She gave me my name "Bhairav"

Houses determined the caste of people in my village. My hut was at the bank of the river which was completely isolated for a long time. Other houses were a kilometer away from my place which made their caste higher than ours and the houses above them were of higher castes than them. King's palace was far away from my place. We lived on the outskirts of the country. Only high caste people could live in and around the royal palace. Simply, I was the only one whose name and caste was not accepted by anyone in that village. I didn't have any name and I was unaware of my caste. My name differed according to the wish of people. But what I could not understand was if everybody looked similar then why am I the only one who is hated by all. Children of my age looked like me but they are not treated like me. Maybe I am a little bit darker and my clothes are not as clean as theirs, I am made untouchable.

Our shack was a small kingdom for me with just a small room and a tiny window facing north. It was made of clay and some bamboo covered by straws from above. We used to lie on the earth because we didn't have any beds to afford. Our mattress and pillows were made of torn and unused clothes which were gathered by a grandmother from different places. Whenever my grandmother used to cook something on a clay stove, we had to go out because heavy smoke would cover the entire space inside. I could see other houses also but they were not like ours. Comparatively, they were bigger and stronger made of bricks and stones. I could never imagine what could be inside those houses because all those doors were closed for me and there wasn't any generous person who could invite me inside.

When I went inside, my grandmother was trying to sew some torn clothes. She couldn't hold her tears when she saw me in that vulnerable position. She kept the needle and clothes aside at once and hugged me with a lot of compassion. She asked me so many things but I was not in a condition to answer any of her questions. She kept on weeping and her mouth couldn't stop but I couldn't understand her voice that time. Her voice for me at that time was a kind of unpleasant song without any lyrics. I was exhausted with fear and despair. I couldn't even feel my own voice as they were stuck somewhere inside me. Even Kaale didn't try to explain anything to grandmother though he witnessed everything. Unlike me, he might also be in deep pain. I just lie down on our cozy hapless mattress. I could feel the warm hand of my grandmother on my head. Some portion of my pillow and mattress was wet because of her tears.

She kept on weeping and the room was full with her voice. "You blood-sucking demons, what have you done to my poor boy? What harm has he done to anyone? You will never rest in peace. You all will have a dreadful death. You will die with lots of parasites on your body. You all will go to hell and even after your death, your spirits will suffer. You will never receive any salvation. God is watching everything...."Maybe these were the best curses she could give.

God…., Is there any god in this world? What does he look like? Where was he when I was suffering? Why am I in this pathetic condition? He is just for the rich and powerful, not for the poor and weak. I couldn't even imagine a picture of god because I've never seen him, not even his idol.

Grandmother once said he lives in temples and our hearts but we are not even allowed to step inside the temple and I don't know what is inside my heart. He is watching everything from above. She said there is a magnificent statue of a god in a temple where high caste people go. Why does she believe that there is a god?

I once tried to peek inside the temple just to know about his appearance. I was caught by the temple pujari and his disciples and his visual was barred again. I can still remember what he said to me.

"You untouchable dog, how dare you to step on this divine floor? Throw him away from here."

His two muscular disciples swung me in the air and threw me some meters away from the stairs of the temple. My nose was bleeding and I had bruises all over my body. From then on I thought god's castle was not for me. It is only for those who have clean clothes to wear and offer something to him. I was always covered in filth and I had nothing to offer to him.

That whole night, I just tried to visualize the picture of God so that I could talk to him and ask something. I kept on agitating my mind but it was a mighty task for a four-year-old boy to complete. I struggled to have his picture but couldn't and I don't remember when I closed my eyes.

Tomorrow morning when I opened my eyes, I could feel the warmth of my grandmother. She was constantly gazing at my head. Still, there were cruel marks of that blade. She was trying to heal my wounds with her warm hand. On that freezing morning, I could not feel any cold. I was covered with a thick quilt made of all torn and wasted clothes. Firewood kept on burning beside my bed. But this time there was not any smoke. Maybe the god of fire showed little mercy on me and took away all the smoke from our little room. Kaale was lying beside me with his eyes open with all the sympathy and empathy he could offer to me.

When grandmother saw me awake, she asked me in her gentle voice "Are you hungry? You haven't eaten anything from last night."

I could see the marks of tears on her face. She must have cried for a long time. My stomach was all empty. I didn't have any energy left in my body. So I just nodded my head and got up. Kaale also stood on its four legs with me. I slightly moved towards our tiny window. I could hardly see anything. It looked like the whole universe had turned white and the earth was all covered with a white carpet of frost. I came back to bed and soon grandma gave me a glass of hot water and two boiled potatoes. I immediately ate two potatoes in one breath and slowly drank water.

"Do you need some more, Kalu?" I didn't have any name but my grandma used to call me Kalu with love. I nodded my head and she added me two more potatoes. After eating I felt like I gained back my strength but lost my smile.

"How did this happen? Who did this to you? I am sure they are the same rich devils." She started to ask me questions. I just kept my head down silently and didn't utter a single word and she didn't force me to speak either. She put some wood inside the stove and started to prepare something to eat.

There were so many volcanoes erupting in my mind which remained unanswered for a long time. After some time I started to ask some questions to grandma.

Grandma, what is a whore?

Why do they call me the son of a bitch and bastard?

What happened to my parents?

Why can't I go to the temple?

Why do they call me an untouchable pig/dog?

Why don't I have any names?

What is our caste?

Why do all people hate me?

She was completely baffled by my questions. I had never asked many questions at the same time. Maybe she couldn't take all these questions at once. I saw some drops of tears again pouring out from her eyes. She looked at my face with deep affection. She didn't speak anything at that moment. She felt like she was choked with my questions but she dared to answer some.

"This is a cruel world, son. There is no space for weaker ones. You have to be strong, very, very strong. Now, you are too young to understand all these things. Time will come when you will understand everything. Till then you have to be very strong. You have to be like Bhairav."

"Who is Bhairav, grandma?"

"Bhairav is a fierce and extremely powerful god. He is a fierce manifestation of Lord Shiva. Even death cannot touch him; death doesn't dare to come near him. He punishes all sinners without any mercy. He holds all the strength of this universe and has the ability to destroy all this creation. He is the supreme power of this world.

From today your name is Bhairav. You have to be as strong as Bhairav. Wipeout all your tears and promise me that you'll never cry again."

"What is our caste, grandma?"

"Bhairav is just Bhairav. He doesn't have any caste. Castes are all made by these insecure so-called superiors so that they can rule over innocent people like us. But you are not weak anymore."

Grandma, what happened to my father and mother?

I will tell you everything when the right time comes. But till then prepare yourself for all the adversaries that this cruel world has to offer to you. You see this wide unfertile futile land full of stones outside our home, this is all that your grandfather has left to me. This land is full of stones and I am too old to plow this field. One day you will make this land fertile with your sweat and energy, and then we don't have to spread our hand to fill our stomach. Stay at home, it's very cold today. Don't go anywhere. I've to go to work now.

That name kept on enchanting in my mind through my ear. I could feel the new energy with that name.

Bhairav, Bhairav, Bhairav,...….

I am Bhairav.

I am not weak. I am Bhairav.

I am not a bastard. I am Bhairav

I'll make my own destiny. I am Bhairav.