seemingly hurt pick flowers for his 16-year old soon to be girlfriend.

"Geez, he's picking up flowers." - Gloria

…

[Jay and Gloria's commentary]

"Manny's very passionate, just like his father. My first husband, he's very handsome, but too crazy. It seems all we did was, fight and make love, fight and make love, fight and make love. One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out of the window together." Gloria chuckles at the recent afterthought memory.

"Which, which one were you doing?" Jay looked at Gloria while chuckling awkwardly.

"I'm hearing this for the first time." - Jay

…

A recently fresh Cam and Mitch head towards a humble house, baby basket in Mitch's hand.

"This doesn't worry you? She barely slept on the plane and she's still wide awake." - Mitch

"Oh, stop worrying." - Cam

"Hey, Cam, that orphanage was all women. Maybe she just can't fall asleep until she feels a woman's shape." - Mitch

"I guess that's possible." - Cam

"So, here." - Mitch

Cam looks at Mitchell with shock at the underlying implications of his action. Handing Lily over to him. Mouth agape Cam asks, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

…

[Cam and Mitch's commentary]

"Yes, I've gained a few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby, which has been very difficult. But, apparently, your body does a nesting-" - Cam

The camera cuts to Cam eating a piece of chocolate at night sneaking in a few bites before glancing at the camera, shoving the shard of chocolate down his face. Exiting the pantry closet.

"Very maternal, primal thing where it retains nutrients, some sort of molecular physiology thing. But that's science. You can't fight it. So…" - Cam

Mitch's silence was observed and noted by Cam as he tries to formulate a response to Cam.

In a soft voice Mitch, "I'm not saying anything."

Indignantly Cam looks at Mitch, "You're saying everything."

…

"Count to three…" - Cam

"One, two…" - Mitch

"Three." Cam bursts into the baby room to reveal its contents. A powdered pink room with a soft carpet. Aesthetic paintings and drapes in a translucent shade of the rainbow, locked with a window terrace.

"Okay. Cam, this is beautiful." - Mitch

"Oh, my God, do you love it?" - Cam

"Yes…I… What the hell is that?" - Mitch

Painted on the wall were portraits of Cam and Mitch floating on clouds and beating with angel wings. It was quite grotesquely weird.

"I had Andre do it while we were gone." - Cam

"Is that us, with wings?"- Mitch

Endearingly Cam looks at the painted picture. Glorious in all its very little beautiful glory. "We're floating above her, always there to protect her."

Sarcastically Mitch says, "Okay, well that's reassuring. Right, Lily? Yes, we tore you away from everything you know, but don't worry. Your fathers here are floating fairies. No. Can you call Andre? Have him paint something a little less gay?"

"By the way, we need to stop having friends with names like "Andre."" - Mitch

"Red-headed daddy is angry daddy." - Cam

"No, I'm not." - Mitch

"Yes, you are. Even Pepper pointed it out on the way from the airport. - Cam

"Okay. That's another one, Pepper. Yeah." - Mitch

"Okay, what's up?" - Cam

"All right, look." Mitch sighs and explains he never told his parents about the baby they were adopting. Cam seemingly agrees with the statement about judgemental treatment. Comforting him about the correct decision to withhold the information.

"I invited them over for dinner tonight." Cam looks down and leaves a stuttering Mitch in confusion.

"What? - Mitch

"I had to, this would've gone on forever. You're an avoider." - Cam

"No, no, no, no, Cam, I'm calling them right now. I'm canceling." Mitch hurriedly races after Cam, Lily being carried with Mitch as he follows Cam to the kitchen.

"No, you're not. You're telling your family you adopted a baby tonight. And you do have avoidance issues. Even Longinus said so." - Cam

Stammering, Mitch asks Cam, "Are…are you seriously not hearing these names?"

...