Chp.39: Distorted image
Haku knew that when Carrion had finished his story and he had compared himself to the man Kotaru and Finiar were already close enough to hear his every word. At that moment he hadn't thought about it, too caught up in the moment, moved by feelings quite alien to him, by that strange sense of familiarity with his adversary's story; not even he could explain what it was, it was like a kind of bond, something that living creatures felt when they were in the presence of members of their own species, with the difference that in this case it was not about species but about personalities.
Perhaps, if he had been more lucid, Haku wouldn't have said those things aloud, or at least not in the presence of one or more members of his family. Or maybe he would have done it anyway; something inside him told him that he had actually been fully aware of the situation, and that he wanted his sisters to hear it, to know how he really felt. He didn't know actually. Looking back on that moment, it felt almost like a dream, and the emotions he'd felt were strange and confusing, almost foreign. Haku hated to not being able to understand what was happening inside his mind: he was a pragmatist, a person extremely dedicated to order, and he deeply hated that his own thoughts escaped his control. But unfortunately he couldn't do anything about it. He could only accept this characteristic and try to control it as best as possible, or at least to mitigate the damage it could cause.
In any case, the damage was already done. Haku knew that it would have been useless to pretend that he said those things just to prolong the conversation and distract Carrion as much as possible: none of his sisters would buy it. Even if they weren't as good at spotting deception as he was, they'd still spent their entire lives by his side and noticed those signs that he was telling a lie. Or maybe it was simple instinct, an intuition ancestral and written in their blood, which allowed them to warn when Haku wasn't sincere. It didn't matter; what mattered and that now he had to confront them, that surely they would not have pretended that they hadn't seen and heard nothing. It would have been too easy.
And so now he was there, face to face with Kotaru, his sister who most of all had been by his side in difficult moments and who had always tried to support him in matters concerning his unclear mind. She was the sibling he had the best relationship with; perhaps only Darbi was closer to him than she was. She was the one who most of all worried about Haku's mental health, and who tried to push him towards a path that would not cause further friction with the rest of the family. And even if she had failed the first time, after that horrible experience Haku had learned to listen to her a little more... even if he had still remained as stubborn and arrogant as ever.
For once, therefore, Haku had decided to speak directly on the matter. Normally Kotaru would try to have a conversation with him first (as much as it could be called a conversation, as normally she would talk and he could barely get out a few words before being stopped by her wanting to continue talking on her own, almost like if his intent was to give a monologue. Haku had noticed that it seemed to be a characteristic of female dragons to say 'I want to talk' and then expect that they would be the only ones that speak and that everyone else would just listen them), and only later would he introduce the topic that really mattered to her. That day, however, Haku didn't want to play that trick, and maybe he too for once wanted to talk about that issue, so he skipped all the premabbles and asked her to go directly to the point. "Yes, that's what I want to talk about" his sister finally admitted.
Haku let out a snort between annoyed and resigned. "Didn't Finiar come with you? Or someone else? I know you wouldn't tell anyone before discussing it with me, but our sister isn't exactly discreet". In fact, Finiar was known to be quite gossipy, so hardly those words she said in front of Carrion would remain between him, her, Kotaru and that man. It was more likely that the whole family already knew everything.
A voice was suddenly heard. "Hey! I can keep a secret!"
Kotaru slapped her face and there was a distinct jolt, as if someone realized they'd said something they shouldn't have said. "Um... was it the wind? I mean, I'm the wind... and I'm talking" the voice tried to justify itself.
Haku shook his head. "Finiar, I know you're there. Turn off that invisibility rune. And all of you who came with her, too"
There was a moment of silence, then Finiar deactivated his invisibility and appeared beside Kotaru, followed by all of their sisters. Apparently all the family had gathered there, except for Darbi and Rhaegal who for obvious reasons weren't present, but Haku could clearly see that Corgorin and Serengal were holding a severed head which was almost certainly being used as an avatar by their two brothers to follow the conversation. "How did you know we were here?" Finiar asked, not understanding how Haku had discovered them since they had taken care not to leave the slightest visual, olfactory and auditory trace.
"I didn't know. I just know you and I know you can rarely keep your mouth shut. It was impossible I hadn't already told the rest of the family. And therefore it was unlikely that any of them would have wanted to come here and talk to me. So I tried to guess and I guessed right" Haku answered. "Now I try again: you sent Kotaru to scout because you thought that I would open up a little more with her, so when you introduced yourself it would be easier to talk to me"
He didn't need an answer: the faces of his siblings were enough to confirm that he was right. "Sorry" Sisna tried to say. "We didn't want to deceive you, we just wanted..."
"Don't worry, I'm not angry" Haku replied surprising everyone. "Actually, I'm glad you're all here, so I can dispel any doubts right away"
His siblings were clearly dumbfounded: Haku valued his privacy a lot, so it was strange that he wasn't irritated that they had sneaked up on him. But maybe there was a reason behind his unusual behavior. "To begin with, I want to make one thing clear: I don't think I'm like Carrion" Haku started.
Kotaru sighed. Evidently he thought his brother was denying the truth. "Haku, we hea..."
"I know you heard me. Please, let me finish. What I mean is that Carrion is not me... it's another version of me" Haku said. "Imagine it is… well, like looking in a mirror and seeing a distorted image of your face. Like the mirror is faulty, or broken. That's what I felt when I looked at Carrion. He and I have a lot in common, so much so that we could consider ourselves mirror images of each other... but those mirrors are broken and defective, and reflect very different images from each other"
His siblings were clearly intrigued, but they didn't seem to understand what he meant. Haku tried to explain himself better: "It is practically impossible not to find parallels between Carrion and me. He is consumed by an extremely deep hatred and anger, rooted in his soul as if they were claws dug deep into his flesh. I would be lying if I said that I have never felt such emotions. Carrion killed his parents, and he hated them for what they had done to him, for the childhood they had stolen from him, for all their cruelty and injustice, just as I killed our father and our mother for what they had done to us. When Carrion killed his father he felt almost nothing, since he didn't even know him, except that small satisfaction of revenge for abandoning him, just as I felt nothing when I killed our father but the sense of triumph for defeating him. When he killed his mother, instead, Carrion felt extreme pleasure, just like me who finally got my revenge for the fact that she had never wanted or loved us and that she had never hesitated to starve us, kick us out of her territory, or even strike us. Carrion hates all the lizardmen because they let his parents make his life miserable and did nothing to help him, just like I hate the rest of the dragons of this world because instead of acting they pass their existence to hide and allow this brutal and insensitive lifestyle to continue, instead of trying to change and fight for more than just survival. I am proud of my identity as a dragon, but I hate knowing how other dragons behave. And lastly Carrion hates all beastmen, because they allowed the wrong lizardmen society to exist instead of stepping in to change it and try to build something different, just like I hate this whole world, which is like a prison that forces us to follow certain rules and that makes our lives so misery. These are just some of the similarities that exist between me and Carrion. But then, there is a big difference. A difference that has allowed us to forge two completely different paths"
"Are you talking about us?" Kotaru asked suddenly, remembering what she had heard him say.
Haku nodded. "Carrion is me… if you had truly abandoned me that day. Or if you had died at the claws of our parents. Or if you will die in the future. Carrion is what I would become if I didn't have you: a being consumed by hate and vengeance, that just wanted to punish all those who had wronged him, whether or not that was true. I almost certainly wouldn't have appeal to a god to convince myself that what I was doing was right, but I probably would have made a very similar thing using my logic. I would use my logic, the most powerful weapon in my arsenal, to justify my actions, however twisted and distorted. This is what I would become... what your existence prevents me from becoming"
His siblings were looking at each other with very confused eyes, compassionate, understanding and, at times, perhaps even a little flattered by that compliment. "Haku, you mustn't say that" Malchia told him. "Even if we disappear too, you..."
"I wouldn't be able to go on. To say otherwise would be a lie, sister" Haku immediately stopped her. "You are my spark in the dark, the handhold I can hold on to keep from falling off the mountain. Both Carrion and I have looked into the abyss, seen its terrifying depths, and felt that, somehow, even the abyss was watching us and with words sweet and at the same time cruel it was trying to drag us towards it. And neither I nor Carrion had the strength to oppose the abyss. But while Carrion had no one to help him, I had you , that you rushed to the edge of the abyss and grabbed me before I plunged into its eternally dark bottom. Throughout his life, Carrion never had anyone, not even a friend, who could support him. He had no one he wished to make happy, because that person's happiness would give him happiness too. With no one to make happy, the only thing left was his anger, his hatred, his desire for revenge and revenge. He transformed his desire into a strange fanaticism, and always found justification for all his actions. But not me. I had you. I have you, I have people I want to make happy, because if you are happy then I am happy too. And this happiness constantly keeps at bay the darkness that threatens to devour me and that I alone would not be able to control. Thanks to you I became aware of my mistakes and now I'm trying to improve myself, even if I suck at this job. Thanks to you, I realized that I couldn't justify all my actions by saying they were necessary for the greater good, to survive. I've stopped using my logic to hide the grudge I harbor towards this world. I don't need to hide, because as long as you're around, I know those feelings will never get the best of me. The more I see you smiling, playing, laughing and joking, the more my heart is filled with joy and my hatred is mitigated. The darkness in my heart shrinks to a speck every time it has to deal with the light that you carry. That's the big difference between me and Carrion... I have you"
His siblings kept listening to him, and this time none of them seemed to want to contradict him. It was the first time they'd heard Haku be completely honest about how he felt. Perhaps, having met a person so similar to him and at the same time so different, he had become more aware of his feelings, and had finally stopped hiding them even from himself.
Haku also felt the same way. "Talking with Carrion was… very therapeutic. I think coming face to face with a reflection of myself, a distorted version of myself, was what I needed to understand a lot of things" he said, and his gaze suddenly became determined. "Now I know what I want to do"