18.5: Haileys Perspective

Hi. I'm Hailey.

I like my friend.

His name is Nick, but he goes by Nate.

My friend likes my other friend.

Her name is Emma.

Emma also likes Nate.

Isn't that great? My two friends, they're in love. I'm sure they don't know it, but their love is reciprocated. God, I wish that was me.

I wonder what it's like– to have someone accept your love. To be loved.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if I didn't exist. I don't want to die… but I don't want to exist.

"The desire to not exist, heh." My philosophy teacher, Mr. Smith said.

"Yeah… I was wondering if there was a word for that. It's not like I'm– I'm not suicidal– I just don't want to exist."

"Well… that's a hard question for Hailey. There isn't one direct term I know of that can describe that feeling– only those words you used to describe it. It could be related to Nihilism, Solipsism, or even Annihilism. But for you… I think it's most likely that you just haven't found a reason for your existence."

"A reason?"

"Yes, Hailey. I believe you are a person who strives for validation– validation saying that you matter, you exist, and that people want you around. You will most likely be drawn toward those types of people, but it won't always be a good thing. You may see this person through a rose coloured glass. 'They're just like me!' Yes they are… and that's exactly why it can be dangerous. You need to be around people that will push you, not let you float through life."

"What's so wrong with talking to people similar to you?"

"You become dependent. Codependency is a major issue in youth specifically because if you get too accustomed to someone being around and when they're gone, it's like you lose a part of you."

"I understand."

I didn't understand.

If I'm so similar to Nate, why can't I be around him?

I hate this.

Stupid Mr. Smith…

I just wanna be with Nate. Is that so bad?