Chapter 152

His mouth opened slightly. His eyes widened. A flicker of pain flashed through his eyes and my stomach clenched.

- It's true, he said. I haven't always been able to protect you

His gaze dimmed, his features hardened.

- I'm sorry I haven't been enough

All my anger vanished and I felt empty inside.

- Dad...

Jaw clenched, he looked down at his folded hands before him.

- I understand why you didn't tell me then, especially now that we know someone had the hangar video. All those people who would have tried to kidnap you...

He clutched his hands together so tightly his knuckles were white. 

His voice was hoarse.

- I completely understand why you didn't tell me, but it still hurts...

His eyes shone, and it wasn't because they were reflecting the moonlight.

- I've always done everything I could to protect you. I- I did my best to raise you, I did my best to support you whenever things weren't going well, I did everything I could to make you happy. I thought... I thought you trusted me, you know?

My eyes grew hot and my chin began to quiver in spite of myself.

- We could have... if you'd told me, we could have moved to Italy to live with your grandmother, where you could have been protected. If you'd told me, and someone had come for you, I wouldn't have hesitated for an instant to sacrifice myself if it meant you'd live.

Just imagining that he-

- I wouldn't have wanted you to die, I murmured. I don't want you to die

I'm doing all of this for you.

He smiled sadly.

- There isn't a more dignified death for a father

I turned my head to the side so he would not see my expression.

- Don't say that

I rubbed my burning eyes with my thumb.

My shoulders trembled in spite of myself, the corners of my mouth drooping as I couldn't calm down.

- We could have... so many things could have been different. You could have told me last spring, before you got into Yuei. You could have taken me aside and explained your reasons, why you hadn't told me until now. You could have... you've had so many opportunities...

I didn't want to look at him until I'd gotten back a cool expression, but I had the sensation I'd never be able to calm down enough to face him.

- The only reason I found out was because you didn't have a choice, not because you wanted me to know 

I felt like dying inside because he was right.

- I didn't do it out of spite, I whispered hoarsely. Nor because I didn't trust you. It just... seemed like the right thing to do under the circumstances. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

- You were a child, he said in a low voice. You unlocked your Quirk before you were four. Its true nature must have revealed itself at, what, your sixith birthday ? You were six and you decided that I didn't deserve to know something that important. You were a child and you decided I wasn't worthy of your trust

I turned my head sharply towards him, deciding that my reddened eyes were worth less than the truth.

- Of course I trust you-

I fell silent, breathless.

His eyebrows were drawn low, his lips were tight, his eyes contained a sadness such that it broke my heart. 

Never in my life had I seen him so hurt.

- And yet you kept it to yourself for eleven years

 I couldn't deny it.

- I thought you and I were above all this. I thought you trusted me as much as I trust you

Looking him in the eye and seeing all the pain I'd caused him was the worst thing I'd ever had to do.

- Of course I trust you, I insisted, It's just that sometimes- sometimes-

Often I think of all the people who might come after you to get to me.

- Often I think of all those people and what they'd do to you to have me at their mercy, and I think... You know, there must be someone who can read your memories or make you say even the things you don't want to say. If you don't know anything, then there's less chance of someone coming after you and-

The chances aren't zero, but they're lesser, and less is the only thing I can afford that's as close to risk zero as I can get. 

- It may not be very rational, I know...

Maybe no one would take it out on him, maybe I'd endangered our relationship for nothing, maybe I really was losing it...

But I still had the distinct sensation that the whole world was out to get me.

- I just want you to be well, Dad. And if you have to hate me for it, then...

My voice trailed off and I grew silent.

Chin raised defiantly, I stared out at the blurred city lights, fluttering my eyelashes to clear my vision, noisily clearing my throat to chase away the tremors.

Suddenly, I felt two arms around my shoulders.

I tensed for a second, my heart pounding. 

Then the volcanic heat emanating from his body relaxed my muscles and I let myself go against him, wrapping my arms around his back.

- What made you think I hated you ?, he murmured, running his hand softly through my hair. I may have been distant for a while, but I've never hated you and I never will. You're my son. Nothing you can do will ever change that.

I nodded weakly, even though he couldn't see it. 

- You know I love you more than anything, don't you ?

Of course I do.

- Yes, I murmured bashfuly, trying to hide the emotion in my voice

- Good

He held me tighter and I relaxed, my ear pressed against his chest, my breathing matching his heartbeat. 

He smelled like a chimney fire in the middle of winter, his skin as hot as if someone had made a man out of the sun.

I felt as if the control of my life was slipping away from me, as if every move I made only pushed me deeper into the grave I'd dug for myself, as if every action I took only served to delay the inevitable, but I also knew that as long as he was there, everything would be all right.

- I'm sorry, I whispered breathlessly.

Sorry for dragging his name and honour through the mud, sorry for letting an intruder into our home, sorry for hurting his feelings.

He always looked so strong and in control that I often found it hard to remember that he was just a man navigating the world for the first time. 

He was just a man, just a mortal like the rest of us, and I had put him on this divine pedestal that had stripped him of feelings and personality.

- It's behind us

I'd messed up, and yet he was the one consoling me.

He started to rub my back and I closed my eyes for a moment to rest.

The world was spinning out of my control, but right now he was the most stable thing in it.

- It's not your job to protect me, Shoto. Do what you want and let me deal with the consequences

He held me close until my vision stabilized and my hands stopped shaking.

Slowly, gently, he pulled away, his hands still on my shoulders.

His worried gaze searched mine as it had so many times before, and it did me good to see that nothing had changed between us.

- Feeling better ?

I lowered my mask and smiled.

- Yes. Thank you.

He smiled back, his face seeming to light up from within.

He gave me another quick, fierce hug, before letting me go.

- Teka told me there was something you had to do before you could tell me everything...

The reality of my problems suddenly hit me, but I felt I'd be better able to face them from now on.

- I'll be able to tell you everything soon, I just have to finish something first and then...

Then we can be like we used to be.

He squeezed my shoulder encouragingly.

- Take all the time you need : I'll be waiting.

I felt so grateful and unworthy and happy that he was my father.

He ran his hand over his face.

- It's been a long day, he murmured. I'm tired, I'll go home.

Then he gave me a sideways glance.

- Don't go to bed too late, you look like you can hardly stand up

- I'm not-

The stern look he gave me shut me up.

- Alright

I felt like a child, but this time it was a pleasant realization, different from the fear of not being enough - different from usual. 

He let go of my shoulder, the ghost of his fingers still etched on my shirt.

He left as silently as he had come, and I watched the sun fade, feeling the coldness of a day without light sink its icy claws into my body.

Even frozen and alone, I hadn't felt this good in weeks.

*

Author's note :

Enji and Shoto finally start to mend things...

Such an awesome father/son duo.

If you want to support the story AND read up to 27 chapters ahead of schedule, go check the story's P@treon, Nar_cisseENG

See you tomorrow for the next update everyone !