Ch.22: Determination (2/5)

To wait for my flower to rise, I turned on the TV. I don't often watch the news, but I wasn't in the mood to actually watch anything. All I wanted was background noise to drown out these unnerved emotions in me. Before I knew it, two hours passed by once I checked my phone.

"…I wonder what Mae-chan and Sophia-san are doing?"

It's a strange sensation knowing you're supposed to be at one place when you're at a whole other. Not only that…I planned to go to work today. I silently hoped none of my classmates would see me or else I'll certainly have a talk with Takanai-sensei about my sudden absence.

I sighed. The house was quiet…too quiet, and it caused me anxiety. Mindlessly, I clicked away on the remote now as if there would be something to calm my nerves. But no matter how many shows I found as I surfed through the channels, nothing was going to ease my racing mind.

"M-Madoka-chan…"

Her muffled voice captured my ears just as I finally turned the television off. I turned to see Hana-chan now rolling to the side. Her face was pink as she gazed at me from underneath the covers…

She pulled them off of her and laid them on the side. With her hands on her thighs now she faced me.

"Hey, sleepyhead."

"…I'm sorry, Onee-chan."

Suddenly, she cut through my tease.

"Hm? What do you have to be sorry for, silly?"

She sat up and nudged closer to me. Our thighs touched as she looked me straight in the eyes.

"You…fell in love with mom, right?"

She was direct, not wasting any more time. So, I did just the same and firmly nodded.

"Yes, I did. I fell in love with Koda Mari-san, your mother Hana-chan."

I needed it to be clear. There was no hiding it any longer nor did I have any intentions to. My hand met with hers as I did my best to comfort her.

"So, why do you have to apologize for that, Hana-chan?"

Her lips quivered as she looked away briefly. After a large exhale she confessed.

"…Because I thought to myself that night… The night you came back to the room crying…"

She sighed.

"I thought…wouldn't it be better for Madoka-chan to just forget about her feelings?"

She looked at the window as the morning rays basked in our home. As if that was giving her the energy she needed to press on, Hana-chan continued her confession.

"That night, the thought crossed my mind…"

Her lips parted as the sides of her eyes started to water again.

"I thought that it would be best for you to just stop thinking about it. A-And that it would be best if you didn't say anything…then maybe…everything would be okay."

That's when the tears began to trickle down her cheeks.

"B-But then I remembered something important. I-I remembered I told you that I'd be there for you..."

Silently, I listened to my little sisters' heart as she confessed what she believed to be her own sin.

"B-But when you finally confessed to me. When you poured out your feelings to me and…I couldn't do that for you. I-I lied to you."

Her hot tears began to flow faster. She lifted her head and met my gaze.

"I realized that I wasn't ready for you to tell me the truth, despite how much I begged you to. And all day yesterday as I sat in my room alone…it ate me up inside."

"I was quick to cast your feelings aside even though you poured them out to me. A-And I'm so sorry for that, Onee-chan!"

"Hana…you don't have to apologize for that."

"B-But you're so special to me though, Madoka, a-and I want to understand your feelings! No matter how much they hurt."

Regardless of how much it hurt her, Hana-chan wanted to push forwards. So, I gave her a tight squeeze and tenderly patted her head. It wasn't the time to shed any more tears…

"Here, let me explain everything to you…what happened then Hana-chan. Then we'll talk all about it if you want."

"O-Okay, Onee-chan."

Slowly, I explained everything to her, from when Mari-san first came into my life and how I helped her as she was sick…to when I was being tutored by her in English. How my feelings developed for her over time, and I confessed to her. How her mother was caring enough to tell me to wait for my sake…but then how she eventually realized she felt the same way towards me.

Some moments were harder than others, but I struggled through and told her everything I knew.

From there, I told her about why Mari-san originally got with my mom and how it all came together. Hana-chan listened diligently, only chiming in every now and then. She was doing her best to look at everything objectively it seemed. I told her everything up to the point of that night where I confessed to Mari-san…

That's when I decided it'll be best to omit the most recent details after that. The tender parts of me having my time with Mari-san…her mother. That would certainly be too much for her right now. It may do more harm than good. One day I'll confess that too, but for the moment, she needed to know my decision.

"…I get it, Onee-chan."

Hana-chan said as I ended my explanation.

"After hearing what Mari-san did for my mom, it made me realize how much mom needed her, Hana-chan."

Those feelings of sorrow attempted to build in my body. I took a deep breath and sighed harshly.

"Mom needed Koda Mari-san. The love of her life left her far too soon. Then I left her too. My mom was ready to kill herself because she was alone. And the only person she had to grab onto was Koda Mari-san."

My fingers gripped my thighs as I confessed what was rummaging in my heart. The true reason why I must let go of these feelings and move forwards.

"My mom found happiness after I left her, and I never want to take that away from her...Hana-chan. Your mom…saved my mom. And…I love her even more for that."

I felt her gaze on my face as I looked out the window beside us. Those rays of sunlight dampened as the clouds began to cast over the sky. Even if my heart mirrored those clouds right now, one day they would dissipate, and I'll be able to move on.

"Onee-chan..."

Hana-chan spoke softly. For a moment we sat in silence as if to let all the emotions of this discussion settle in.

"I have a question then, Onee-chan…"

"Yes, Hana-chan?"

"…Do you still love my mom?"

"…Yes, I do, Hana-chan."

"…Do you still…want to be with my mom?"

"…That's a…horrible question, Hana-chan."

"…You're right. Sorry, Onee-chan..."

Once more we sat in silence. It was obvious that things wouldn't instantly go back to normal. Hana-chan had to come to terms with everything I told her. She had to understand all these emotions going through her right now. Just the idea of me loving her mother could break the family she fought for in these last two years.

"I love my moms, Onee-chan."

She stated, clearly.

There was no hesitation in her statement. That only expressed her absolute loyalty to her moms. But then her purple irises drew me into her determination. I couldn't help but be in awe at her fierce gaze.

"But I love you too, Onee-chan. And…I never want to see you cry that way again."

"Hana-chan, thank you."

"I told Saitou-san that we needed to communicate better if we want this family to survive…but I never expected it to hurt this bad."

"Hana-chan...it will be okay."

She bobbed her head as she looked away.

"…You have work later today, right?'

I nodded.

"…I need time to speak to my mom alone, Onee-chan. It's been a while…since me and my mom talked alone."

I petted her head as I tenderly comforted her.

"I think that would be best, Hana-chan. But you shouldn't be worried. I'm sure she's wanted to tell you her feelings…for a while now."

My little flower turned away and nodded softly. She went quiet for a while again before turning back to me.

"Onee-chan…I want to hear it all from my mom's mouth. I…I have to know her true feelings too. I-I want to know why she hid it from me…her daughter."

Her feet kicked about as if that would help jump-start her thoughts.

"I... don't know the level of feelings my mom has for you, Onee-chan. So, I can't just say everything will be alright without knowing my mom's feelings..."

"Hana-chan..."

I shook my head from side to side. Hana-chan has to come to her own conclusions as I did. In the end, I decided to cast away my feelings for Hana-chan and mom. No, for everyone in our family. That was my choice, meaning Hana-chan would have to come up with her own choices too. I would have to respect that and allow her to explore what she needs in order to grow stronger.

"I understand."

"…So please, give me time to think, Onee-chan. It's not that I don't trust you or mom's choice, but..."

Her feelings were well-founded. So, I closed my eyes and nodded gently.

"I understand. But remember Hana-chan, you don't have to confront your mom today either, you know. I suggest you give yourself all the time you need before doing that. We have time...despite what you may believe."

Those words came right from my partner, Taylor Linda-san. Hopefully, they would guide Hana-chan in the same way they guided me to my decision too.

"…Right."

I would have to give Hana-chan all the time she needed until she realizes that I want what's best for us...for our family. Not just me.

"I think… I'm going to get some more rest in my room. Is that okay with you, Onee-chan?"

"Of course. I'll see you when you wake up, alright."

I giggled, trying my best to lighten the mood a bit now. That's when Hana-chan put her hand on my thigh. Her small fingers pressed down on me as she lifted her small body up and surprised me.

"I love you, Onee-chan. Don't forget that..."

She…kissed my cheek. Not once, not twice, but three times. As if to confirm that this wasn't a spur-of-the-moment emotion. The pecks of light wetness in the air dissipated in rapid succession. Her lips felt like marshmallows pushing softly on my skin. That light scent of flowers trickled across my nose...and it made me feel...safe, happy even.

She might not have been able to express all that was going through her mind as of yet…but there was one certainty that calmed my heart…

That Hana loved me.

She genuinely loved me…

So much that it made me want to burst into tears…

But not anymore. I had to be stronger and hold down those rabid emotions. With that determination pulling me forward, I turned to her and held her in my arms. Her small frame was warm and soft…how I wanted her to stay that way forever.

"I love you too…don't worry…it'll be okay."

"…Yeah."

Despite her sounding as though she was troubled, I could feel her warmth melt in my chest. Reluctantly, I let go as she hopped off the couch and made her way up the steps behind me. Her small frame disappeared from the room. After hearing her door shut softly, I searched the ceiling.

That's when I realized how tired I was…even though I had this extra day off from school.

"I can't just sit around. What am I going to do?"

As my mind began to wonder I instinctively went back to Hana-chan crying on the sidewalk. How much that hurt…seeing my little sister in so much pain. If Hana-chan was so destroyed by this revelation, then…

"How is mom going to take this?"