Loving you is like coming home

I'm in the Red Room once more, standing in line, waiting for my turn to do my final exam. It was my second try. The first time, I had purposely tried to act as if I was really bad at shooting people with bullets, but of course the Madame saw right through it. The punishment I had received for this had left me incapable of walking for multiple days. I would not make the same mistake again, after all… I have no place in the world. The girl in front of me has passed her exam, and she was guided into the next room, to prepare her for the graduation ceremony. Not like she would have any choice in the matter. Getting a hysterectomy makes everything easier, even killing. The dead body of the man that the Widow before me killed gets dragged out of the room, and a new person with a bag over the head is escorted inside. "Next: Natalia Romanova." I step forward with an cold look in my eyes, ready to get this over with. There will never be another life for me than this one. A muscular man hands me a gun with a couple of bullets inside of it, and at the same time the person is being pushed to the knees. Looking at the body type I easily make the conclusion that this is a woman. There is something about her that seems familiar to me, but I shake it off. When I get into position the bags is pulled off her head and… Wanda! Shock goes through me like a wave as I realize that it's my girlfriend on her knees in front of me, waiting for a bullet to go through her head. I turn around to look at the Madame who is staring back at me with no humanity in her eyes. "No, you can't do this!" I realize that my emotionless state of mind is completely gone at this point. A dark smile crosses her face. "No, you're right. I won't. You will." I look back at Wanda whose expression is one of fear. "Nat…" The soft whisper leaves her lips while tears roll over her cheeks. I throw the gun away without any doubt, but when I try to run towards her it's as if I'm frozen in place. "Let her go!" The Madame gives a small not towards the man, and immediately he takes out his own gun. Not being capable of doing anything, I'm forced to watch as he puts the gun against Wanda's temple and pulls the trigger without any hesitation. Her lifeless body drops to the floor and an unnatural scream leaves my lips.

I jolt awake with sweat clinging to my body while panting rapidly. Immediately I turn to my side and I see Wanda lying next to me, sleeping peacefully. I concentrate on her chest going up, down, up, down, and let my own breathing match hers. She's okay, we're okay. About one month ago the doctors had given me the green light which allowed me to be moved. Clint picked up the both of us and flew us back to the Avengers compound, and I wasn't ashamed to admit that during the entire flight I had held Wanda's hand tightly. It felt like coming home. Of course Clint had seen this but beside a small smile in my direction, there was no feedback. Just the way I liked it. When we arrived back in America, Wanda had guided me to my room and basically hadn't left since. Even though I had expected otherwise, it didn't bother me. Never in my entire life had I ever dreamed of sharing my home with someone but with Wanda, it was different. It felt naturally, like this was the way it was supposed to be. I had tried denying what I felt for her for too long, until it had almost killed me. I was not going to make that same mistake again.

Everybody of the team knew about the two of us being together but nobody commented on it. They knew that pissing off the Black Widow and the Scarlet Witch as a team would be a very dumb thing to do. And even though they loved to tease and sometimes even bully each other, we were still a kind of family and they respected that acting as if this had been the case all along was what was best for us.

For a while I just look at Wanda, at the brown locks that are lying over her face. At this point in my life, Wanda being dead is definitely my biggest nightmare. But the thought of me being incapable of protecting her… It is more than what I can handle. I fall back on my back and let out a deep sigh. A part of me wishes that I had my old nightmares again. They existed out of all of the horrible things I had done in my years as Widow, but I deserved that guild, I forced myself to feel it. Otherwise I didn't become a better person at all. But being worried about someone… That is still something that I need to get used to. There is no doubt in my heart that I feel very strongly about her, but one of the consequences of that is that I now have constant nightmares about losing her. I know that I should probably share this with Wanda but I don't want to bother her with something like that, especially because there's nothing she can do about it. She would just feel bad and guilty and that sad look would cross her face. The look she has when her mind gets lost in memories of her brother. Quietly I throw the covers off of me and sit up, wincing a little bit when I can feel this movement pulling my stitches. The healing is going pretty well but I'm still not allowed to join the rest of the team on any missions, with Wanda refusing to go as well because of that. Even though I was technically not allowed to train either, every time I woke up after a nightmare I would go to the gym and do so anyway. I need to keep myself in condition so that I can protect the people I care about. I need to over throw the thoughts in my head with pain in my body. I need to know I'll still be an asset to the team when I can join them again. It might not be the best kind of coping mechanism, but it's the only one I know. I put on some clothes and for a minute I stare at the ballet shoes which are lying in a corner of my closet. I grab them and twist the laces over my hand, carrying them this way. As quietly as possible I leave the room and close the door behind me.

Entering the dancehall Tony build specifically for me, I put on the lights and look around me. It had been a while since I was here last, dancing was a way to try to forget the feelings I feared I had for Wanda. Even though it wasn't that long ago, it felt like a lifetime. Look how far we've gotten in so little time. Sitting down on a chair, I put on the pointes, making sure they are really tight. Walking to the middle of the room I start dancing the Swan Lake. It's definitely not my favorite, but the Red Room made us do it so often that my muscle memory takes over. I don't even have to think about the passes, and the music I need is playing inside my head. Plié. Every time my mind goes back to my nightmare, or to the woman lying in my bed upstairs, I put even more energy in the dance. Pirouette. I feel the pain the shoes are causing but I happily accept it, the familiar feeling somehow bringing my mind into a state of acceptance. Assemblé. Every time a Red Room memory enters my mind, I dance even harder. Grande jeté. The way they locked our wrists to our bed with handcuffs when we went to sleep. Arabesque. The way they would rape us as a way to teach us a lesson. Balancé. The way they would make us spar with each other, and the winner had to kill the loser. Cabriolé. The way they would make us dance hours into the night. Coupé. The way that if you couldn't keep up with the rest, you would get a bullet through your head. Echappé. The way the floor was always covered with blood, one way or the other. Emboité. The way they took away all of your choices. Changement. The way they took away your future. Chassé. The way they took away who you were. Glissade. The way they turned you into a cold blooded murderer. Sissonne. The way they turned you into a Black Widow.

"You know you're not supposed to do that." It's as if Wanda her voice pulls me back to the present and I immediately stop dancing, a wave of pain instantly going through me. I ignore it and put it to the back of my mind. Compartmentalize. "Well, you weren't supposed to see that." My smart reply is and I walk back to the chair, untying my laces as soon as I sit down. Wanda, the only one who is capable of walking up on me. The only one I can lower my guard with… Kind off. I'm still learning, but it's the closest I have ever gotten. "What's wrong dorogoy?" She asks while walking towards me. "Why should something be wrong Wands?" I remove my shoes, ignoring the blood on my feet. I'm used to seeing my toes covered in red when dancing on pointes, it was never a reason to stop. If you would stop dancing because of that, you would be covered in blood in a lot of other places. Wanda raises her eyebrow and a moment of silence follows. "You're bleeding." I sigh, she is too worried. "I know, it's normal when dancing on pointes…" But she shakes her head and points towards my abdomen. "I'm not talking about your feet." As I look down at my stomach I can see blood on my white top. "Oh." Apparently I had closed myself off from my own body a little bit too much, not feeling the fact that I had ripped open my stitches. But if I was being honest with myself, it wouldn't have caused me to stop anyway. Pain only makes you stronger. Wanda pulls close another chair and sits next to me. A lot of Sokovian curse words leave her mouth as she takes a roll of bandages and a compress out of her pocket. "Excuse me?" I ask with a soft smile, I love hearing her speak in her birth language, but she looks back with an annoyed expression. "The short version of it is that you are an idiot and you need to take care of yourself. What would I do if I'd lose you, huh." Hearing her express emotions like that still make me feel uncomfortable so with an annoyed huff I change the subject. "You always bring bandages with you?" While using soft movements, Wanda takes off my tank top and starts removing the bloodied bandages I'm wearing. I must have done more damage than I thought at first. "I'm not stupid you know." I look back at her with a composed expression but inside confusion fills me. "I never said you…" She interrupts me before I have the chance to continue my sentence. "I know you have nightmares and get out of bed in the middle of the night to go training. I always wake up when you leave." When she gets to the compress that's just completely red at this point there is a little pull because apparently it's stuck in the wound. I flinch a little bit but she acts as if she doesn't see it, which I appreciate.

"Why didn't you tell me? It was never my intention to wake you up." Wanda looks into my eyes and I'm slightly taken back by the warmth and understanding I can see in them. She places a clean compress against the wound and after that she starts rolling out a new bandage around my stomach. "Because I know you need it and I respect that." Her words warm my heart. "I know you don't like showing weakness, not even towards me. I know letting me see that you have nightmares is a sign of weakness in your perspective. I know you want to stay in top condition even if you're not allowed to sport right now. And I know that the Red Room caused you to have a very specific coping mechanism, but that's okay. It's part of who you are and I love you." She finishes with the bandages and attaches a kind of little hook on it, to keep it in place. "Thank you." I whisper back to her, trying my very best to allow her to feel all of the complex emotions I'm feeling. "Tonight I noticed you taking your dancing shoes with you so I was prepared for finding you more battered up than you normally are." I smile and give her a soft kiss on her lips. "I didn't know you woke up when I leave the room." For a moment it's like a dark shadow crosses her face. "What's wrong?" "Nothing." She waves away my concern. I put my finger against her chin and make her look up into my eyes. "The truth please dorogoy." A sigh leaves her lips before she speaks. "I can't sleep when you're not with me." I blink my eyes, quite surprised with this statement. "What?" "The moment you leave I either have nightmares or I just lie awake, so I just wait until you're back in bed. The only way I can sleep kind of peacefully is when you're lying next to me." I just stare at her, trying to give this information a place. "What a couple we are, huh." A smile crosses her lips. "One of a kind for sure." I can't help but snort at her response. After a couple of moments have passed Wanda stands up and holds out her hand to me. "Come." One eyebrow raised I allow her to pull me up. "Where are we going?" "You'll see." A smile accompanies her words, that very same smile that caused me to get these strange feelings for her in the first place. "But first put on your top will you, even if it's bloodied." I do as she says and after that I put on the sweater that I had thrown on the back of a chair. "I hope you do realize you have to go to the infirmary tomorrow to have someone look at your wound properly." She says while leaving the room. Completely ignoring what she just said, I follow her out of the room, and I kill the lights. Leaving my shoes behind.

Wanda uses the elevator to go to the highest level of the compound, the level that's used for nothing but technical stuff. "Trust me." She says when she sees my reluctant face. After walking for a couple of seconds she opens a window and after climbing out of it, we are on a kind of platform. She uses a ladder that attached against the wall to go even higher, and I notice that we are on the roof of the Avengers compound. She puts down a fluffy blanket that she got out of nowhere, sometimes I forget that with her witchy powers she can do stuff like that, and lies down on it, gesturing for me to follow her example. When my back touches the comfortable texture she scoots closer, so that our hips and shoulders are touching. "Look." She says with a soft and excited smile, while pointing to the sky. Looking up I can see the sky filled with hundreds of stars, it's like a pool of darkness with millions of fire flies. "It's lovely Wands, but why did you bring me here?" For a moment I think that she didn't hear me, because she keeps looking at the stars, as if she's lost in them. "Oh, I heard you." Her reply to my thoughts comes. "When I just got to the compound, beside for my bedroom, this is the place that I visited the most. I came here quite often during the night, when everyone was asleep and nobody would try to talk to me." A moment of silence falls between us but it's not uncomfortable, and I know she will continue talking when she's ready for it. "When the loss of Pietro becomes too much again, I come here. When we were teenagers he always used to say that the universe was gigantic and compared to that, we were just small creatures with small problems. Being hungry and living in the cold, I never saw how that could be comforting. Maybe our problems were small compared to others, we were still barely surviving. But being older, being here and thinking back to it… Seeing how big that sky is and how small we are… I can understand how it somehow helped him feel at ease." I join her in looking at the countless stars filling the sky and I can understand what she's trying to say. "Do you miss him?" I ask her, immediately realizing that it's a stupid thing to ask. Of course she does. "It's not stupid to ask, and yes, I do miss him. More than words can ever describe." "Do you share his opinion?" She turns to look at me and gives me that adorable head tilt. "Hmm?" "Seeing how small we are compared to the rest of the universe. Does it bring you the same comfort it gave him?" For a moment she is lost in thoughts, but then she shakes her head. "No." My heart breaks a little hearing her say that, I had genuinely hoped that she had found something to bring her the same level of comfort that Pietro had found in this. "I didn't say that I didn't find something though, did I?" A soft smile crosses her lips as she says this. "You did?" She nods and pulls me closer, resting her forehead against mine. "Being with you is the most at home that I have felt since losing him. When he died, it's like a part of me had disappeared. It was as if I was a broken mess, forever bound to live like part of a whole. But being with you… It didn't replace Pietro, but you started to fill the empty part of my heart with something else. With you." I let out a shaky breath, nobody has ever spoken to me like this and it's like I fall in love with her all over again. "I hope you know how important you are to me." A little blush accompanies her words and I entwine my hand with hers. "Wands?" She turns to look at me and I realize once again how beautiful her green eyes are. I could get completely lost in them and there is nothing I would rather do. "I love you."

It's a lonesome and endless highway

I've been searching for so long

After all the miles I've travelled

loving you's like coming home