chapter 6

"You call it hope—that fire of fire!

It is but the agony of desire."

-Edgar Allan Poe,

"Tamerlane"

After Venessa and Carter had left the shop, it had been Carter who had suggested that they go drinking instead of home. He wanted to forget the pain, the happiness, the nervousness. The emotions.

As soon as they walked into the bar, a tall man collided with him making him stumble back. A tall man with pale hair and blue eyes…he stared up as rough hands caught him before he fell.

He felt plump lips kissing his own as thin arms circled him, pulling his against a bony chest. What the…? He wanted nothing more than to recoil away from his touch but Ryan was holding him too tightly.

Suddenly, much to Carter's satisfaction, Ryan was forcefully pulled away from him and pushed to the ground, his lip bleeding and a dark soon-to-be bruise on his cheek. He looked up and Jacob, rage on his usually gentle face.

Ryan got up and punched Jacob who didn't even batt an eyelash, much less flinch. His eyes just blazed brighter and he raised his hand to slap Ryan but Carter moved in between to take the blow, giving Ryan time to melt into the crowd.

He had seen the owner look over to where they were and had the vague idea that he had seen Jacob hitting Ryan and was about to get in trouble. The slap stung soo much that his eyes watered up; he was sure there was a bruise on his cheek but he shut the pain out like he had taught himself to.

He looked at Jacob and the most painful thing; he was obviously panicking because he had just slapped Carter, whimpering softly with his eyes open almost painfully wide.

Carter touched his hand and pulled him out of the bar behind him, in the hope that fresh air will help him calm down. One block later, he felt Jacob stop and pull him backwards, burying him into his rather comfortable chest.

He felt Jacob's body shake in his arms and whispered in a calm, soft tone, like one would talk to an injured or cornered animal, "Jacob, look at me. I'm fine. You are shaking…" Carter looked at him, not bothering to keep the fear out of his eyes.

Fear for him.

Fear of the pain he was causing Jacob.

He felt Jacob drop his head in a defeated way on his shoulder and sob. Sighing, Carter rubbed soft circles on his back. "Venessa does this for me when I start panicking…" he said, trying to distract Jacob, who flinched visibly at Ven's name.

Jacob stared into his eyes deeply, like he was looking into his soul, past his carefully built walls. Carter looked away and felt Jacob touch his chin, tilting his head so that he was forced to make eye contact.

Jacob leaned forward and touched their foreheads, eyes locked. Carter wanting to look away soo bad but also being sucked into it like light into a black hole; drawn to him like a moth to a bright flame.

"Can I kiss you?" Jacob whispered, feeling like if he spoke too loudly, the moment would shatter into a million pieces like a fragile glass cube. Carter wanted to decline but he couldn't bring himself to.

Even though he denied it, he wanted to feel those plump lips pressed up against his soo bad.

He wanted to feel those long-fingered hands do sinful things to him. He wanted to see pleasure in those beautiful violet eyes. Pleasure that he had caused. He was scared but his lust turned out to be stronger.

He nodded softly and slightly. That was all needed for Jacob to close the distance between them.

The kiss was slow and passionate and, closing his eyes, Carter felt himself slipping away from reality and into the feeling, his head light as a feather.

It was like he was drowning in the vast ocean, the loved the feel of water around him but hated its power over him, loved the feeling of safety but hated the breathlessness.

The feeling was nothing like when that drunk man had kissed him in the bar. This felt like home, like it was cleansing him of that fools' imprint. He felt lightheaded as Jacob placed his right hand on his waist, stroking his hip bone as his other hand travelled over his spine and through his hair, finally coming to rest on his cheek lightly and gently, as if he were a delicate China piece. As if he were something precious. Important.

His.

Carter shifted his hands from Jacob's back to his chest, softly palming the material with his small hands. He grabbed the T-shirt into his small fist as he felt Jacob swipe his tongue across his lower lip, then nibbling on it, asking for entrance. Carter smiled against his lips; the sensation as familiar to him as to him as night.

Familiar.

He jerked his eyes open and pushed Jacob away from him. "I'm sorry," he looked at Jacob, the lust in his eyes half replaced by guilt.

"No, no. I'm sorry. I felt soo irritated when I saw that asshole put his hands all over you that I couldn't control myself from hitting him. And…I'm just…sorry,' Jacob looked away, his eyes and face shining with a mix of shed and unshed tears.

"Let's go," Carter whispered. Jacob looked up and stared at him, his eyes glittering but now more in confusion.

"Er…go where?" he stared.

"To my house? You've got bruises and cuts…"

Jacob nodded like a lost puppy and allowed Carter to hold his hand and pull him away quietly. He hired a taxi and helped Jacob into it, keeping his hand on the edge of the doorframe so that he wouldn't accidently bump his head.

He climbed in after him and felt Jacob snuggle up against him, his head a comforting pressure on his bony shoulder. He sighed and ran his fingers through Jacob's hair, untangling the tangles and smoothening them out.

The ride was filled with an awkward yet comforting silence, like the simple feeling of the other being there made it all okay.

He looked at Jacob and noticed the dark circles that he had failed to notice yesterday because of the darkness. He was thinner too, and pale, as if he had absolutely been neglecting his health.

He sighed and softly shook his shoulders to wake him up, "Jacob wake up…we're here. Hey! Wake up!" Jacob smiled sweetly at Carter, trying to blink away the sleep and open his eyes more; this was his second sleep without any painful dreams.

First being the night before. Sleeping beside someone you love really does wonders to your sleep, he thought and smiled his stupid smile again. He really wanted to ask Carter about the hyper blonde kid but he couldn't bring himself to.

He was afraid of the answer. He was afraid it was going to hurt more than it did when he saw them hugging.

They walked into the lift and Carter felt Jacob lean against him. He wanted to smile but the 'What ifs?' refused to leave him alone.

What if Jacob was toying with him? What if it was some kind of game where he was given a dare to make Carter fall for him? What if he got hurt again? What if he fell in love all over again with the same person? What if history repeated itself?

'What if…?'