Chapter-20

Chapter 20

It's like when I first got back home all over again. I can't sleep, and when I do manage to, I'm awoken from a nightmare. I wonder if Peeta's having the same problems I'm having. But I can't think of Peeta, because I did this to us, not him. All he wanted to do was love me, and I turned him away.

After five days go by, Prim and my mother started to worry about me. I tried telling them I was fine, and that I'd sleep on the couch to hopefully stop them from waking up, but they denied I was a nuisance.

It's early, maybe 8 o' clock when I hear a knock on the door. I'm praying it isn't Peeta. If I saw him, I'd crumble. I'd beg him for his forgiveness, and I can't do that to him. It'll only hurt him in the future. It's better to get it over with now.

I answer the door, and am not surprised when Haymitch walks in without asking if it were alright. He plops down onto the couch, pulls out his flask filled with whatever toxic liquid he could find at the Hob, and takes a drink.

"So, what did you do to the kid?" he asks. I should have known he was here because of Peeta. "Kid looks like shit. He hasn't eaten anything, but boy has he been baking! Boy doesn't stop baking anything. He keeps making more and more, delivering it to the Hob, to me, to your 'cousin', to you, but he doesn't eat any of it. He looks worse than he did when he was dying in that cave before I sent him the medicine."

"I didn't do anything," I say defensively. I did do this to him, but it isn't any of Haymitch's business.

"Oh yeah? What happened then? What did he do?" he asks.

"Peeta didn't do anything either," I reply.

"So he just decided the day after the ceremony that he was going to starve himself? Or maybe he just wanted to set a world record for the longest amount of time without sleep? That must be it then," he says angrily.

"Are you here to yell at me? Just do it and leave already," I say angrily. I don't feel like dealing with Haymitch right now.

"No Sweetheart, I'm here to figure out why the kid hasn't slept or eaten. The Games may be over, but I'm still your mentor. And the way I see it, that kid's on his way towards the hell I'm in. He's gonna turn to a bottle, and find out that it's a lot nicer to be drunk than be sober and lonely! And I don't want to see that happen to him. He's better than every last one of us, and to see him going down the same road I did when my family was killed? It breaks my damn heart! And I don't like to admit this, but I care about you two!" he says.

"Well what do you want me to do?" I yell.

"Fix whatever you did!" he says as he walks out of the living room and slams the front door on the way out.

"He's right, you know," Prim says. "Follow me."

She leads me out of the back door, and points towards Peeta's house. He's outside too, sitting on the ground, staring off into space. Haymitch wasn't kidding, he looks horrible. He has something on his nose, but I can't tell what.

"He bakes all night, delivers the bread all morning to families that need it and will accept it, and comes back to sit there. He doesn't move until it's night time. I go over there every day and try to get him to eat, but he refuses every time. Claims he isn't hungry," she says.

"I didn't know," I whisper.

"The second day he went to the bakery, he was so tired, he burnt a loaf of bread. His mother hit him with the rolling pin and broke his nose. I fixed it for him, though. He said that his Mom fired him for being lazy. What happened, Katniss?" she asks.

"I realized I love him… But I can't love him, Prim, not after what happened to Mom when Dad died. I can't," I whisper.

"That's stupid. I'm sorry, but that's stupid, Katniss. If something were to happen to him, you'd still be hurting. All you're doing now is making him miserable, and making yourself miserable, over a 'what-if.' He loves you Katniss, and you love him. He only has me, you and Haymitch left in his life, and right now, you aren't there for him and Haymitch is too drunk most of the time. Let yourself love, Katniss. You'll be full of regrets if you don't, and he obviously makes you happy."

"Yeah, he does," I say quietly.

"So go over there. He needs you as much as you need him," Prim says.

I decide that Prim's right. It'd be better to love him while I have the chance, than regret not loving him later. I get up and walk over to his backyard.

"Hey," I say quietly when I reach him.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you were out here too," he says as he gets up. "I'll get out of your hair." He starts towards his back door, but I grab his arm.

"It's fine, Peeta. I just wanted to apologize for last week. Can we um, go inside?" I ask. I don't want Prim eavesdropping, I'd never hear the end of it.

He leads me inside of his house, and the first thing I notice is all of the bags of flour and bags of bread. Haymitch wasn't kidding when he said Peeta hasn't stopped baking.

"I haven't been sleeping either," I say after a couple minutes go by.

"I'm sorry," he says sincerely but sadly. The awkwardness of this whole conversation is annoying me.

"I stopped talking to you because I'm scared. I never wanted to fall in love, and yet here you are, making me feel all of these weird feelings, and I'm just scared. So I figured, the faster you got over me, the faster you could find a girl that can love you the way you deserve to be loved," I say quietly. He thinks about it for a minute before responding.

"You don't seem to get it, do you? I could never get over you. And I don't want another girl to love me the 'way I deserve to be loved.' My father was contracted to marry my mother. He loves her, but he's not in love with her. I could never do that to anyone. I couldn't marry someone that I wasn't in love with," he says back.

"I know, but I don't want marriage. Marriage leads to kids. Kids lead to the reapings. And the child of a Victor? Almost guaranteed to be selected. Two Victors? That is a guarantee, Peeta," I say.

"I don't want kids either, Katniss. Not while there's a reaping. But someday, maybe if there were no more Games, I'd do it," he says.

"There will always be the Games," I reply.

"Maybe, maybe not. Who knows? But what does this have to do with marriage anyway? You don't need to have kids if you get married," he says.

"I don't know, I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm sorry, alright? I'm scared of falling in love after what my mother went through because of it. I'm scared of something happening to you, because something always happens to the ones I love. I'm scared of it all," I say quietly. I hate sounding vulnerable, I hate sounding weak.

"I'm scared too," he says back. I stare at him for a minute. He's the one that wants marriage, wants love, wants a future. I just want to survive. Why is he scared?

"Of what?" I say, confused.

"Like you said, everything. I'm scared for Gale, Delly and my family. They won't hurt Prim, not with all of the attention she's gotten, but everyone else is expendable in Snow's eyes. I'm scared for you. I'm scared that you'll have to live an act all your life over something I did. Snow's eventually going to make us get married. Hell, he'll probably make us have kids. And I know you don't want any of that, and all I've done so far is force this possibility on you. And I guess I'm scared for myself too, in a way. I'm scared I'll turn into Haymitch, Katniss. Alone and miserable, my only friend being the end of a bottle," he says.

"You won't be alone and miserable Peeta," I say. "Any girl in the District would marry you now."

"You don't get it. They have listening devices everywhere. They have cameras everywhere. They know what we're doing, who we're talking to. Hell, the only way to talk freely in our own homes is by turning on all the faucets in a bathroom, or talking in the kitchen. It's normally a place for servants, and them being Avox's, what's there to listen to? But I wouldn't be able to be with another girl even if I wanted to," he says. "You can though. You have the woods, and deep enough in, I bet they don't have anything there. Only along the fence line."

So basically, he's scared of being what he is right now. Alone. And what have I done? Forced him to be alone. I just stopped talking to him for five days, making him come home and sit in his backyard staring off into space. All because I'm too scared to love him.

"I'm sorry Peeta," I whisper.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm sure that's half of your fear too. Being forced to marry someone you don't love for the sake of your family," he says sadly. The pain in his eyes is heartbreaking.

"I do love you, Peeta. I just… I just don't know if I can go through what my mother did. If something happened to you," I whisper. He pulls me into a hug which sends heat all throughout my body. I've missed this so much it hurts.

"Nothing will happen to me, alright? No matter what happens, I'll always find my way back to you, I promise. Do you trust me Katniss?" he asks.

"Of course Peeta, but you can't pr-" I say before he cuts me off.

"No, I can and I will. I promise you Katniss, I'll always find my way back to you, no matter what happens. I'll never leave you, got it?"

The way he says it so convincingly makes me believe him, so I nod into his chest. I never want to let go again, not after what I did to him. I'm scared I'll let go and he'll just disappear.

"Do you want something to eat?" he asks. I just shake my head, still not letting go. I just want to stay here and settle in the warmth of his body forever.

After five minutes of us holding one another, I let go when there is a knock on the door. He goes to see who it is, and I follow behind. It's Rye at the door, looking at me. We lead him to the living room.

"Oh, so you finally decided to make up?" he asks.

"What do you mean?" Peeta asks.

"Well, the past five days you've been moping around, looking like a dead person. And today, here I am checking on you, when it seems Little Squirrel over there has already came to check on you," he says with a wink in my direction. "And now you look like a whole new person! You don't even look like one of the morphlings from District 6 anymore."

"Little Squirrel?" I ask. I'm confused on where that nickname came from.

"Well, you climb trees like a squirrel, and you traded your squirrels to the bakery before the Games," Rye says. "So I nicknamed you Little Squirrel. If you want to hear my nickname for Peeta, I'd gladly tell you."

"Peeta has a nickname? You have to tell me this," I say with a laugh.

"We call him Sweet Cheeks," he says. "Any time you came to the bakery to trade, his cheeks got so red he couldn't look at any of us until you left. But I like Lover Boy better. The Careers gave him that one. Even your old boyfriend's nickname for him is good. Bread Boy," he says with a laugh. "I hate Gale, but Bread Boy is kind of funny. I still like Lover Boy better though."

"You talked to Gale?" I ask. Gale hates merchants, so I find this odd.

"Well yeah, during the mandatory viewing at the Town Square on Sunday. I couldn't stop laughing when you guys made out in the cave. You should have seen Gale's face! He looked so angry! I don't think your boyfriend appreciates your tongue in Peeta's mouth," he says while laughing.

"Gale isn't my boyfriend, and he never will be. He's like my brother," I say angrily. "And my tongue wasn't in Peeta's mouth!"

"I don't know Little Squirrel, you were getting into it. Even Gale thought so. He said, 'he doesn't deserve to kiss her like that!'" Rye says while laughing even harder. "I think your boyfriend was jealous!"

"Stop saying he's my boyfriend!" I yell angrily. This only gets him laughing harder.

"Who is then?" He says with his hands on his knees, trying to stop laughing.

"I, I don-" I say before Rye cuts me off.

"Oh my God! We should call her Sweet Cheeks, look at her!" he says. There are tears in his eyes from laughing.

"Shut up!" I yell back.

"Not until you admit that you like Peeta. I saw the way you looked at him, it's the same way he looked at you for the past ten years," he says, still laughing.

"Rye," Peeta says, trying not to laugh too.

What do I have to lose? Just admit it Katniss, admit you like him.

"Fine, I like Peeta," I say. "Are you happy now?" I yell at him.

"Aww," Rye says sarcastically. "Now kiss already," he says, laughing some more.

"Will you shut up!" I say as I drag him out of the house and slam the door in his face. I can hear him laughing even harder now.

"You like me, huh?" Peeta says grinning and wiggling his eyebrows as I walk back into the living room.

"I, um, I-" I say before he cuts me off.

"It's alright to feel something Katniss," he says with a laugh.

This is my chance to let him know exactly how I feel. I've hurt him enough with my selfishness and lies, it's time to be honest for once. He deserves it.

"Um, yes I do like you. I don't know what to do or anything, but I do like you Peeta," I say nervously.

There, I told him. If he wants to reject me after all I put him through, I'd understand, but I really hope he didn't move on that fast.

The grin on his face widens into the brightest smile I've ever seen him wear. "Are you being serious?" He asks nervously, but never losing that smile.

"Yes I'm serious," I say with my own small smile. Those are the only words he needs because the second they're out of my mouth, I'm in the air being twirled around, giggling like one of those girls from school that flirt with any guy they see.

When he puts me down to go to the kitchen, I can't help but stare at his back muscles. I decide to follow him into the kitchen to see what he's doing.

"I'm going to bake some bread if you want to help," he says. He knows I can't bake, but he still offers every time. "I still need to make a couple deliveries today."

"I'll help," I say, getting a confused look from Peeta. I've never helped him bake since we were in the Tribute Center. He still gives me a smile though, and gets me some of my own dough.

I start off strong, doing everything how it should be done, but I get a little distracted after two minutes. Everytime Peeta kneads the dough, his arms flex. I don't think anyone can blame me for getting distracted.

"I don't think the bread will get baked if you keep staring at my arms," Peeta says jokingly. I can tell I'm blushing furiously, because my cheeks are on fire right now. "Maybe we should call you Sweet Cheeks."

This gets us both laughing, because only one person could make that sound funny, and it's Peeta. I get back to kneading my dough, still stealing glances at him. He just chuckles and shakes his head.

Once we put the bread in the oven to bake, we head over to the living room. It's gotten chillier out, so Peeta grabs a blanket for me. We sit on the couch watching the Capitol news, a luxury I nor Peeta were afforded before becoming Victors.

"District 11 uprisings are being handled by law enforcement. Peacekeepers are keeping the streets of District 11 safe. Shortages of crops from District 11 as a result of the uprisings. The rebels burnt a couple of the fields of crops. More coverage on District 11 later."

"It's because of Rue. It's because we teamed up with her and the Gamemakers killed her instead of a tribute," Peeta says.

"Sources say President Snow is handling these small uprisings around Panem by transporting more peacekeepers to these Districts."

"Sounds like these uprisings are happening all over, not just in District 11, right?" Peeta asks. I nod. "Want to go talk to Haymitch about this?"

"Yes, I haven't seen him in a while anyway. Maybe he'll want some bread," I say as we grab the loaves from the oven. I decide that I'll give him mine so Peeta and I can eat his, since his will be better.

We walk to Haymitch's and bang on his door before letting ourselves in. Odds are he's asleep at the kitchen table anyway.

"I'll wake him up," Peeta says. He gently shakes Haymitch, which is making me nervous because he's far too close for my liking. Haymitch is fast, and sleeps with a knife.

After another three tries, Haymitch finally gets up, slashing his knife around like a mad man. He gets Peeta in the arm, not deep enough for him to bleed out but deep enough that he might need stitches.

"What the hell kid? I was sleeping!" Haymitch yells.

"Obviously, or else I wouldn't have had to wake you up. Eat," Peeta replies, sliding my bread towards him on a plate. Haymitch takes a couple bites.

"This is gross," Haymitch says. Peeta laughs when he sees me glaring at Haymitch.

"Shut up Haymitch, not everyone's a baker," I say angrily.

"Woah, you made this Sweetheart?" Haymitch says.

"Yeah, with Peeta's help," I reply.

"She needs a little bit more help," he says to Peeta as he wraps his arm with a towel. "This tastes horrible."

"It can't be that bad," Peeta says as he rips himself a piece off Haymitch's plate. "It's pretty good actually."

"So, you took my advice Sweetheart?" Haymitch says. "You guys finally back together?"

"Um," I say as I look at Peeta. The look in his eyes tell me it's my call, so I make the decision for us. "Yeah, I guess you could say that," I say with a smile. Peeta now has this big goofy smile on his face, which Haymitch definitely notices.

"Congrats then," Haymitch says before he walks out of the door, and towards Peeta's. When we get inside, Haymitch is searching all of the rooms. "Come on Peeta, I know you have some. Ripper's out of liquor til tomorrow, and I know you keep a stash. Where do you hide it?"

Peeta leads Haymitch outside, tells him to stay where he is, and closes the door before locking it.

"Can't have him knowing where I keep it," he explains.

He leads us down to the basement, and moves a bookshelf to the right a couple feet before revealing an opening in the bricks.

"The bricks were loose already, so I just removed them. I moved the bookshelf over from that wall so if he came down here, he wouldn't find it," he tells me.

He hands me two bottles and moves the bookshelf back in place before unlocking the front door to bring Haymitch in.

"I don't know what I'd do without ya, kid," Haymitch says as he reaches for the bottles I have. "I'll let you two get back to your intense make out session," he says with a wink as he leaves.

"Intense make out session?" Peeta says as he wiggles his eyebrows. It amazes me how easily Peeta can make your mood better.

"We didn't talk to him about the uprisings," I say to steer the conversation. It's not that I don't want to kiss Peeta, I actually really want to, but I don't want him to feel like I'm doing it because he wants me to. I want him to know that I want it too.

We run outside to catch Haymitch before he goes back inside. "Haymitch, wait," Peeta says. "We were watching the news, and there was something about uprisings in District 11. Crops being burned, and more peacekeepers being sent there. Know anything?"

"Nah, sorry kid, I haven't heard anything about uprisings," Haymitch responds.

Peeta stares at him for a minute or two before answering. "I know you're lying," Peeta says. "What do you know?"

"Fine," Haymitch says angrily. "Yeah, there's uprisings in a couple Districts, but they're pointless. Without all of the Districts rebelling at once, it's for nothing. District 1 and 2 aren't going to rebel anytime soon, they're the ones that benefit the most other than the Capitol. So it's pointless," Haymitch says as he walks off.

"Think he's right?" I ask Peeta.

"I think he knows more than he's letting up," Peeta replies.

"Want to come over for dinner?" I ask. "Prim will be excited."

"Yeah, I'd love to," he answers politely. "Let me go grab some things first." He says as he goes back inside his house.

I go back to my own for a quick shower. I didn't go hunting today, but I'd still like to smell nice for Peeta. He told me once that I smell like lavender, and that he liked it, so I made sure one of the shower settings in the bathroom was a lavender-smelling shampoo.

When I go back downstairs, Peeta's already talking to Prim. I roll my eyes, knowing she's begging Peeta to tell her what I said to him. I wonder if Peeta's already told her.

"I brought cookies and some bread, and a few cheese buns too," he says once I sit down.

"Thank you," I say as I grab his hand under the table.

We invite Haymitch over for dinner almost every night, but as always, he replies with, "I'm on a liquid diet, maybe next time Sweetheart," as he points to his flask.

Dinner is uneventful, but it is nice to have Peeta back. I never realized how much he keeps the conversation flowing at the table until he wasn't there. It makes me grateful that Peeta's forgiven me so easily for what I did to him.

That night, laying with Peeta under me, I decide that I'm done hiding from my emotions. So with all of the courage I can muster, I pull myself up so that my nose is touching his, and gently press my lips to his.

The warm, fuzzy feeling shoots through me the second my lips are on his. When he puts his hand behind my head, I take this as a sign that he likes it, and deepen the kiss. The little grumble that comes from his mouth makes me smile.

I have no clue what I'm doing, to be honest, but when I run my fingers through is hair and hear that sound again, I know I'm doing something right.

He pulls away from the kiss to ask if he can take my braid out. I let him, not really caring how my hair is as long as he keeps kissing me. He runs his hand through my hair, the other resting on the small of my back. It doesn't move any lower, with Peeta being a gentleman like always.

When we finally break away to catch our breath, Peeta peppers my face with kisses. I want his lips on mine again, to taste his minty mouth from brushing his teeth, to feel the heat in my belly again. But I don't push it, because we have many more nights like this one to do those things. I fall asleep with a content smile on my face, not having one nightmare.

A/N: Peeta and Katniss are "together" now! I love writing Prim because in some ways, I feel like she's more mature than Katniss is. I love Haymitch too, he's just such a cool character to write. I'm trying to keep the characters close to how Suzanne Collins wrote them, so let me know if they're written well or not.

I'll probably skip some time ahead in the next chapter or two to get things moving along. I hope you're all enjoying the story! Review please! Have a great week!!