Item: FORBIDDEN LOVE- A PILE OF PAST MISTAKES.
Rating: 3
Author: XOMatsumaeohana

XOMatsumaeohanaLv155yr

2019-04-08 03:50

Part of a review swap, (Chapter 23) Writing Quality: 2.6- I'm being quite generous, I hope you don't mind me saying so but the writing made my head hurt. Going to offer some suggestions. Chapter 4- "In your eyes, (space should be here) am I (I should be capitalized) When you start a new sentence, make sure you capitalize your letters. Again same chapter, "just ---> Just. The same goes for names, Amanda should be written with a capital A not lowercase. Chapter 5- Over capitalizing letters is actually not good in novel writing, if you want to express yelling or screaming you could write something like this... "Will you still stay or get out?" The man said angrily as he increased the volume in his tone. (Something like this works better than capitalizing everything Spaces, don't forget the spaces between speaking dialogue - otherwise it's hard for the readers to see who is speaking. In chapter 9 you forgot to write " " - should be like this--> "Big bro ride this faster?" ** <--- This is unecessary, you don't need this. Something like this works better, ---> "I forgot to tell you that---" Brothers words fell short when a fit of coughs escaped his lips. (I can offer you more advice for this on the forums if you want. Just tag me on your thread) Update: 5/5 Story Development: I find it hard to read but I think I understand the plot line. The pacing is okay, but the lack of detail makes it hard to understand what's going on. Maybe write more about the characters thoughts and emotions. Character Design and World Background: Like I mentioned detail is needed. Character thoughts, perhaps describing their surroundings more too. There's a lot of chapters but far too short, each scene ends abruptly before I fully understand what just happened. Overall: Despite this critical review. The author however does have a plot and idea, with a lot of editing and more writing practice. I believe this story has the potential to get better, if you want any advice or need help. Please just @ me on the forums, I'd be happy to assist. On a side note, the cover is really good. It's certainly going to attract readers.

FORBIDDEN LOVE- A PILE OF PAST MISTAKES.

stella2138

4.4

65 Chs

Liked by 3 people

Replies4

stella2138Author

thanks for the review ill work on them.

5yr

May1stLv14

Someone is getting her a** kicked, am here, so await mine

stella2138:thanks for the review ill work on them.

5yr

GHD_Kashiko371Lv4

????

May1st:Someone is getting her a** kicked, am here, so await mine

5yr

May1stLv14

XD, she's a friend, I'm only teasing her haha.

GHD_Kashiko371:????

5yr

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I’m going to be honest and say I’m confident this story has potential, however... I would like to advise you to write longer chapters and take your time with them. It wouldn’t hurt to check your spelling and grammatical quality after you write something. I had often trouble reading your story due to these easily avoidable mistakes. As a reader, I get the impression - my sincere apologies if this isn’t the case - that you finish writing after ten minutes and post it without checking for style or mistakes. Don’t worry though, I enjoyed the overall storyline and the way it’s developing. Keep writing in order to improve and I’m sure you’ll have a lot of regular readers in no time. I understand the struggle of the pointers I’ve given, as I‘m new to writing myself. I hope you have a lot of fun working on your book, keep going!

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The novel has potential. Writing Quality: I gave it a 3* because my eyes hurt. The grammar is adequate but Author has problems with typing with Caps lock on or is unable to have proper punctuations when the Caps are not used. If it doesn't bother you, then it's fine but for me, my brain just shuts down a bit when the whole chapter is all in caps or there are no capital letters at all. Also, I find the chapters to be too short. Extremely short. It's like reading one or two paragraphs with no real context before the next chapter. I would advice Author to have about 900 words at least? It would allow you to develop the characters more, and also not frustrate your readers who may be waiting for an update - only to get a paragraph or two without anything new. Stability of Updates: Too soon to tell but I gave it a 5* in good faith. Story Development: 4* - It's getting there. The slow romance is not a problem or how it develops is not a problem. I can't really comment on Character Design or World Background even though I've read until Chapter 38 before doing the review. I normally read about 10 - 20 chapters to get a feel. However, since the chapters here were really short, not much progress or insight to the characters could really be seen even at this point. Still, I gave it a 4* for the potential it has. It is best if you look through your chapters before posting it. Sometimes, re-reading what you wrote can give you more inspiration besides spotting mistakes. All the best, Author.

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