Chapter 11: Me, myself and I

I hated myself for hurting her like this.

"I feel… trapped when I'm with you. I just want to be free and not have to put on this good guy act. I'm not the good guy, and I don't want to be! You're kind and sweet. You have a beautiful smile, and when I'm with you, then everything feels right. I know it's just fake. As soon as I leave, then the world around me starts burning, and fuck, I started that fire. You deserve someone who won't drag you down and will help you be an even better person. Since I stepped into your life, all I've done is fuck you up." I spat. I was so angry with myself for saying this. I hated D.T.A. and especially hated Jane's mom. Yet a part of me knew that was I told her held some kind of truth to it.

Jane ditched school at least once a week with me. We smoked and got high every weekend. Her marks had dropped, and we were always getting into trouble for making out at school. We trespassed into empty houses, stole cars and went drifting, were chased by cops, vandalised places with spray paint and did things that put her life at risk.

"Why did you even try to get me? If you believe you aren't good enough to be with me, then why, Taine, why did you start dating me?" Jane asked through her tears. She sounded angry, which was good. I wanted to have her hate me rather than be upset over the breakup. Sometimes hating someone is easier than loving them. It's a lot less painful, that's for sure.

"It was easy." I chuckled. "Once I knew you liked me, then it was easy sailing. You were always there for me; you trusted me and didn't need an explanation. You cared so much about me that it was easy just to use you. No matter what, you stayed by my side and kept coming back to me. I wanted to see how much shit I could put you through until you finally gave up. You can't blame me that you were so clingy, naïve and let your attraction towards me blind you."

I am awful. Why was I saying this? I needed to break her heart, but instead, I decided to fucking destroy it.

"Use me then! I don't fucking care." Jane shouted. Why would she say that? After all that I said, then why did she still want me?

"No, Jane. You need to be with someone else. Don't be stupid, please. I'm not worth it." I mumbled and started walking away. Tears ran down my cheeks, but luckily the rain hid them. I needed to leave. I had to get away before I turned around and took back everything I said.

"Taine, wait!" Jane yelled and grabbed my arm. She was now also wet and ran out into the rain. "I love you." She cried.

I love you.

The words repeated in my head.

Don't say it. Please, don't say it.

"I never loved you," I replied and jerked my arm out of her grasp. I walked back to the van and never looked back. I opened the back door and climbed in.

"That looked… intense." Jane's mom stated. I nodded and sat down. The van started reversing. "Sorry, kid." She added. I shrugged. I didn't feel angry or sad … just numb. I glanced out the window as we drove past. Jane still stood outside in the rain. She was going to get sick.

"No, wait!" I cried and scrambled to the door. I had to get to her. Jane needed me. The men grabbed onto me and held me down. "Let me go! I'll fucking kill you. No, please." I shouted and struggled to get free.

"You can't go to her kid." Jane's mom remarked. "Let her go."

A guy knocked me out using the handle of my gun, and it felt like I fell off a cliff into the dark waters below.

***

I woke up again in my bedroom. I scrambled to my phone and typed a message to Jane.

"I take it back. I can never forget how our story started and how you showed me what love felt like. How you made me your everything. When I came to you, I was nonchalant; I pushed you away from me. I was too selfish to see the truth. I'm just scared to open up. What we have is so real that it made me terrified to lose you, so instead, I decided to push you away first. I'm stupid.

I never wanted to hurt you. Without you, my life would be empty, and I would hate everyone. I took advantage of you. My ego clouded my sense of reasoning. I was too angry at the world to realise that your love was enough. I wish I could turn back time and take it all back. I wish I could show you how much you mean to me. I cannot think of the right words to express the deep gap I feel by walking away from what we had.

I miss you already, and I am sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. I hate myself for hurting you. I will be a better man for you, me, us. I'll be the man you deserve. I can change, please… Jane, forgive me. When you said those words for the first time, I should have said them back. I lied! I do. I love …"

What was I doing? I can't be with her. I erased the message and instead decided to block her number. Pull yourself together, Taine. You did the right thing.

I had to get out of this town. I grabbed a suitcase from underneath my bed and shoved clothes into it. I decided that I was going to visit my Dad during the school holidays. I needed a distraction. I smashed the picture frame Jane gave me and took out the picture of the two of us. I folded the image up and shoved it into my pocket. Someone knocked at the door, but I ignored it and finished packing. The knock came again, and the door flew open.

"Oh, good, you're up and packed." Jane's mom stated.

"Get out of my room!" I shouted and placed the picture of Joshua and me on top of my clothes.

"I have a new mission for you."

"I don't care."

"It's about the gang that killed your brother." She added. I stopped zipping up my suitcase and looked at her. "I thought you might be interested to know we have a lead." Jane's mom added.

"When do I start?" I questioned and grabbed the suitcase. I was ready to go. I promised to take revenge for Joshua, even if this was a 1% chance that I could kill the person that ordered him to be targetted, then I was going to take it.

The leader of D.T.A. smiled and responded, "Right now, but first, let me introduce your team."

Team? The mission required a team? Great. I didn't work well with others. I preferred to do it by myself. Jane's mom led me downstairs, and we walked into the T.V. room. I recognised Peanut and Nemis, but there were two other people that I didn't know.

Nemis sneered when I walked in. His stupid blonde hair was long and in his face with this ridiculous beard, and his silly freckles made me gag. Freckles were adorable on people, and Cameron's made him look hot. Well, that's what Jane said. I really disliked Nemis, so everything about him was stupid.

"This is Tart; she is an expert in weapons, a hacker and deals with explosives." Jane's mom stated and gestured towards a Korean woman. She had brown hair with a hint of orange in a shoulder-length hairstyle; she wore massive metal-framed glasses and had one of those resting-bitch facial expressions. If I had to guess, she looked about 26.

"Here we have Accelerate; he is the getaway driver most of the time but deals with finance and documents when the crew needs it." She remarked. Accelerate was a black dude with an afro; he had a slit in his eyebrow, and his arm was covered in tattoos. He had a pair of headphones around his neck and wore sports shorts with a couple of slops. It looked like he didn't know which style to wear, so he chose them all.

"Sup, man." Accelerate greeted me and lifted his hand. I gave him a slight nod.

"You, of course, know Peanut. She works as an inside woman and deals with entry and exit routes." Jane's mom added. I was confused. Peanut was stuck in traffic, which resulted in me being shot. I even had to help her escape when we met. I doubt she deals with exit routes. "Then, Nemis is a professional surgeon. So, he'll keep you all alive. Plus, he is a great assassin and has one of the highest kill counts. Which leaves you. Everyone, this is Shiv. He is the youngest team member and is the best thief at D.T.A. Shiv deals with manipulation, distractions, retrieving information, and taking whatever is needed for the mission."

"What is your role?" I asked.

"The mastermind, of course. You all work for me and report only to me. You can all call me Empress; that's my code name." Jane's mom replied. I knew her real name. Emily Randall. Jane had told me.

I walked over to the couch and sat down next to Accelerate. The team, or whatever we were, seemed okay. I just hope they all stood up to their descriptions.

"We all have lost loved ones to the same gang that has been targetting D.T.A. agents. Nemis lost his wife, who was pregnant at the time. Accelerate lost his grandparents. Tart lost her son. Peanut, her girlfriend and Taine lost his brother. I lost my entire family. Each of us in this room wants to take revenge for all we have lost and take out the person who called the orders before anyone else loses their loved one. We will protect the agents of this alliance, just like we wished there was someone to protect the ones we lost." Empress explained and switched on the T.V.

"This is the guy who drove a truck which caused the accident that killed Empress's family." Accelerate stated as a picture flashed on the T.V. "He is the same guy who sabotaged the car that Taine's brother drove off the bridge."

This whole time D.T.A. knew who directly killed my brother, and no one said a thing! I stood up and clenched my hands into fists.

"You knew, but I was never informed," I shouted at Empress.

"This man was just given orders. He was simply a pawn in a much larger game." She remarked. "We used him to give us information, and in return, we promised to spare his life."

"That was not your call to make!"

"Both your parents agreed." She stated. What? My parents knew who killed my brother, and they just let him walk! I was boiling with anger. I punched the wall next to me and took a deep breath.

"Sorry, Accelerate. Please proceed." I stated and sat down.

Why was I disappointed? I knew that I couldn't rely on or trust anyone. That included my family. I was an idiot for thinking anyone else could do what was needed. I was going to kill that guy and everyone else in that gang. I don't care if they just cleaned floors. They were all dead already. I was going to take revenge for my brother, and no one would stand in my way.

Fuck people, and fuck my parents. They were also dead to me now. It was finally time I stopped having faith. I was alone. I was the only person to get the job done.