Chp.40: Let's go build our future
Haku's eyes had become extremely deep. They looked like two blue wells, which, however, didn't drag those who fell into them to the bottom, but on the contrary, they sprinkled a strange light from inside, a warm light. His siblings recognized it, and none of them could help smiling; the lips quirked involuntarily, because they knew what was that look.
It was the look Haku had when he devised the plan to survive when they were still in their mother's territory. It was the look he had when they made ogres and fairies fight. It was the look he had when he thought about how to defeat their father. It was the look he had when he declared that they would survive, all of them, and that they would make a home for themselves. It was the look of a dragon who didn't want to bend to fate, who had a goal and who wanted to achieve it, regardless of adversity and obstacles. It was the look of a dragon that wanted to follow a dream.
His siblings hadn't seen that look in over a year and a half, since that awful fight they'd split over. But now, it was there again. It was as if seeing some sort of twisted alter ego of his awakened something in Haku. As if he had unlocked a mechanism that had remained dormant for too long, and which now claimed to shine brighter than ever. "I thought I wanted to build something new for you. Which was to create a new territory, a new country, or even a new world for you. But I was wrong. I had to do it for US" Haku said. "Because you are my happiness. If I make you happy, I make myself happy too. For that, I have to do it. I have to get all these beastmen to Thul Oasis and make sure everything goes well, so I can continue to see yours." I smiled and so may I smile too. That was the goal from the beginning, only I was too blind to understand it. It was never about finding a way to survive. It was finding a way to live. That was what I wanted from first moment I chose to give food to those who didn't get it from our mother, or to hunt with Darbi, or maybe even from before. Find a place where we can savor life, where we don't need to hide. A place where I can see you live, and therefore I can live too"
The meeting with Carrion had been much more beneficial than he had ever imagined. It had been like looking in the mirror, coming face to face with a part of himself. For the first time in his life, Haku had found an even greater affinity with someone than he had with his brothers; not because of blood or affection, but because of the parallelism of their lives. He'd seen what Carrion had become and didn't like it, and he'd realized that this was what he would become if he lost the one thing that made his life worth living. For that was what Carrion was: someone who had lost everything, who had nothing to live for but his deepest sympathy. That was probably why he had transformed his hatred into a religious obsession, because in this way he had the illusion of loving someone, even if she was a goddess and therefore one could only speak of a reverence, a relationship between master and servant. That was what Haku would become if he lost his family, and he didn't want that. But in that moment, he realized something much more: he didn't just want to not lose his family, he wanted to make that family happy. He wanted his siblings to be able to genuinely look at him and smile at him, and not have to feel fear at all. He had deluded himself for too long that escaping would be the solution, and now it was clear to him that it was a lie… therefore, he was going to create something new.
Before, he was helping Zamor because he wanted to please his siblings. He wanted to give them something. But he didn't believe it, he was sure theirs was a ridiculous fantasy, and he almost hoped that everything would fail so that they could return to focusing on avoiding danger and surviving in this unforgiving world. But now he realized how stupid he had been. He wanted his family to live, not just survive. He wanted none of them to risk becoming like Carrion. He wanted to give them many things to live for, so that none of them risked falling into an abyss of hatred and cruelty. That accursed world was a prison, a cage from which it was impossible to escape; but Haku was tired of obeying the jailer's laws. If the world was a prison, then he would find a way to melt the bars and break down the walls, and reshape it all to build a house. A home where his siblings would smile, and he could smile in turn.
"I can't change" he said. "I'm not good with emotions. I don't know how to interact with the newcomers, I don't know how to make friends. I fail to understand why it is so important for you to talk to them, help them, live alongside them, share meals with them or even put your life on the line for them. I don't know the pleasure in sharing booze with an adventurer, or playing cards with beastmen, or studying magic with a mage. I don't understand this things, and I doubt that I will ever do it. I have no hope for me. But I have YOU, and that's all I need"
He noticed that many of his sisters were teary-eyed, especially Kotaru, who looked moved and proud at the same time. And judging by the expression on one of the severed heads, he was pretty sure Darbi was crying. The head representing Rhaegal's avatar also had a strange expression, which Haku couldn't decipher though. "Therefore, I will do it. I will build something new, something that has never been seen. I will build a whole new world if I have to" he said in a determined voice. "Does my logic say it's impossible? Well, fuck you. I'm tired of relying on logic, and I've been proven wrong too many times already. I want to believe that all of this is possible, and if the odds are against me, I don't care. I believe it, because the alternative is unacceptable. We will go to the Thul Oasis and there we will create a new community, where you can live next to the newcomers, have new experiences, interact with them, talk to them, and above all be happy. And if we fail, then we will try again. One, two, three times, even a thousand times if necessary. Attempt after attempt, error after error, lesson after lesson, and in the end we will triumph. We are a herd of dragons, no, we are a family of dragons. We can do everything if we believe in it. Therefore, I believe in it. My instinct, my logic, everything, doesn't interest me. This is my will, and nothing is stronger than it"
"We know" Kotaru said in an excited voice. "You can do anything if you really want to"
"No, Kotaru. WE can do anything" Haku replied. "Coming face to face with Carrion made me realize what I want to do. I want to become someone you can really trust, someone who can never become like Carrion. And for that, I need to continuously take my medicine, which it's your happiness. This is my choice: I'll never be like Carrion. I'll never become that twisted, worse version of me. I'll build something new and fix everything I've broken. I..."
He couldn't say any more, as a huge mass weighing nearly ten tons leapt at him, followed by another and then another, until Haku found himself crushed from every direction. But that didn't displease him; on his face there was a surprised, but at the same time happy expression. The hug her siblings were giving him warmed his heart, as if it were the sun beating down on snow. "It's good to have you back" Finiar whispered to him.
"And it's good to see you're growing up" Maldor added with an affectionate snort.
Haku wasn't understanding. He was confused and delighted at the same time. "I don't think I comprehend what you mean" he said. "And what I said before didn't mean that I wanted a hug..."
"Oh, shut up, you stupid grouch! Just enjoy it and don't complain!" Sisna scolded him by throwing a small blow on his head, more like a pat than an actual punch.
Haku was confused, but said nothing and did as he was told. Even if he wasn't exactly a lover of hugs, there were moments in his life when he didn't mind having one, and that was one of them. He didn't know why, but for some reason he was really glad to have received such warm and strong physical contact. But after all, he had long since accepted the fact that sometimes his emotions acted beyond his control and understanding.
"We know you'll never become like Carrion" Kotaru said looking into his eyes. "Because your will is unbreakable. When you really set your mind on something, you make it happen. You'll never be like him, not because of us, but because you chose not to be". She rubbed her horns against his, as they used to do when they exchanged loving gestures. "You said earlier that you looked into the abyss and we pulled you out. That's not true, Haku. No one can pull another out of the abyss, they can only reach out and incite him to grab it. Save himself from the abyss, that can just be the person who's falling into it. It's you who, unlike Carrion, stuck firmly to the rock instead of letting yourself fall and climbed up, handhold after handhold, until you reached the top again. because we were up there cheering you on, or for whatever reason, it doesn't matter. You saved yourself, and I have no doubt you will in the future too. You will never let yourself fall like Carrion did. You will not become never like him. This is a certainty"
Haku was quite surprised by those words. "You... how can you say that with such certainty?" he asked.
Kotaru smiled at him. "Because that's what I believe" she answered. "That's what all of us believe"
Haku looked at his other sisters. All of them were smiling at him and staring at him with trusting eyes. Even the severed heads representing the avatars of Darbi and Rhaegal, which Maleficent and Keita were holding to allow them to join the embrace, had a solemn expression on their faces as they looked at him. Kotaru hadn't talked nonsense: they all truly believed in those words. All of them believed in him.
Seeing that scene, Haku was finally able to smile back, and the light that had been extinguished for a long time and had only recently begun to shine again exploded like a sun inside his eyes, and it almost seemed to emanate its own heat and light, as if it were a star fallen from the sky and trapped in the blue irises and young dragon. His heart started pounding as Haku experienced a strange mix of emotions he couldn't describe, extremely chaotic and messy yet beautiful and poignant at the same time. A mysterious force seemed to spread through her blood, as if it were transforming into pure energy.
For the first time in a long time he felt sure of his choices, and there was no doubt in his heart. He knew he still had many things to fix, starting with his relationship with Rhaegal, but now he was certain that he would succeed. He believed that he could do it and that was enough, regardless of any calculations and logical thinking. In a way he had Carrion to thank: by a strange twist of fate he had met the worst part of himself and had confronted it, and thanks to this he had understood that he wanted to reject it. He understood that he wanted to dream again, he wanted to believe in the future again, even if he had long since lost the ability to have hope for himself.
His head turned to the north. "Let's go build our future" he said looking towards what he knew was the desert and, further on, what would be their future home. All of his siblings emitted a strange cry in response that, if Haku had spent more time among the newcomers, he would have been able to understand that it was a cry of joy.