Chapter 74

It had been a few weeks and I wasn't on the bed as usual when Thor came in. I was standing, looking out the window. Looking at Loki and Bucky, where they waited every day for a glimpse of me in the window. Never failing, no matter what the weather. Thank god for them being a God and a Super Soldier or they would have gotten pneumonia from staying out in the rain. They were there when I went to bed and there when I woke up. 

I turned and looked at Thor. He gave me a gentle smile. I walked away from the window and hugged him. He held me tight for a minute then looked down at me. 

"It's time, isn't it?"

"Yes. I think it is. Tomorrow. Not tonight. Tonight, I want just to be with you."

"Anything you want, Ari."

I led him to the bed and together we cuddled and talked. He told me stories of him and Loki as children. My heart broke for the misunderstood child that was so hurt to find out he was a Frost Giant. Thor told me of how their whole childhood they were taught the Frost Giants were the enemy. They grew up wanting to wipe them all out. To find out you were one, taken only as a pawn in Odin's final plan, must have broken him. I understood better why he had reacted the way he did, and I felt ashamed. This wasn't their fault. It was all mine. I cause so many people pain. I started crying. 

"What's wrong Ari? Please don't cry. Talk to me."

"This is all my fault. Everything is my fault. Everyone worrying. Loki and Bucky hurting. My continuing to hurt them by not seeing them when it's my fault." I paused and not looking at Thor whispered, "Why did anyone even bother to save me. I cause pain wherever I go."

"Because we all care about you, Ariane. I don't think you ever fully accepted that. You are more than worthy of having people care about you. And everyone causes pain. I have caused Loki untold pain. Yet we still love each other and are brothers. It's what you do now that will count." 

He paused and looked at me.

"Are you ready to tell me what happened? I've never wanted to push you. But if you are going to see them tomorrow, I feel it is better to tell someone about it first."

I nodded and walked away from him and looked out the window at the two men my story was about.

"Some is TMI but it's part of the story. We had just had an amazing time. The best we had had yet. And then I ruined it. I was lying between them, happy. I remembered I had asked for ice cream for being brave and showing everyone my past. They agreed but I never got it. I was teasing them, reminding them they had made a promise they didn't keep. I was acting like I was really upset. When I said it was ice cream, Loki accused me of treating them like playthings. Toys just for my amusement and not caring about their feelings. He said it was something he couldn't and wouldn't put up with. Bucky asked me to leave."

I took a deep breath. 

"This next part is a secret, and you can't tell. Please. I feel that it could be dangerous for them and for me if people knew."

Thor nodded. "I will never tell."

"When we all bonded it connected us. We can talk to each other mentally and feel things with each other. We have doors that allow us to keep others out but allow each other into our shields. That's how Loki knew that night to come home. He could feel how upset I was and heard what I had told him."

I swallowed. "After Loki said all that, and Bucky never saying a word against it and asking me to go, they shut their doors on me. I was locked out. They turned away from me and left me all alone. When I got up to leave, they didn't say anything. Never even looked at me. Never said anything about me not even putting on clothes, which told me everything. They no longer wanted me. You know how Loki is about people seeing me that way. And he didn't even care."

Tears started streaming down my face, my heart and soul shattering again.

"I went to my room and locked the door. I spotted Loki's dagger half under my bed where he must have dropped it one night and never picked it back up. I grabbed it and I went to the shower and turned on straight hot water. I was devastated. They promised never to leave me, and then they did. I was alone again. As I had always been, and I was tired of being alone. I took away their doors in my head, made my wall smooth and unbreakable. I added another layer to the wall, making it too thick to break through. I didn't want Wanda picking anything up.

I knew how hot Tony kept the water and I went and sat in the shower, the hot water running over me. It hurt but I didn't really feel it. It was distant. The pain in my heart and soul blocked out all physical pain. I turned the dagger over and over in my hands, my skin starting to blister, and feeling so tired of always being nothing, of being unwanted. Having thought I was loved, wanted, and then having that taken away… I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't keep living a life of being nothing, being alone, being unlovable.

I knew Loki kept his daggers razor sharp. I set the blade to my wrist and sliced as hard as I could. I quickly did the other before my hands stopped working. I watched my blood swirl down the drain for a while, then I just laid down in the hot water and waited for all my pain to stop. To stop being a burden. To just stop being.

It was strange. I seemed to suddenly float over everything, watching. I saw them break down my door. Saw them find me. I saw everything. I had just figured they felt guilty. I was waiting to fully leave when Bruce pulled me back into my body. So, I guess I was my soul or ghost or something. 

I heard everyone talking to me, but I was trapped inside my mind. It had wrapped me up to keep me safe. But in doing that, it made it hard to come back. I heard them say months had passed and I knew I had to fight to come back. I had to apologize. To tell everyone that I was sorry for taking up their time for someone that wasn't worth their time. I finally made it through my mind's barriers and woke up.

And I found myself overwhelmed. There they were. The ones that shattered me. I showed everyone what happened to me. I've never done that to anyone, trusted anyone so much. And it was shoved back at me, not worth even saying goodbye to. My heart that I had entrusted them with, broken and crumbled to dust. To see them again brought every pain back that I had tried to escape. I couldn't bear to look at them. 

I found that I was too scared to speak. Too afraid that if I did, everything would come out and people would hate me even more. So, I never spoke. Until you. You came in and you didn't ask questions, you didn't talk. You just held me. Everyone else had given me awkward hugs. But you held me like I was something special. I didn't feel like a burden to you. So, I spoke. And every hurt feeling came out with it. I've cried more in these last few weeks than I have in my entire life. The more you came around and just gave me quiet support and care, things started to heal. Pieces were put back together. The cracks will always be there, and will never be as strong as I was, but I was starting to become whole again. Become Ariane again. Your quiet love and acceptance saved me."