Chapter Ten: “Him”

"All along our story

I lost myself to you.

You can't deny what we had together.

Even so, it did not last forever.

I can't love you as much as we used to.

You take it all, and you forget about me.

The stars hold our memories.

Stay tonight and hold me tight.

Feel my hand; feel my touch.

Look around and feel the rush.

Let's just get lost in our sin.

There is no time to think.

Deep in our minds, we lost it all.

The faith that keeps us alive

Does it feel good?

Let's keep drowning until the end."

It's poetry class, and that's what I could write down. But I was always afraid to show it or share it with my classmates. I had no idea what I wrote down, but all I know is that it holds my feelings; each word has its own feeling, feelings that I can't express or speak about.

I was just sitting there looking at my classmates and how they shared their ideas and thoughts so they could write something beautiful to give to the teacher. All I can hear is that they talk about love and life. What is love? If it only brings pain and suffering, then why do we only stick to it? What's special about it? I was lost in my thoughts when I found him in front of me. He just keeps popping out in front of me without me even knowing.

His eyes are like an ocean; every time I look into them, I feel like I'm sinking too deeply into him, something that I have no control over. His whole presence is so special. Now he is loved by everyone, not like in primary school when everyone was afraid of him. Then I realized that I'm the only one left alone; no one can love or accept me. Is it my fault? Is there a problem with me? Or is it the monster inside me that keeps them away?

"Show me what you had written; I'm curious about what those pretty hands had written".

I didn't want him to read it; actually, I can't ever let him read it, so I hid it immediately.

"Why don't you want to show it?" he said in a serious tone.

"It's nothing, so you don't need to read it".

He said something that crushed my mind.

"I want to know about your nothing, so show me, Mara".

I didn't know what to say anymore; he totally knows how to confuse me. My hand moved slowly, and I gave him the paper. He stared at it, and he kept reading it. I was nervous for no reason—nervous about what he would say after seeing it. Why do I even care about his opinion? This is not what I used to be. Or is it just because it's him?

"Mara, your nothing is beautiful; your nothing is full of pretty feelings, so keep holding up on your nothing".

I was lost in what he just said; every word he says is just more confusing than the last. I can't understand him anymore.

I looked into his eyes and said:

"It's because he is here, around me; the monster inside me wants him, and my nothing is full with him."