Even God wants good men by his side

Life was equally difficult whether it be summer or winter. Winter was harsher than summer. I hardly had any nice pair of slippers, shoes or warm clothes. Most of my clothes didn't belong to me. Either they were undersized or oversized. They were all given to my grandma by her different masters as a courtesy or as pity on her. I could not get any clothes that would exactly fit me. Belts were far off my imagination. So, I used a white piece of rope to tie it around my waist and fold it if longer and leave as it is shorter. My shoes looked as if it was going to die at any moment. There was some distance between the upper part and lower part of the shoe. The number of holes was there in the upper part and the shoe sole had already lost its weight completely. I played the role of mediator in bringing shoes and soles together with the help of a ragged sack and tying them together with a tight knot.

My body was like a canvas of any amateur artist with lots of scratches and scars full of life with red colors or simply it was a penance to enter this world. It was a perfect combination of black, brown, and red. I could feel my warm blood peeking out from my body to explore this cold world. My legs, knees, toes, cheeks, lips, hands, fingers, and almost all parts of the body were all punished by the brutalities of coldness.

I didn't know what my grandma used to do, but she would return every night with a handful of grains that were merely sufficient for us. Even the freezing cold would not stop her foot. Every day, every season she just kept on moving. I don't know what her age was. From the day I remember, she had thin hair that had already turned into white. Her face was all covered with the wrinkles of poverty. Her hands had already lost their softness. I could see clear green veins on her legs and her flesh of legs had shrunk, maybe time earlier. Her outer teeth were yellow and her inner was painted with discreet black and there were two or three blank spaces as well. Whenever she opened her mouth her gums would run faster than her teeth. On her left hand was the name of my grandfather "Kazi". Grandma never laughed or smiled, maybe she was overpressed by misfortune, misery, and poverty. But she was the best grandma for me in this whole world as she was the only one who loved me.

I asked her many times about my parents but she always ignored my question.

"Grandma, what happened to my father and mother?"

She resisted my question and told me, "I will tell you everything when the time will come, Kalu. You are very small now."

"Grandma, what is that on your hand?"

Oh! this, this is the name of your grandpa. I inscribed it on my hand when he was alive. I loved him more than anything. So I kept his name on my hand.

"How was grandpa? What happened to him?"

This was the first time I saw a thin line of smiles on her face. Maybe the reminiscence of grandpa made her nostalgic and she hardly could stop her tears to fall down. She wiped her tears with her hand and started to narrate a story forgotten long ago.

Your grandfather was kind, brave, and a golden-hearted person. He did something which no one could have done. He was a real hero as his name. He had that courage and he married me. I was a poor and only child of my parents. We belonged to a lower caste in this society. My father was never happy with me and my mother. To get a life of a daughter in this world is a big sin. He wanted a son and my mother gave him a daughter. He wanted to kill and dispose of me when I was born. My mother has to suffer all the pain and torture given by my father for bringing me into this world. She kept on enduring everything till she could and one day when she couldn't she went to god's home and now she is happy there. I met her sometimes in my dream. She is worried that she could not be with me but my time will also come when I'll be with her.

I started to sell flowers outside the temple. High caste people are very fortunate because they can easily enter the temple anytime they like and our road ends on the first stair of the temple. They bought flowers from me and offered the same flower to god but I was not allowed to go inside because I was untouchable. They would not take flowers from my hand. I had to keep flowers aside and they would pick. Somebody would put pennies in the tapari and some would just throw wherever they liked for the flowers. It was the same temple and the flower that brought your grandpa close to me.

One day he came to me and asked for flowers. He was nicely dressed and had a clean face. I'm sure he must be of high caste. I kept some flowers in a tapari and kept them aside.

"Keep it in my hand."

I was scared and surprised to hear that voice.

"Master, I'm sorry, I can't do that. I am of low caste. I can't directly keep this in your hand. Your god will be angry."

He had a very kind look on my face.

"I'm not going to take it from there. If you are not going to keep it in my hand, then today I won't offer anything to god."

I was in a big dilemma. That was the first time anyone asked me in that way. I'm even forbidden just to see a glimpse of the idol of a god. I can't even touch a clean person in my dream. My world is isolated from theirs with my own misery.

"I would better leave now. You want my god to get angry at me."

"Wait! master, I won't let that happen. Please give me your hand."

He stretched his hand and I put tapari on his hand.

"Give me your hand"

I was really nervous this time.

You don't want your money for this flower.

"You can throw anywhere you like and I'll collect it, master."

"No, give me your hand or I will not take this flower"

I have never faced this kind of situation in my life. Everything was normal till this time. I didn't know what to do in this situation. My heart pounded in such a way that it was going to burst out anytime.

"Come on, I don't have a whole day for this. You want me to go empty-handed in the temple."

With a lot of hesitation, I stretched my right palm. He took out some coins from his pocket and put them on my palm. That was the first time when he touched me and he went inside the temple. I had an amazing feeling full of ambiguity and uncertainty at that time. I kept on standing in a state of oblivion. After some time he came back. He looked at me with a fluorescent smile and I could see all the sparkle in his eyes and the lights on his face but I remained still like a stubborn block of rock. I had a whirl of floating feelings inside me as what happened was totally indigestible to me. It was beyond my imagination and expectation. Nobody showed me such kind of generosity. I know rudeness, hatred, agony, pain, torment, ordeal, tortures, sufferings, and more but I could not understand this.

"Who is he? Why did he touch me? Is he some incarnation of god to touch me with his own hand? Is this my dream? Why did he commit this sin by touching me? Why would anyone take flowers from an untouchable like me? This is surreal. It can't be true." That whole night I could not sleep. I had different variations of vibes inside me. I asked all the questions that I could ask myself but no answer hit me back. I could just feel that magic touch again and again for the whole night. Who is he? Why did he do that? For the first time, I felt like I am also a human being. Moreover, I felt a different vibration inside me.

He came back again the next day also. I was busy arranging flowers outside the temple. He stood in front of me and said, "I need some flowers."

I have heard that high-pitched husky voice before. That voice made my heart pound unusually. I looked at him and kept silent. I put some flowers and kept them aside.

"I do not pick it up from the ground. You know it very well, don't you?"

What is your name?

Kaali, Master. I replied in a low voice as if I didn't have any life.

Kaali…, Is that your real name?

Everyone calls me by that name. You can also call me by that name, Master.

"I'll call you by your real name. Tell me what it is." I can't describe my emotions when he asked my name in that way. I had almost forgotten my own name. I haven't heard my name for a long time. I dwell in filth and people gave me a filthy name and I lived with it.

"Laxmi, Master."

Laxmi is the goddess of wealth, fortune, and prosperity. That name was kept by my mother. But I don't know what her state of mind was when she gave me that name. From birth, my companions were poverty and misery. My own shadow tries to abandon me, why would anyone embrace me?

"You've got the name of the goddess and you look like one of them."

I didn't have any words to return. Nobody would say that. I looked miserable and I didn't have a womanly figure to attract anyone. I almost forgot that I am a woman and I have got a womanly heart too. I just kept a tapari full of flowers on my palm. He took it and put a coin with his touch on my palm. He went inside the temple and I kept on shivering with an anxious heart.

I didn't see him for a few days and it disturbed me a lot from inside. I heard his voice in every man's voice. What is happening to me? These things should go out of me. This is not for me. He must be a cool breeze of air that tranquilizes my deserted soul. I can't hold the air for me. It keeps on moving, anywhere, any place without any boundary. But I have to remain still and strong because I can't walk together with air.

Suddenly, after seventeen days he came back again. He stood in front of me and looked into my eyes so deeply as if he was searching for a pearl in the heart of the ocean. I couldn't speak at all. I tried to run from his eyes but I couldn't and I looked into his eyes with fear and astonishment.

"Will you marry me?" That was a sentence he spoke after a minute or two.

I couldn't hold my tears. It exploded out fiercely after a long time. I never cried about my misery but this time I couldn't hold it.

"Why are you making fun of an unfortunate poor girl like me? Why do you want to laugh at my destitute?" I was still crying.

"If I'm lying, Maa Kaali's sword may slice my body into two pieces right now." He grabbed my right hand. "I swear to god and I take you as my wife from this moment. Under any circumstances, I will not leave you and I'll always protect you."

I desperately snatched my hand from his and ran like a mad owl without any direction. I could not feel anything. My feet took me at the top of the hill. Soon there was just a fraction of the distance between land and air.

"Stop, stop" that thundering sound struck my ears and I gained back my consciousness.

"You can't do this. I stand in front of you with an empty hand. I don't have anything now. I left my home, my family for you. They can't understand my love for you because they are unable to break this wall created by this degenerate society. I'm not that weak. I'll break anything that will come between you and me. No force in this universe can separate you from me. The day I saw you, I already took you as my wife. That god is the witness of my true love. I'll never leave you till the end of my life."

All those words kept on whirling inside my own pool. Did I have any life or was I already out of life? I was totally numb. He grabbed my hand and kept on walking. There were numerous volcanoes inside my heart. But after walking a long distance with him I felt like I was his shadow and he was my body. He took me to a beautiful house. We stood out of the fence of that house.

"Mother, mother" A middle-aged woman came out and stood on the veranda. Immediately an older man than her accompanied her.

"She is your daughter-in-law. Give her your blessings."

"You swine, you've cut my nose. Don't dare to enter inside my divine land. You made our all tutelary god angry. I don't know what price I'll have to pay now. Take your filth out of here and get out of my sight. You whore, you've ruined my son. You're already dead to me from now onwards." The old man yelled to his satisfaction but I could see a flood of tears in his mother's eyes but she remained silent. He didn't speak anything. He didn't leave my hand and we walked away from there. This whole incident was like a dream to me.

"We'll make our own world where there won't be any space for hatred and discrimination among people. My father is a great Brahmin. But, what is the use of all the knowledge and wisdom if he doesn't have that eye to see and understand people?" He said to me. He took me to this place. He left everything for me, for a girl like me who is abandoned by the whole society. Even my presence is barred on all auspicious occasions. How can he do this? How can a man like a prince fall in for dirt like me? Is love that powerful? There were many waves of questions in my heart but I didn't ask him. I just thought, maybe I'm not allowed to enter the temple and that's why God himself came out of the temple to hold my hand. He must be the incarnation of God to take me away from my misery. All of a sudden, all the happiness of this world came to nurture me. There was no limitation of my happiness and all the overpressed weight flew away from my soul to somewhere far, far away. I completely belonged to him and at that time I inscribed his name on my hand. My heart, my soul, my body belonged to him.

But this could not last for a long time. I don't know if he was caught by some disease or some Bokshi spelled black magic on him, he fell very sick. He could not get up and rested lying down. I went to different Jhakri for a cure but everyone said he has been cursed by a powerful Bokshi and he will die soon. Only god can save him.

How is this possible? What kind of curse is this? What bad have I done to anyone? I went from door to door of every single temple and pleaded for his life but had to return empty-handed. I asked God to take my life and spare him. Unlike this cruel society, he didn't like me either. How can this world and that god tolerate some sunshine in my life? This whole world envied my little happiness and snatched my life away from me. He took him away from me, so far away that he will never return again. Everything simply faded away from my hand once again. Even, there is a scarcity of good men in heaven, and God took my man. But I was the only one who broke this iniquitous tradition and I refused to immolate myself. I loved him more than myself and I have to live for him. His memories are enough for me to live in this cruel world.

I remembered everything that my grandma told me about my grandpa. I will wait for the day when she will tell me about my parents too. I was still anxious to know more about my parents. I promised myself that I'll bring back all those happiness in her life once again. But what can I do? I am just a kid. I'm not just a kid. I'm Bhairav and Bhairav can do anything. I replied back to myself.