Being Honest: Penny
His dorm room is open. He's wearing gym shorts and a hoodie, lying in bed. He stops scrolling through his phone when I knock.
"You still haven't unpacked?"
"I'm an outlaw, I know."
His humor doesn't hold the same weight with me anymore. It never reaches his eyes.
"Have you met your roommate yet?"
"No, he may not come until after the summer."
"Well, Rose just got here."
We've never needed her to fill in awkward gaps, but now we can't seem to be in the same room unless she's there. It's easier that way.
"Cool." He rolls out of bed.
His nonchalant attitude has gotten old.
I suddenly close the door. "How long are you going to avoid me?"
I feel myself getting emotional already, and focus on twirling my rings.
"I haven't been—"
"We've been here for days, and this is only the second time that I've seen you." I calm myself with a deep breath.
The silence drags. I meet his eyes, surprised by how upset they look.
"Penny, why are you doing this? You know why things are different."
"It's been eight months, Matt! How much longer is this going to go on between us?"
"You think that I don't know how long it's been?" He steps close, a fire in his eyes. "I'm trying not to think about it."
"Then just stop doing it!" By now my voice is raising. "Stop shutting me out, I can't take it anymore!"
His voice is steady. "You can't take it? You have no idea what it's like for me."
"Ugh, forget it! I'm done."
He pulls my arm, spinning me back to him. This close to his chest, I have to look up to meet his intense eyes. Whatever I said definitely ticked him off.
"You miss your friend, but I'm right here, so be honest," he says, lowly.
It stuns me.
"You want more from me, but you can't say it. Even without someone else in the picture, you won't admit it."
His jaw is set. He continues when I don't answer, growing frustrated.
"You just want the friend, so that's what I'm being! I'm not kissing the ground you walk on anymore, so I guess that's what finally got you to notice me?"
His face softens when the first tear rolls down my cheek. My quivering breath is the only sound in the room. I wipe my eyes, regaining myself before getting too overwhelmed.
His eyes lower. "I didn't mean any of it. I'm sorry."
The old Matt would've hugged me without hesitation, but now he contemplates on whether or not to hold me.
I press his chest when he tries to walk past. "Please, don't go."
He gives at my touch, melting like candle wax. In a moment, I'm caught in his embrace.
I've been longing for this. These months without him have answered a question for me.
He's my guy.