Self-Orientation - You have to reap what you sow

A metallic bell rang early morning at 530 am and disturbed me in my already troubled sleep. I

heard someone say "Wake up or be ready for the consequences." I was not sure what it meant and I tried to go back to sleep. The short lived sleep was disturbed by violent snatching of my blanket, which I don't even remember to put on last night followed by a splash of water on my face. I woke up aggressively to grab the throat of the person who was doing this but as I was on my

way to do so I saw his face and stopped. He was the same care taker because of whom I got thrashed last night. Suddenly my hand started to shiver. The care taker saw the shivering and shouted, "Get this Boy some medicine he is getting withdrawals." I had no idea of what that term meant, however I will be learning many such terms of the sub-world soon.

After the medicine, I went out behind him to the room which was called as dormitory. I saw some 30 to 50 odd people from as young as 12 years to as old as 70.

Walking as a hurt puppy I stood beside the person who shoved his pants with my roti last night. They started with the morning prayer which read as: "Thank you God for showing us a day free of addiction. May we continue on this path for our lives. Forget us for the people we hurt and bless us so that no thoughts of using drugs and alcohol comes to our mind."

While everyone was saying the prayer I was looking up at a half torn poster with a thought which said "You have to reap what you sow." I felt like we all are convicts. I told that person, "It looks like we all are in jail." He replied, "Worse, I have just returned from the prison 4 months back." I asked him, "What did you do" and he replied "Sshhhh you are going to get both of us beaten." I stayed quite. Then someone yelled my name from the only door to get out. 3 other addicts accompanied me to the office where the care taker was sitting. I went inside the room and the care taker just

stared at me. He said, "You have created enough nuisance last night and we won't tolerate it here. Your family and friends have told us that you have studied in the U.K. and are well qualified." Before he can say something else I interrupted. I told him, "I am not like this when I am not drunk it was my mistake and I am sorry."

He just ignored what I said and told me that, "We will be tough with you but since your parents have specified your head injury we are not going to beat you up but only until we feel that you are not creating a problem." I started crying and I requested him that, "I want to talk to my mother" but the care taker had a grin on his face and told me that, "You are only allowed to speak to your family after completing 45 days of treatment." I started to cry hard, with my body shivering, the care

taker immediately told one of the companions to get the medicine again and give me a beedi (Indian version of cigarette). I thought it is some kind of a trap and that if I take the beedi from him he might assault me. I guess he figured it out and told me that "We have got rules in here. Wake up at 5:30 in the morning and get one beedi, after a session of yoga, breakfast is served and after the breakfast we give you one more beedi posts which classes start. You are not allow to go out and you stay inside all the time unless and until called upon."

After he finished I further insisted that, "I wanted to speak to my mother" to which he said, "Ok tell me your mother's phone number." To my surprise I was not able to recall her number. Seeing that the care taker laughed and told me that, "I have been sober for 15 years and what you are experiencing right now is called a panic attack," only to learn later that alcohol slowly starts killing your memory cells. That was the moment I realised that this has been happening outside as well.

I started to forget lyrics of my favourite songs and it took me a lot of time to recall something from my past. I started to feel that do I have any mental condition, soon to discover that even if I don't, they will surely be giving me one in the medical file that they have prepared under my name.

The care taker said, "Enough of this you have lost your chance now go inside and get ready for the day." Now the fact I will emphasize is that we addicts' like to be alone majority of the times so that no one sees how much we are drinking or what mess are we up to. Said that we are very lonely from inside and usually need some companion/s to be with. In most cases that companion is alcohol but in this place I can't get that so I decided to interact and make friends. Me being a

curious person, I stopped thinking about getting out but instead started to understand the place. I tried approaching a few people and all welcomed me with warm handshakes, apparently hugs would get you beaten up is what they said. At back of my mind I was still wondering what is this beating up thing anyways.

Everyone looks very cautious of their behaviour. Well I will soon find out. Now came the time for breakfast, 2 bread pieces and tea it was. The hangover was now getting light and I ate both the slices and kept observing people around me. A 9-year old skinny brown boy with cut across his

face stared at me with a demeaning look. Across the floor I saw a person quietly putting chewing tobacco in his mouth. "He is having tobacco on the carpet", shouted one inmate. Suddenly out of nowhere the care taker came in with same 4 boys and asked him to open his mouth. They caught him. Out of 4 people with the care taker, 2 held his hand and 2 held his legs and rotated him face down mid-air. The care taker now got hold of his 4 ft. long and at least 3 inches think wooden rod and started smacking the boy everywhere as if he is trying to remove dust from a carpet. After around a minute or so they threw him in the corner and everyone started eating as if nothing has happened.

I was shivering like hell; I was pretty sure that it was not the withdrawals this time. Seeing my condition after this incident and the helpful request of my family of not to go hard on me, the care taker told me to go to bed for rest of the day and take rest. I was asked about how many rotis would I have to which I said one for both lunch and dinner. Both the time the food was brought in by the same person who got me food last night. I spent the whole day listening to distant voices

in my blanket for my day 1.