Ch 15 Exhausted Reconciliations

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Dear Perseus...

Ambition can be a good thing, I suppose. It depends on what you want to do... I don't know...

Your friends...are they really that close to you? You haven't said much...

Have you considered what your friend is saying? She might be right.

I'll...I'm sorry, I don't really have the energy to write this right now.

Maybe next letter?

Medusa

"Hey...hear?

"...I...way!"

It was odd, Lily reflected as she sat at her seat in the great hall, staring down at her porridge, trying to will herself to eat it. Although she intellectually knew that there were people talking, chatting and giggling all around her, it seemed as if there was naught but endless silence surrounding her, with strange voices sometimes interrupting from out of nowhere.

It had been two days since she had heard of her father's death. Ever since, she had spent much of her time locked in her room, crying endless hot tears. She hadn't spoken to Slughorn yet, or anybody else really. She probably should have, but she just hadn't been able to do it...not yet anyway.

Besides, the person with whom she wanted most to talk was part of the problem.

Over by the Slytherin table, Severus merely ate his food, looking neither to the right nor the left as he sat in utter silence. Perhaps it was his own method of grieving. She wouldn't know, as she hadn't been looking for the signs after the death of his mother. Regardless though, Lily wondered if she should be glad to see someone else mourning the death of Richard Evans.

She'd think about it later, when she had the energy to do more than mope and cry. Hopefully she would have tears left in time for the funeral this weekend.

Lily then remembered Severus' words to Mulciber and fell even more into confusion. How could Severus be mourning the death of her father when he wanted to join a group like the Death Eaters? Richard Evans was a Muggle, so why did Severus care? The Death Eaters looked down on Muggles, thought that they were all scum...

...not being supportive of the blood-purity concept is not a popular opinion to announce among my peers. This is another reason I am appreciative of the fact that we shall never actually meet.

The words from one of Perseus' letters echoed through her mind, causing Lily to sigh, shaking her head. It seemed that she didn't know anything about Severus anymore, not really. What in Merlin's name was going on with that boy? Was it his friends that were causing the problem? Was it him? Was it...Evelyn?

Suddenly, a voice that Lily did not want to hear spoke, "Hey, Lily! Can I have a word with-"

"Leave me alone, Potter!"

"Come on, you haven't spoken to me in over a week!"

"James, which part of 'I never want to speak to you again' don't you understand!" shouted Lily as she got up from the table, preparing to storm off. She had to deal with her father's death as well as the situation with Severus so she really couldn't be bothered with listening to his stupid, fake apologies. Couldn't he understand? She couldn't deal with this right now!

However, even as she left the Great Hall, she was halted by someone grabbing her arm. Whirling around in anger, she saw James Potter gripped her hand in a grasp that felt like iron. Turning around, she saw the Gryffindor boy brandishing his wand at her, an almost-desperate look in his dark brown eyes.

For a moment, there was silence as James stared at her silently, Lily staring back at James' wand in growing unease, even fear. Was he going to hex her now? Hurt her if she didn't talk to him? He had never done so before, but...

James swallowed, breaking her concentration as he looked her in the eyes and opened his mouth. Slowly lowering his wand (although not letting it out of his hand), he then spoke grimly, "Alright, Lily, please, please listen just for a few minutes, alright?"

At Lily's terrified nod, he took a deep breath and continued earnestly, "Great. Now Lily, I get that you're angry at me for that night at the dance. I really do! I just thought that you were trying to humiliate me is all, so I was returning the favor. Honestly, if you had just told me that you weren't that good at dancing, I would have given you a few lessons in private or something. Really! So what do you say we call it a truce? Come on, please!"

"The answer's still no, James," replied Lily warily, her hand on her wand where she could draw it if things went badly. Snarling, she shouted back.. "Honestly, you thought that I might be humiliating you? That's your whole reason? A mere suspicion that I just wanted to make you look stupid? You threw me to the wolves, you inbred twit!" And with that, Lily ripped her arm out of his grip, her wand held high in the other.

However, instead of hexing her, James looked at her with pleading eyes as he spoke. "Lily, a Potter never begs for anything, that's what my dad always says. But I'm begging you now: please, please please forgive me for this! I'll do anything, anything!"

Lily looked at the boy, feeling a massive wave of exhaustion flow over her as she tried to decide what to say. Her father had died only a couple of days ago in a car wreck, Severus might be betraying the promise he made to her (although she wasn't completely sure on that), and now this. She just didn't have the energy to care...

"So that's how it is, isn't it?" James suddenly asked abruptly, the incongruity in his words interrupting her thoughts. He glared at her, his lip curling in disgust. "You'll forgive anyone, anyone except me, won't you? Even bloody Snivellus, who called you a bloody Mudblood, you'll forgive, but not James Potter! Oh no, never him! You're such a hypocrite you know? He humiliates you in front of the whole school for no reason whatsoever and he gets a pass for it, but I just make a mistake and I'm thrown under a bus? That's-"

"-Fine then, I forgive you. Happy?" replied Lily, a sudden headache consuming her. The insult to Severus aside, she just couldn't bring herself to stand there, talking to James. At that point, she'd have forgiven Mulciber.

"You...you will?" James blinked, his eyes wide with shock before his face split into a massive grin. Laughing wildly, he then cheered, "Thank you so much! I knew you'd make the right decision, I just knew it! Trust me, one day you'll look back and-"

Lily interrupted, not having the patience to listen as he blathered his thanks. Her father was dead, and she didn't want to waste her time dealing with him. "James Potter, you have five seconds to leave my sight or I'll change my mind! Go!"

James looked at her strangely, but quickly ran away, muttering audibly, "What's got her acting so strange?"

Alone again, Lily leaned against a nearby wall in utter mental exhaustion. She was going to go insane if she didn't do something, she just knew it.

She probably needed to talk to someone about her dad, about Severus, about everything. It wasn't going to be James Potter she'd talk to though, that was certain. Normally, she'd try talking to her dad or Severus in a time like this, but talking to the former was impossible and the latter was part of the problem she needed to solve.

Something had to change, and soon, or she was going to drive herself spare.

"I want you to stop talking to Avery and Mulciber, or any of those boys. Got it?" said the red-haired girl abruptly, crossing her arms as she stared stonily at the young man in front of her, biting her lip as she waited for him to respond to her command.

It was Wednesday afternoon when Lily had finally grown tired of waiting for Severus to talk, deciding to bring up the subject herself.

Perhaps she could have done with a bit more subtlety.

Severus paused in mid-stir, his face suddenly rigid although he wasn't looking at her. Slowly, he turned and said in a voice that had a strange calm audible in it, as if he wasn't quite able to respond, "I do believe that you said that I could keep them as friends, did you not?"

Stamping her foot, Lily replied in a little girl's petulant whine, "Well, then I'm un-saying it! You can't talk to them, understand?"

"Last I checked, reneging on a deal like that wasn't an option, especially not four months after making it." Severus' voice was perfectly calm and as he spoke, although his hard eyes gave evidence to his clear anger. "You yourself said that you wouldn't make me give them up. You...you can't just take it back! You said that as long as I didn't act like them, it was fine!"

Lily growled in frustration, hating how Severus was twisting what she had said. She had said that...but wasn't it only on the condition that he wasn't going to become a Death Eater? She was pretty sure of that... "Well, it's not fine anymore, alright? I don't want you to be their friend anymore!"

Severus gave her a cold, angry look and opened his mouth to speak, but seemed to think better of it. His eyebrows knit as he surveyed her, analyzing her with his dark stare, his lips now pursed in apparent consideration. He then shook his head and sighed, giving her a pitying sort of look as he spoke, "This is about your father's...passing, I suspect. You...you are worried that I'll leave you somehow, like him. Is that it?"

"This has nothing, nothing to do with my father!" snarled Lily as she resisted the strong urge to slap Severus, giving him an angry glare as punishment instead. "This is about you, and your thrice-cursed friends! And stop bloody trying to analyze me! I get enough of that from Professor Slughorn!"

"Well then, I can't see what is the problem." Severus' tones were deceptively complacent, his eyes resembling black pits as he glared at her. "You yourself offered to let me keep them as friends, so long as I toed the line in our bargain, and I've done so. As for 'analyzing', I know that you're probably feeling 'emotional' as a result of your father, so I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt."

"Argh! Stop it, you prat!" Lily grabbed Severus by the robes of his neck, causing his eyes to widen as she brought his face mere inches from her own. Her eyes narrowed into slits, she said in a falsely-calm voice of her own, "I said that as long as you didn't act like them or become a Death Eater, you could stay friends with them. And apparently you're still planing on the latter, so I'm reneging on the deal. Understood? Now promise me you're never going to talk to them, or I'm going to go right out this door and bid good riddance to the back-stabbing traitor that I've called my 'best friend'!"

Severus gave her an odd look, but didn't say a word, merely looking down at her in silence. The seconds ticked by, until Lily finally let go of the boy's robes, saying in a tired voice, "Well then, I guess that's that then, Severus. For what it's worth, you-"

"I'm not joining the Death Eaters." Severus interrupted, still looking at her strangely. "I told you that on holiday."

"Ha!" Lily laughed mirthlessly, her eyes hard as she turned away in disgust. If he wasn't going to even try telling her the truth, then talking to him was a complete waste of time. "I heard you talking to Mulciber and Avery, telling them how much you were looking forward to becoming a bloody Death Eater! If you were going to lie about it, at least do-"

"Of course I was lying, you twit!" snapped Severus, annoyance audible in his voice. "What did you think I was-"

"-So you admit it, you cowardly snake!" shouted Lily, whirling upon Severus, wand drawn and pointed straight at him. "I should have known better than to trust-"

"-I was lying to them!" ground out Severus, his wand drawn as well as he crouched in an excellent defensive position. "Not you! I told you that I wouldn't join them at Christmas, and I meant it! You hear me? I bloody meant it!"

"And why should I trust you!" Lily had tears in her eyes at this point as she screamed at the angry boy in front of her. "How do I know that it's not me who's being tricked, lied to!"

"Because I need you! I wouldn't betray you like that, not when you were the only one there when my mother died!" Severus roared, slamming his hand onto a nearby table as his words rent the air. Suddenly, his eyes snapped open to their full extent as he apparently realized what he had said. His mouth worked silently, not uttering a single syllable as he stared at her in horror, a frigid silence filling the air.

Lily stared right back at him, eyes equally wide, before she remembered that she wasn't supposed to know about his mother's death. Quickly, she spoke loudly in what she hoped were surprised tones, "When your mother died? What do you mean, Severus?"

Severus though seemed unable to speak, his eyes pleading with her, as if he hoped that she would 'forget' what she had just heard. He soon seemed to realize this was hopeless though, at least not without a memory charm or two, and bowed his head, hiding his face with his head. Lily bit her lip, her anger draining away so fast that it seemed that it had never been there.

Perhaps it had only been hurt to begin with.

Finally, Severus turned back to her, his eyes blank as he spoke in an emotionless monotone, blank in that eerie way only he could manage, "Lily...do you remember what you said on the way to the party, about my mother?" At Lily's shake of the head, he continued, "My mother...she died last year, while the two of us were no longer friends..."

"Oh...that...that's horrible," said Lily lamely, her voice seeming like that of a small child's. "I'm sorry for your loss..."

Severus merely shrugged, his eyes still empty. "It doesn't matter anyway."

"Of course it does!"

She strode towards Severus, while he cocked his head, his eyes widening as he observed the a fierce look upon Lily's face. Her anger at him had been forgotten, replaced by a need to comfort the stoic young man. "Severus, tell me about it, come on..." She placed both hands on the shoulders of the dark young man, kneading his shoulders slightly in circular motions. "Please?"

Severus looked away and didn't say anything for several minutes, his eyes seemingly fastened upon the long-forgotten potion oozing tepidly in the cauldron beside him. Lily had begun to give up on him saying anything without further prodding when he finally said, "I was working on a new variant of Blood-replenishing potion...that day. I remember it vividly. Slughorn...he came in through his office door... I thought he wanted to see my latest work, so I picked up a vial, but he just gave me this sad, pitying look... It was the same look he used on you..."

Lily swallowed, the image of the broken, lonely Severus overpowering her in spite of her forewarning. She pulled him closer in an effort to somehow exorcise that bit of tragedy from his past, as if she could make up for not being there then by being here for him now.

The boy continued, his eyes unblinking, "He told me that my mother...she had passed away..." There was a pause, Lily watching Severus quietly, unable to speak. "Suicide...I dropped the vial on the floor. It shattered, potion spilling everywhere. She had drowned... My father...he had already started packing his things, said he didn't want to stay, that now he could finally live..."

"And then you came to see me?" Lily asked, whispering as she pressed him against her body, his head resting on her shoulder, atop the scratchy wool of her robes. "It was the first night of winter holiday, wasn't it?"

He turned to look at her, his face barely inches from hers as he spoke, his tone blank. "I went to your house, yes."

"But why me? Why not one of your other friends?" replied Lily in confusion, her emerald eyes fastened upon his as she drew closer, noses brushing against one another. His eyes slowly changed, filling with emotion as she watched.

"Because..." The Slytherin boy spoke simply.

"Because?" breathed out Lily, her arms slipping around his neck as she held him, her lips resting on his left cheek.

"Because you're you...and they're not." Severus' eyebrows knit, a quizzical look in his eyes. "Right then...that's all that mattered."

Lily's eyes shut then, closing out the rest of the world as their lips met. This time, it wasn't because she was teasing him, or because she wanted him to experience his first kiss. She wasn't certain who kissed who this time. She wasn't even sure if she cared.

It only lasted for five seconds, ending when Severus abruptly pulled his head back, his black orbs filled with horror...

She jumped back as well, shaking her head to clear it of the sensation, she could still feel the sensation of her lips against hers.

Somehow, it was quite different from last time.

Medusa,

I understand, let me know when you're ready to talk.

I'll be waiting.

Your friend,

Perseus