SNOW SWAN

It was yet another day in June the month which has brought me so much stress, made me curse quite a few times at no one in particular, the universe? my luck? Yin and Yang? my deadbeat father or his mistress? I couldn't tell all I knew and felt was anger and frustration, anger cause I couldn't change anything no matter what I felt or thought.

Mum sat on the stairway leading up to our apartment or should I say to our former apartment, completely unaware of the situation we were currently in, our roles seemed to have been reversed since the past year. First it had been her staying in her room for days, not eating, paranoia which was mostly surrounded on my dad cheating on her which in fact had happened but that was more than 12 years ago.

These days she seats on the balcony everyday waiting for her "Oppa" somehow she feels like she's still in highschool with my dad and like every other day he never shows up, some part of me started hoping too...that he'll show up, that a miracle would happen and we wouldn't have to leave our home but looking at the notice on the door and our luggage lying all around, everything felt bleak and empty.

who would I call? Unni? she wasn't my actual sister and she already had so much on her plate. my mum's relatives were all in Japan, with no money for rent why was I even thinking about Japan?

"Yuki. Yuki. Yuki!" someone called out, freeing my focus from the million scrabbling in my head, turning around my gaze fell on her, my mother grinning softly as she rubbed on her stomach signalling that she was hungry.

my eyes searched her pale skin that had gone even paler now that she rarely left the house, searching for any bit of consciousness.

"mom!" I wanted to call out and cry, cry so hard to my heart's content. could she not see? can my Ukasa come back to me... ? at least for a moment, not to solve my problems but to tell me everything would be ok, even when I know it wouldn't, I would believe, I would believe cause she said so but right now I'm alone, except for her round brown eyes smeared with pink glitter that fails to see the tears gathering on my eyes. I'm all alone... totally.. not even the eyes of the neighbors looking from their large kitchen windows makes the loneliness less, everything seems real, all too real that I can't even pretend that this is all a terrible nightmare.

"Give me a moment Mo... Suzume Chan" I quickly correct myself, remembering the role play I've had to put on these pass months ,, now she isn't my mum, she's my friend. A friend she's staying with over the summer before she goes back to Tokyo.

For a minute my eyes move up to the only house that makes this neighborhood look a little modern it's walls covered in a delicate splash of white paint and flowers that makes it look like architecture out of a Disney princess movie. Once I had wished that was my home so I could be with him forever, his taunts wouldn't matter cause he was my only friend he just didn't know how not to be cold and I understand that, if I had a father like that I'll be worst not like mine's any better but at least he never physically abused me. 

If only he could just come out, or look through his window...but I know he wouldn't, not after that night, not after everything. It's like he ran away from me not even his mom would tell me where he went. That night shouldn't have happened but it did and now I can't change anything. 

 The cab I ordered had already arrived, its loud honk signaling my auditories into consciousness. The driver, a middle aged man looked like he lacked allot of patience or maybe he was just annoyed by the amount of luggage lying around.

"All that won't fit here" he said to me before i could even bow to greet him with an expression fit for a police officer or a quality control officier on duty. 

"Ajusshi my friend's coming over to take some." I replied, hoping his expression would loosen up but then it tightened on seeing my mom and then slowly his eyes seem to fill with pity...oh how much I hate that look! it was better though, than the look of curiosity some people usually had. It was as though she was some kind of lab experiment or animal in a zoo, it sickened me.

Madame Suzume...a woman so gracious and perfect she embodied the word "snow swan" the performance that made her stand out in her days, a ballet queen but now...she couldn't even recognize herself, most days I see her struggling to get on her tippy toes but how do I tell her she can't dance no more? not after the man she loves caused her to loose the ability to?

Thankfully Li Ahn arrived few minutes after the driver, she had brought her father's truck. Together we loaded all of the remaining furnitures unto the back of the truck. countless times I told her how thankful I was and how I would get the things back once I'm settled in Providence S the central city, at most in a week's time, of course I knew all too well it's easier said than done but that's all I could offer, promises cause I knew now Ahn wasn't my friend as I had thought or may be we had grown apart? or perhaps we weren't even as close as I had thought initially..close enough to ask for favors.

The ride to the train station was a quiet one, Mum had fallen asleep and except for the occasional eye contact with the driver through the mirror everything else dulled up. I should be happy, going to my dream city,the place where dreams are made but here I was sulking and hopeless. I couldn't help but think about my old school, my old classmates, not like they had particularly been nice to me, the town I was leaving behind, my dad....

everyone had either gone to college or started working full time at their family businesses, or moved abroad only I was left working in that old Mart, a dry cleaner's shop, a Ramyeon spot. Three jobs that barely got us by or was enough for my dream to study in the Idol Acedemia. Reluctantly I had applied for a scholarship knowing I didn't fit the criteria, at 19 I was older than most trainee idols that had started at young ages such as 10 years and even 7. Everything on that application screamed "not eligible!" but nonetheless I filled in my details leaving it so I can tell my once again disappointed self "u did your best".

By the time we got to the train station it was already 8:25pm the last train would leave in about 35mins. quickly we alighted the cab taking out our luggage with the help of the cab driver.

"Ajusshi, here's your pay" I offered when our luggage had all been taken out.

"hm." he took the money, counted it then gave half of it to me. "for gas" he said with a genuine smile tucking a few Yuen notes in to his shirt's pocket.

He must have seen the shock on my face which made him give me an expression like that of fatherly concern, for the first time that day my heart pace seemed to slow down, finally I could feel the cold air hit my skin, the noise around and the sound of a distant train approaching.

"Ajusshi..." was the only word I could mutter, utterly overwhelmed by such kindness it had been long anyone did something for me without me having to plead. Ahn had only agreed to help after much pleading to her and her father who confirmed he had space in his Warehouse Ahn had previously told me was in use, someone I thought was a friend but here this man was offering me his kindness.

"Arigato Ku sai mas" bowing slightly to show my gratitude, forgetting that I had used the wrong language to express my appreciation. it's said that when in fear or deep emotions, humans tend to use their mother tongue when expressing deep seated unconsciously shown emotions, I had experienced first hand what Miss Cheng talked about in 8th grade the realization washed over by slight embarrassment as I bit my lower lip.

His lips curved into a small smile, the wrinkles around his eyes and lips merging and going in stretched different directions.

"Be well, and take care of her" he muttered, his eyes moving towards the direction of my mum who by now was seated on a bench in front of the train station that was bustling with inward and outward moving crowd, she looked Serene, quiet like she was in deep thought. her mood had changed yet again.

"Hurry so you don't miss your train" He said, wearing a concerned look. 

soon he was gone and I was left looking at the train schedule, before getting snacks so we could eat, my mind still filled with the warmth from this stranger that had helped me, it wasn't about the money it was the concern, no pity just concern. it felt as though he understood, like he knew just how hard it was and that was enough for me.

"Come on now Su Chan, the train's here. Province S, here we come!" I said with a smile to a grinning Suzume, my mom, my friend my companion and although she was clueless she seemed happy, more quiet than earlier but happy nonetheless.

"Hope. Life. success. good Karma and loads of good luck" I muttered to myself as we got on the train.

"To the city!" Mum said with a smile.

"To the city." I concurred.