Falling all over again

"For to be wise and love

Exceeds man's might."

-William Shakespeare, 'Troilus and Cressida'

25th December, 2017

It was a chilly winter evening and even though it wasn't past seven o'clock, the sky was already a dark shade of blue with bright stars shimmering in it like pieces of glass under sunlight.

The full moon hung low near the horizon and just when his colleagues were about to close the café, a young couple walked in: Jacob and Sera. Holding hands, they walked to the table in the far corner, the one hidden by all eyes.

"Hey, Carter, you good?" Venessa asked, her eyes shining in alarm. "You've gone pale…"

"Yeah I'm fine. But can you serve them please? I don't want his cold eyes on me. I know I'm acting like a kid but please?" Venessa gave a brief nod and quietly slipped away to take their order.

Venessa had been Carter's best friend since they were ten years old. The three of them ---Carter, Jacob and Venessa— had done their share of mysterious things together.

She knew everything about him: she knew how much Carter loved him, loves him. She knew about how Jacob had started ignoring them after remaining friends for nearly eight years. She remembered how Jacob used to tease Carter with soft, sweet kisses. She hated how soon after ditching them, he'd started dating the school bitch Sera. The one he'd "hated" with passion.

Why would he lead Carter on just to push him off the cliff?!

But the worst thing she could recall were those painful nights that Carter would spend crying until he passed out from the exhaustion.

There were smooching sounds coming from the occupied corner now. And some very loud moaning; it hurt even though he knew he it was fake. Or at least it seemed fake. Venessa, carrying a tray holding a cup of cold coffee and a glass of orange juice involuntarily glanced at Carter, looking vaguely alarmed.

Carter watched as Jacob broke away from Sera and carefully took the glasses from the tray and returned to…whatever they were doing…without so much as a glance at her. After half an hour, Venessa, sighing, carried the bill to them and left it there, gesturing for Carter to collect it as soon as they leave before disappearing into the changing room.

Carter stood in the corner opposite them, staring at the floor as he desperately tried to block out all sounds, waiting for the familiar click of the door that would indicate their departure. He tried to think of his pending homework. He felt like he was grabbing at thin air, trying to think about anything but Jacob and what they had been.

The click he had been anxiously waiting for rang in the air, pulling him out of his spiral of thoughts that had been swallowing him alive. Not wanting to waste more time, he hurried to get the bill, almost tripping in his urgency. But as he lifted the folder, a thin strip of tissue paper fluttered out.

Carter bend down to pick it up but froze halfway as he processed the words addressed to him, in a handwriting he recognized as if it were his own:

I hate you, Carter. I always did.

-Jacob.

He flinched, his eyes filling up all over again. "Carter are you ready to leave yet?" Venessa's voice sounded behind him, effectively startling him. He turned around and quickly dabbed at his wet eyes and cheeks before replying in a heavy voice, "Not yet…you can leave first."

"Okay then," Venessa replied, her eyebrows crossed in concern, but she did not ask anything, which Carter was grateful for. He nodded at her and stumbled into the changing room, blinded by his need to be alone, and by the time he came out, she was gone.

He looked around the empty room, cherishing the eerie silence, and realized that Vennesa had already arranged all the chairs and tidied everything up. All that was left to do was to close the shop and go home. He made a mental note to thank her later.

He stared at the table where Jacob had been sitting. Jacob and Sera, he reminded himself bitterly. He thought about the note, heavy in his pocket even though it was just a scrap of paper. He'd have to explain everything to Ven later.

He owed her that though it all seemed far away now. In the peaceful stillness of this room, nothing seemed real anymore. Maybe he was dreaming and was about to wake up any second now and realize this was all fake and him and Jacob were still what they were and…

No he couldn't afford to think like that. It hurt too much. He sighed and tore his eyes away from the table, moving sluggishly towards the door. He stepped out into the sharp wind and locked the door, feeling tired and suffocated.

He looked up at the moon as he walked to his apartment, situated only a block away. It was now higher than it had been a few hours ago, shining a glorious gold. He wondered, not for the first time, what he'd done wrong. Maybe it was his fault after all that he'd lost Jacob. The thought of getting him back made him happy but it was almost as scary as the thought of losing him had been.

If he got his lover back, he'd be worried about losing him again. And besides that, all kinds love, with all their goodness, had expectations. Too many expectations. Expectations that left him sad and drained and disappointed in himself. Expectations he couldn't meet no matter how much he tried.

He was tired of it all. And yet a part of him yearned for a lover. Not just any lover. Him to be precise.

He looked up and realized with a jolt that he'd already reached his building. He stepped into the elevator and, pressing the tenth floor button, closed his eyes before leaning against its metal walls, waiting for it to stop. Thankfully, he didn't have to wait for long and almost before he knew it, he was unlocking his apartment door and walking in, relieved that his older brother was out with his friends. And probably not coming back tonight.

He stumbled into the bathroom and cleaned up, now even more tired than he was before.

Staggering into his bedroom, he closed the curtains and fell onto his bed. He hugged his plushy and thought about everything that had happened that day, subconsciously scanning it for any sign of communication from Jacob. Of course there was nothing other than that note. He thought about all their memories together and slowly a picture he had created appeared to him; him and Jacob having fun at the beach.

He imagined them splashing around in the ocean, then cuddling on the sand and staring up at the flawless blue sky, pointing out all the shapes the clouds made, coming home, living together…

He felt his tears flow again. He imagined them creating a waterfall; the lake was overflowing but the waterfall didn't stop. No matter how hard he seemed to try, the waterfall refused to stop. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, eventually feeling himself slip into an uneasy slumber, hoping tomorrow would be better.