Sus

"The kids are up to something." I told Eltariel as I came home from another day of work, "Some of them are missing, and they took my dog."

"Maybe if you had less of them it would be easier to keep track of them." she chuckled as she put a plate of hot food down in front of me and took her own place at the table.

"Funny you should say that because I am fifty percent sure that your oldest is the ring leader of this latest fuckery." I jabbed back and took a bite of my prime rib before groaning.

There is a damn fine reason Eltariel cooks when we could have slaves do the work. Woman has taste and skill aplenty.

"Any idea what this 'latest fuckery' is?" she questioned as she started with her glazed carrots.

"Hmmm… no." I answered, "Eve and Tennedir are running me ragged. The girl has me breeding horses as gifts for the Kings of Harad, and our boy and I have been seeking the secret art of Pedro's Tacos. We are close. So close to the power of the beef."

"So you can build massive star ships capable of blowing up planets, but a human created dish is a mystery to you?" Eltariel chuckled.

I put my knife and fork down to fully hit her with the power of my frowning contempt, "You know not how deprived you are woman. Once I have uncovered whatever True Magic they used to make the beef so good, then you will know. For you have either tasted the truth and carry that weight, or you live blind, deaf, and dumb for eternity. We are born of the beef, made men by the beef, undone by the beef. Our taste buds are yet to open. Lament the passing of Pedro's Beef."

"Are you being a geek again?" Eltariel cast me a suspicious glaze having learned of my fondness for stealing and warping geek cultural quotes.

I nodded and we both chuckled.

Keeping up with the homies took up much of my time these days, as breeding horses for the Kings of Harad was just a taste of the statecraft needed to manage my many allies, especially in the east.

Harad was a nice mix of savage tribes and petty kings, the former quick to bow down to me as the Great Chief and the latter indubitably susceptible to bribery. Both groups implemented my much needed policies for population and productivity maximizations and became staunch trade partners. Harad consisted of Black Folk, a small population of Black Numenorians, and the Black Races (Goblins, Orcs, Uruks, and Trolls). They all got along so well that they had a solid minority of Half-Trolls and more power to the dudes nutting in Troll cunny to make that happen. Victory favors the bold and nothing is bolder than stuffing your cock in a semi-humanoid giant creature capable of popping you like a grape.

Harad was pretty Kumbaya so long as I kept everyone's egos in check, a daunting task, but Unlimited Power helps with that.

The problems mostly came from Rhun, and what a catchall of a place name as literally everything east of the Sea of Rhun is Rhun. All the way to the Mountains at the end of Land of the Sun. Within it are literally countless clans, tribes, kingdoms, and empires of all races. And they all have beef.

Most of this beef is due to a pair of Blue Wizards who got a late life rewrite from the man himself that retconned them from a pair of losers no longer welcome in Valinor to the greatest agents of discord and revolution in the lands. Shit trackers though.

The closest of the greater peoples of Rhun are the Easterlings and technically I am their head of state as I impersonate their godking Sauron. They have historically served every Dark Lord since the first age in different societal forms such as the Wainriders and the Balcoth.

Their territory stretches from the Sea of Rhun all the way to the river that comes down from the north sea and runs all the way to the mountains that form the eastern boarder of Khand - farther too in a different fork - and their massive armies would be the ultimate beat stick if not for the dozens of upstart tribes and clans they have to put down regularly and the constant attacks from fantasy China AKA the Empire of Shen coming over the river no doubt prompted by the Nazgul sisters getting wraithed and with a little help from ol' Alatar and Pallando.

In fact Shen is more than willing to cart savages from the lands even more east of them into Easterling territory just to cause more problems for my quasi-worshipers.

Honestly the campaign to take the East was going to be even more hectic than the lands of the West, but at least most of the Dwarf Clans have migrated to the West after they got tired of all the trials, tribulations, and temptations that came from living in lands frequented by the Dark Lord.

I have no fucking idea or desire to operate any kind of foreign policy in regards to cave dwelling short stacks made for incorruptibility and stubbornness with women I don't want to plow. The Goblins of Goblintown had the right of it.

'Bake and toast 'em, fry and roast 'em'

Seriously, fuck 'em. They aren't even good craftsmen as they rely more on the starting quality of their metals rather than some incredible skill and feat of labor. The Elves are objectively better in every way, and any time I need some instruction I just yank Feanor's soul out of the Halls of Mandos and if he gets mouthy I send him right back to his eternal purgatory.

My own skills in metallurgy and craftsman leave him in the dust as I have worked with more wild and exotic materials than the guy could have ever dreamed of including the flesh of my Primordial God Father Ormagoden, but the guy knows jewel craft inside and out and has helped me refine my aesthetic eye towards a more timeless ethereal beauty in every line and curve.

So yeah, I'd genocide the Dwarves if they weren't a pack of mead drinking axe swinging homebois. They have objectively zero utility to me outside of the spirit of Party Hardy.

With Feanor's help I re-pimped my armor, cause gold is for poor boys and Big Daddy Thrag is rolling deep in the Mithril. Not that I was abandoning my love of gold, cause guess what boys - igneous rocks AKA volcanic rocks, are chocked full of titanium bearing minerals.

Honestly at this point I think I should just put a ring on Mount Doom, cause she delivers me goodies non-stop. In fact, I went into her heart and used some advanced pyromancy to achieve the heat needed to create the most awesome of alloys, Titanium Gold. And sure I needed to mix in a little Mithril because Titanium Gold will shatter when hit with enough power, but Mithril's force absorption properties helped take the alloy over the top, as seen when Frodo got shanked by either a big Uruk or a fucking Cave Troll whether he would have had a book or movie encounter.

Even if Mithril is impervious, the force should have shattered his ribs and shredded his innards, but it didn't so win win winning.

I layered a pure mithril filigree over my gold armor and touched it up with some ground ruby, topaz, and zircon lacquer accents. My boy Tennedir put his elf hands to use and partially gilded and delicately jeweled the beautiful red feathers of my cape to complete a look so extravagant I am fully ready for the Valar get up in arms over it like they did the Simarils.

After all that I built myself a new chopper this time scaling up the Master Cleaver from Fable 2 into an oversized two handed weapon made of my Mithril Titanium Gold and getting the full monti on audacious filigree and lacquer and enchantment to it to make the most expensive and potent weapon in the setting.

I sometimes scare myself with the weapons I make.

With the name Gellamien, or Daughter of Jubilation in the Elf speak I learned after near thirty years with Eltariel one wouldn't expect much destruction per swing until they realize who forged her and what brings him jubilation.

If you guessed maximum fuck everything in that general direction with each and every slash, there is hope for you yet.