Why Not Me?

I'm a bad woman.

I can't keep a secret to save my life.

Wednesday morning, while searching for a new job online at the next town over, I call Evangeline. I figure she better hear the news from me before anyone else finds out.

She quickly picks up the phone and I suddenly feel uneasy.

"You know Nick? I told him to call you, but he said you 'aint his type," I tell her.

"Not his type? I'm not his type," Evangeline says in shock.

"Yes. Read between the lines!"

"Oh my goodness," Evangeline says quietly. "You can really never tell these days."

"He was really open about it too! Things are really different in Manhattan I guess."

"Well, you win some you lose some I guess," Evangeline sighs. "He just better be careful."

I close my laptop and start to swivel around in my office chair, giddy to tell her more.

"Guess who he's into," I ask her. "You'll never believe it."

"I don't know! If I 'aint his type, I guess he's picky," she laughs.

So I tell her, and she gets real quiet. She's quiet for so long I check my phone to see if the call dropped and it didn't.

I stop swiveling in my chair.

Maybe I've hurt her feelings?

Evangeline gets latched onto men too quickly, after all. She told me she believes in "love at first sight".

Well Evangeline has had "love at first sight" ten times now, so I'm not much of a believer.

"I don't think he stands a chance," she finally says. "Not surprised though. Charlie's pretty handsome."

"EVANGELINE! Don't say it out loud," I tell her.

"Well, I mean it's true," she scoffs. "Charlies got nothing but eyes for you."

"He can't. He's never said anything. We've known each other since kindergarten. I'm starting to think that Nick's got a better chance with Charlie than me!"

I'm anxious.

I get out of the chair and start pacing, the old wooden floorboards creaking with every step. I know I'm being silly but lately I've been feeling insecure.

"Anne, listen to me. You gotta take a chance. Don't you want to at least know? If Nick's brave, why can't you be?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I can be brave."

"So go out to his place and tell him how you feel!"

"I can't. Grandma is feeling pretty sour today."

She's fine. I just need an excuse. I don't think I'm ready.

"Well, I can spend a few hours at your place until you get back. Don't worry about it," Evangeline says.

My heart sinks as I finally have to face the music. I gotta face my fears. I can't think of any good excuses anymore and Evangeline tells me she'll be over at my house in thirty minutes.

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When she arrives I get into my car and drive the speed limit for the first time in a long time, trying to slow down my trip to Charlie's place.

I'm wearing my white dress, a big wide-brimmed hat to block out the sun, and blue earrings when I arrive at Charlie's. I even put a bit of perfume on, trying to look nice but not look like I'm trying too hard. 

At his place, I saw a familiar car.

It's Nick's car.

"You have got to be kidding me," I say to myself quietly. "There is no way."

I park my car and get out to check if it's really Nick's car.

It definitely is with the cheesy bumper sticker that says, "Support Your Local Library!" in bold yellow. I panic and try to rationalize what's happening.

Maybe I misunderstood what Nick said last night. He never said he liked Charlie. I just assumed. He said he was attracted to the person on stage. I think long and hard about who else could have been on the stage.

"Harry? Is it Harry," I say to myself. "No way."

I text messaged Charlie that I was at his place and just wanted to say hi. He replies that he's a bit further down the road near the old barn they use for storage and that he'll meet me at the house in about twenty minutes.

I waited ten minutes and convinced myself to just meet him there.

I'm still nervous so I decided to walk to the barn while I think of what to say. It's not as humid as it usually is, and there's a light breeze. A field of white flowers is on the other side of the fence, edelweiss. They're all over town, like weeds, but I think they're charming.

When I finally get close to the barn the sun is setting. I walk to the left side of the old barn, trying to find the side entrance. It's darker than usual once I find my way inside and I try not to trip over anything.

In the dark, I can hear Nick and Charlie talking to each other.

"I don't know why you're like this Charlie," Nick says. "I've never done anything to you! I even came today because I felt guilty about the field."

"You're the one that did donuts in front of my house," Charlie asks.

"No. It was Annabelle. I was just there for the ride."

Charlie laughs and it echoes through the barn.

 I don't know why I'm spying on them at this point, because it's clear I was making up more romantic fantasies in my head again. Charlie was right. I really do read too many romance books.

"I don't know why you'd think I'd ever be cross with you," Charlie replies. "I could never."

"I feel like you are with the way you look at me. I've never seen someone look at me like that before."

"…really now," Charlie says softly. "I'm sorry. I just…I just don't know-"

He sighs and I hear some shuffling, and it's quiet for a few seconds.

"I don't know how anyone has never looked at you the way I have. It's a shame. I guess I'm lucky to be the first."

I hear some more movement, a bucket falling to the side, and it's suddenly quiet.

I try to tiptoe quietly to see what they're doing and peek through the gap of a bunch of boxes near the entrance. I can't get a good look, so I try to push a few of the boxes a little further apart while making sure they can't see me.

When I finally get a good view, I feel like I can't breathe. I think I'm drowning. I'm trying my hardest not to cry, and I'm hot all over, and my shoes were not made for walking. I try to leave the barn quietly, but I trip over a broom and my cover is blown.

"What was that," Nick shouts. "Who's there?"

I bolted to the back of the barn before either of them could see me. Once there I take off my shoes and carry them while I run back to my car. I feel like if I run fast enough, I can finally stop drowning but I don't.

In my car, I put the top up, lean my head onto the steering wheel and cry.