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FORBIDDEN LOVE- A PILE OF PAST MISTAKES.

Tác giả: stella2138
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  • 65 ch
    Nội dung
  • 4.4
    10 số lượng người đọc
  • NO.200+
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Tóm tắt

"Do you take this beautiful maiden before you as your lawfully wedded wife, the one you will cherish till you breathe your last? "asked the marriage official. "Yes, I..." The groom was unable to finish his reply when the whole place shook and a scary-looking woman appeared not far from the soon to wed couple. "I do not agree to this marriage," the lady said and then raised her hands to the roof and shot 4 beams of light. The whole place began to shake and guests ran away for their life. How did it come to this situation? Why is there an objection to this marriage? Find out in this interesting mystery thriller romance story that will keep you glued to your seat. --------- The cover isn't mine. All credits to the artist. Your votes, comments, and reviews are appreciated.

Thẻ
4 thẻ
Chapter 1FIRED

A lady of 18 years hurries into a restaurant-Melrose restaurant sweating lightly. It is about 6: 00 pm and there are no customers in the restaurant which was unusual.

Waiting for her on a seat was her boss Mr chuks. He clapped while smirking.

The young girl trembled at this sight. She knew she was done for.

"Brianna what's with you?" said the man in his fifties.

Brianna immediately knelt

"Boss I'm sorry. Forgive me just this once. I will never come late again" Brianna said close to tears. "How long will you keep saying that? I no longer need you. Please use the door." Mr. Chuks spoke coldly.

"Boss, please give me one more chance. I will never be late again. I promise! Please, sir, have mercy."Brianna cried but her boss only laughed coldly.

"You know Brianna you are surely funny. You want me to go bankrupt before you understand? What am I saying? Just go! I don't need you any longer.'' the man barked.

Brianna got up slowly and replied "Boss I... I understand... I do. I promise that I won't ever appear before you again.'' she then removed her badge and placed it gently on the table.

"There! Boss, I'm leaving. Goodbye"she said in a low voice and walked out of the store never looking back.

Mr. chuks sighed and for once more he surveyed the shop with her eyes and gave off a bitter smile.

"Girl, I am sorry but this is the best I can do for you. I cannot let you suffer for no reason. I hope you find a better job. I'm bankrupt and cannot even feed myself well. I hope you don't hate me." Mr. Chuks said as he got up from the seat after putting the badge in his pockets.

He then locked up the shop and walked away.

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XOMatsumaeohana
XOMatsumaeohanaLv15

Part of a review swap, (Chapter 23) Writing Quality: 2.6- I'm being quite generous, I hope you don't mind me saying so but the writing made my head hurt. Going to offer some suggestions. Chapter 4- "In your eyes, (space should be here) am I (I should be capitalized) When you start a new sentence, make sure you capitalize your letters. Again same chapter, "just ---> Just. The same goes for names, Amanda should be written with a capital A not lowercase. Chapter 5- Over capitalizing letters is actually not good in novel writing, if you want to express yelling or screaming you could write something like this... "Will you still stay or get out?" The man said angrily as he increased the volume in his tone. (Something like this works better than capitalizing everything Spaces, don't forget the spaces between speaking dialogue - otherwise it's hard for the readers to see who is speaking. In chapter 9 you forgot to write " " - should be like this--> "Big bro ride this faster?" ** <--- This is unecessary, you don't need this. Something like this works better, ---> "I forgot to tell you that---" Brothers words fell short when a fit of coughs escaped his lips. (I can offer you more advice for this on the forums if you want. Just tag me on your thread) Update: 5/5 Story Development: I find it hard to read but I think I understand the plot line. The pacing is okay, but the lack of detail makes it hard to understand what's going on. Maybe write more about the characters thoughts and emotions. Character Design and World Background: Like I mentioned detail is needed. Character thoughts, perhaps describing their surroundings more too. There's a lot of chapters but far too short, each scene ends abruptly before I fully understand what just happened. Overall: Despite this critical review. The author however does have a plot and idea, with a lot of editing and more writing practice. I believe this story has the potential to get better, if you want any advice or need help. Please just @ me on the forums, I'd be happy to assist. On a side note, the cover is really good. It's certainly going to attract readers.

PsyberRose
PsyberRoseLv12

The novel has potential. Writing Quality: I gave it a 3* because my eyes hurt. The grammar is adequate but Author has problems with typing with Caps lock on or is unable to have proper punctuations when the Caps are not used. If it doesn't bother you, then it's fine but for me, my brain just shuts down a bit when the whole chapter is all in caps or there are no capital letters at all. Also, I find the chapters to be too short. Extremely short. It's like reading one or two paragraphs with no real context before the next chapter. I would advice Author to have about 900 words at least? It would allow you to develop the characters more, and also not frustrate your readers who may be waiting for an update - only to get a paragraph or two without anything new. Stability of Updates: Too soon to tell but I gave it a 5* in good faith. Story Development: 4* - It's getting there. The slow romance is not a problem or how it develops is not a problem. I can't really comment on Character Design or World Background even though I've read until Chapter 38 before doing the review. I normally read about 10 - 20 chapters to get a feel. However, since the chapters here were really short, not much progress or insight to the characters could really be seen even at this point. Still, I gave it a 4* for the potential it has. It is best if you look through your chapters before posting it. Sometimes, re-reading what you wrote can give you more inspiration besides spotting mistakes. All the best, Author.

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