18: Chills

"Thank you Ma'am."

"No problem, Nate. You can leave the check your mom wrote in my mailbox outside of the office."

"Yes Ma'am see you next week!"

"You too Nate! It's been a pleasure working with you today."

Yes! I got the 2 month badge!

It's been two months since I attempted to kill myself. Just the thought of it makes my body urk. I feel sad that I allowed myself to get to that point, but I'm grateful I am here today.

I felt the cold early winter breeze whisk up parts of my now long hair. Drooping slightly over my eyes, my hair had grown long and thin, fading to a dark black losing its old shimmer. I even had some of my hair pushed behind my ear as it had covered them making it uncomfortable to wear my earmuffs.

I love the winter. November was a nice month. I like October, but Halloween isn't my thing. I did go to a party with Emma and Marc but I saw Carly there and ended up going home early.

I've been keeping my distance from her. Not because I hate her or anything– I just… I don't think it's in either of our best interests to keep seeing each other, even as friends.

I've also been staying away from Emma… not outright avoiding her, but I'm not clinging to her like a parasite anymore– I wish I could but… it would only make her dislike me more. I don't want to keep a distance, but If we stay close together, she might get sick of me and want to push me away. I don't want that.

Anything but that.

She got sent back to the hospital last week. I went to visit her yesterday. It was interesting. She kept saying how she's getting better, and how she might be able to leave the hospital on Sunday, but it's thursday and from what I saw her was that she isn't even able to work. I feel bad for her. I feel responsible even though I have nothing to do with it. God I wish I could see her though– BRRZZT!

Huh what's this? Hailey? Why's she calling me?

"H-hello… is this Nate?"

"Yes? Why are you acting like you've never called this number?"

Since I've been distancing myself from Emma– and because she's been in the hospital– I've been spending a lot of time with Hailey. She's kept me distracted with books and we've even gone to places together like shopping and stuff. It's not much, but I'm really glad she's making an effort considering how she was when I first met her.

"N-Nate would you like to…"

"Hm?"

"Would you like to go out to see a movie with me?!"

"Yeah, sure."

"Really?!!!" She said it so loudly the microphone cut out.

"Yeah, now calm down. There's nothing that exciting about watching a movie with me."

What's with her? Whatever, I guess I can see a movie– god I hope it isn't some terrible film, like a Tom Cruise film. I hate films like Tom Cruise because they are always so fake. It's just a bunch of guys doing things that would never happen in real life. This one time– I was watching this film with Marc at his house, it was one of those Special Mission type films–The ones where they guys are always super popular and do all this ultra romantic and macho stuff that gets them the girl at the end– and I swear to you, he used this girls boob as a rest for his gun. I tell you, it was absurd! Movies like that really rub me the wrong way. Always giving the wrong message to the audience…

"Did you hear me Nate?"

"Huh? Oh uhm, you said the movie theater on 42nd and Concord?"

"Yeah… Don't be late! It's cold, and I don't want you to leave me waiting. I'll see you at 3. Bye!"

She giggled and hung up before I got the chance to say goodbye.

What an odd girl.

In any case, she said 3 so I should have a few hours to kill… let me check the time… 1 O' CLOCK?! That's nothing. I haven't even had lunch, let alone breakfast. I woke up and went straight to therapy. Oh god… should I eat? Yes! Yes! Am I dumb?

Okay… Okay… I'm going to… drive home. Yes, I'm going to drive home and make myself a breakfast bagel. I'll call it a solo brunch. I don't want to eat too heavy just in case Hailey is hungry. I also don't want to eat too lightly, I might end up having stomach rumbles or looking like a pig if we go out to eat.

As I ate my bagel I thought about Hailey. I don't know why she was on my mind. I just couldn't stop thinking about the way she asked me on the phone. Stuttering isn't out of the ordinary for her, but her voice was high, like she was trying to be extra girly. It was odd. I didn't hate it. It was just… a change of pace I wasn't expecting.

It's been a while since I've cried. In these last few months, I haven't shed a single tear. I've been strong. I remember– after I talked to Marc, I went to school and talked to my social worker. Do y'know what he said?

"Boy's don't cry champ! Lift your head and keep going!"

Seemed like real bullshit.

I did what he said anyway though. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want to hurt them. If I'm the only one who knows I'm hurting, how can I hurt others? If I chose not to cry, no one else would.

* * *

"Hey! Nate!"

Hailey walked toward me, adjusting her hair and fixing her dress.

"Hey Hailey."

"You seem down. Everything okay?"

"Yeah… yeah I was just thinking about…"

The truth is, I was thinking about the first time I had a "date" with Emma. The way her hair shined and glowed in the sun. They way her clothes fit her so perfectly–

"Huh? I didn't quite hear you Nate?"

"Nothing, it's nothing."

"So, what movie do you wanna see?"

"What? I thought you had one in mind since you're the one who invited me out here."

"Well… I have an idea, but I'm not sure if you want to see it."

Her face turned red as I saw her looking at the poster for some romance. I never would've seen Hailey to be that type of person, but I can't put it past her. She's a girl after all– it only makes sense she would want to see a romance film, especially since she doesn't have a boyfriend.

"Hm, how about that one?"

I pointed at the sign for the RomDram she was looking at. The second the film started, I regretted picking it.

The movie was from a girl's perspective– which would be fine, if the girl didn't look and act like Emma. It was all awkward for me. There was this one scene where the girl was getting undressed in front of the guy– this real macho man– and instead of letting her change, he pinned her to the bed. Boy did that get me worked up. I felt real angry at the guy– I mean, that's technically sexual assault isn't it. After that, there was this really awkward sex scene and it made me feel icky. Something about some guy doing it with a girl that looked like the girl I liked threw me off. I'm not one to kink-shame, but I'm definitely not into that.

As we left the theater, my body felt limp like a slug. I basically urched my way across the floor, moving like a centipede. I felt dirty after watching that. I wanna shower. Hailey on the other hand seemed to really enjoy the film. Apparently, she felt she related to the main character a little bit. I guess it makes sense, they are both girls– but beyond that, I didn't see many connections. She had an odd conversation as we left the theater…

"Hey Nate. Don't you think you were kinda like the guy in the movie?"

"Erm… No, not really. Why? Did you think I was?"

"Yeah definitely! You're cool like him. You're really nice to me and Emma, just like the guy in the movie was to the girls in the film."

"Hehe, well I'm flattered."

"Nate, did you catch the big secret of that movie?"

"No… I don't believe I did."

"Well, the main character is not the girl that the story was told from the perspective of. While we have the mind of the girl- Rachel-, we are actually being told the story of her best friend…"

She continued to do a deep analysis of the film and if I'm being completely honest, I didn't understand 90% of what she said.

"Did you get all that Nate?"

"Huh? Yeah." No.

"Wow! I'm surprised you caught on, the movie was very poorly adapted. We read this book not long ago."

I thought to myself, trying to wrap my head around what book this could have been based on.

"Oh wait, was this supposed to be the adaptation of Withering Beauty?"

"Bingo! Right in the money. You must really have paid attention. They even changed the title for the movie."

"Well– Either way, I was wondering…"

My stomach rumbled.

"..."

After looking at me in silence, Hailey broke into laughter. I felt like a clown– putting my dignity on the line for the enjoyment of another person.

"Do you wanna go out to eat, Nate?"

"Y-yes please."

I cannot believe I just did that. I ate before I came here and I'm still hungry…

Well, I guess it was 1, it's almost 6 right now… it makes a little sense…

"Okay, I brought my car… how did you get here?"

"I walked here, it's within walking distance of my house without me getting too fatigued."

"Alright, I'll drive us somewhere, since I picked the film, you can pick where we go to eat."

And so, we got in my car and drove to some food joint down the road.

"Hello Folks, what would you like today?"

"I'll take 2 adult menus. Thank you."

"Of course. Here, let me guide you to your seat."

The waitress led us to a seat in an area that seemed to be only couples, it was all single tables with only 2 chairs, one on each side facing each other.

"Well, would you like anything to drink Ma'am?"

"Erm, the water is fine."

"What about you boyfriend?'

"We're not–" Hailey looked at me and blushed, "I'll take a water as well."

"I'll have that over in just a jiffy folks."

The waitress walked off with a fast step and went into the back.

"Hailey… you okay…"

"Yea– yeah…"

"That lady thought we were a couple. I guess we might look like that from the outside."

"What's so bad about letting her think that…"

Her voice trailed off.

"Hailey? Did you say something?"

"No, forget it."

We sat there and waited for our water and then placed our orders. Hailey got a well done cheeseburger with lettuce and pickles with a side of waffle fries and fruit. I ordered the same figuring that if she could eat it, so could I.

"How's your burger?"

"Mine's good. Yours?"

I poked around it, "It's good."

"Good."

"Good."

"..."

"..."

This is what I really liked about hanging out with Hailey. We could sit in complete silence, and be completely comfortable. It was kind of like when I'm with Emma, but with her, I get really nervous and can't think straight.

We kept making small talk the rest of the dinner and ended up enjoying a talk about random things. The topic of discussion was bouncing around like a ball but we were always able to keep it in control.

"Nate…"

"Yeah?"

"You… You like Emma, right?"

"Wha– Huh—" I spat out some of my food and sighed. "Yeah… I do…"

"What do you like about her?"

"Well, mainly– geez this is so embarrassing– I like how she's someone I feel connected to. Ever since we met in August, I've felt that she was someone I didn't need to actually speak to. She just understood me, without any words. She was kind and funny. She's pretty smart– while she may act dumb. And you know, her beauty is a big plus."

"Wow… you must really like her."

"Jeez… Yeah, I do."

"I'm glad."

"Yeah, I'm glad I fell for her too."

I looked at Hailey and I could tell something was off. She didn't seem too happy– she didn't seem to be smiling at all. Her eyes were hollowed. She looked dejected and depressed. I could only wonder. The thought of her being so sad, it only gave me chills. It made me no better than the people who used to make her life a living hell before.

I'm sorry Hailey.

I don't mean to hurt you.