Save Me From Myself

"Hey." It has been hours. I think the shock is in full course. My mind is a spinning cyclone running rampant and out of control. I haven't said anything since Mykel brought me to the bedroom.

After I collapsed against Mykel he lifted me into his arms and carried me to the couch. I cling to him as once again my childhood comes rushing back like a tsunami. I turned my head which had been pressed into Mykel's shoulder to look at Liz. "I love you." She kissed my forehead. "Do you want a blunt?" She held it up, already lit with a small smile. I took it and slid off Mykel's lap, coming to settle between them. I leaned into Liz needing that maternal embrace she has always provided me. I handed the blunt to Mykel and curled into Liz's side, her arms coming automatically around me, her fingers sliding through my hair. I felt the hot sting of tears that I tried to force back. "Sh, baby, I've got you," Liz whispered to me.

"I didn't know. All these years and I had no idea." I felt my chest tighten. "He was raping her, Liz. He was...I remember hearing her screaming for him to stop, Liz. 'It hurts, Daddy, no' but I always just thought he was beating her...I never knew...I'd sit in that closet and hold my hands over my ears and cry. He got her pregnant, Liz." Liz didn't say anything as my lamentations increased once again as pieces of my childhood were made clearer. "I should have been able to do something."

"It wasn't your fault, Mattie baby. What could you have done locked up in that closet, huh?"

I couldn't speak as tears rushed through me once more. "I should have tried, Liz, I should have tried to do something." She let me cry before gently pushing me back and wiping away any tears. I could see my reflection in her eyes; wide-eyed and not completely there.

"Baby, none of it was your fault. None of it, Mattie."

"Are you sure?"

"God, yes, baby." She wiped my eyes and drew me back into her embrace. "You were just a baby, Mattie. It wasn't your fault."

After the blunt, Liz rolled another and we passed it between us silently, their eyes communicating silent messages about me. I could feel myself slipping deeper into my past and I saw no way to keep the water from going over my head. Liz kept her arms around me, my head resting against her chest, listening to the solid thumping of her heart, and I felt Mykel close behind me, his hand resting lightly against my ribs, his lips brushing behind my ear. I felt them share another look before Mykel kissed that same spot behind my ear again and gently said, "Come on, baby." He moved from behind me to kneel beside me before picking me up, cradling me close against him.

I heard him say something to Liz before he turned to make his way upstairs and into his room. I couldn't bring myself to speak the thoughts running through my head and Mykel didn't press it. Though, eventually, I think my silence became too much for him to bear.

"Hey." He ran his knuckle down my cheek, causing my eyes to travel up to meet his. He smiled the barest smile. In his eyes, I read many things. "I love you."

My lips turned the slightest bit skyward. "I love you, too."

"Liz is right, you know. It wasn't your fault. You couldn't fight them off, baby. Especially when you're locked away."

"I spent so much time blaming her for leaving me there." I closed my eyes as a sob began to choke me.

"I know, baby, but you didn't have all the information. But let me ask you something. Do you still blame her? Now that you know she tried to get you out of there and why she left."

I shook my head. "No, not really. I think a part of me is still angry at her leaving, but at least I understand now."

"And that's an attitude change from before you knew the truth of the matter." I nodded. "Mon bonheur, my love, it's okay to feel like you do. You have to just let yourself go through the motions."

"I'm sick of going through the motions. I just want it to end. I want it all to just fucking end." I felt him tense slightly before relaxing at my words. I knew where his mind went but I kept quiet, burrowing further into him. He wrapped his arms more securely around me and breathed me in. I reveled in the feeling of his safety before finally falling asleep.

"Babycakes, will you please go get the stuff out of the oven?" Liz hollered as I passed her. I smiled and nodded, nodded to the people who were paying for the pastries, and vanished into the back room. It has been a week now that I saw my sister for the first time since I was a kid. Considering that, I think I've done a fairly good job at handling myself. My emotions have been rampant, swinging back and forth like a pendulum, and minus one incident two days ago, I've not had a meltdown. I grabbed the pastries from the oven, the warm aroma of baked goods filling my senses and I smiled. As I handed the order to Liz, bagged and ready to go, I smiled too at her, before making fresh pots of coffee.

Liz had been keeping both her eyes on me lately. Not that I could blame her, but I wanted to be alright. I wanted to show her that I was alright. Show them both. I wanted them to see my progress. I wanted them to be proud of me.

The coffee shop was packed with people happily chatting in pairs or groups, some singles sitting alone enjoying their coffee and a book, or with their headphones on watching their laptops. Some were regulars that lived in town or close by, though most were still in the tourist crowd.

Once the fresh pots were made I made myself busy refilling emptying cups before making my way to the back. I leaned against the freezer door and shut my eyes for a moment. We had been going non-stop since opening this morning and the fatigue was pulling at the corners of my subconscious.

"You okay?" I cracked my eyes at Liz and gave her a half-grin.

"Yeah. Just tired." I didn't add the large crowd was starting to eat at me. While I had come a way in my anxieties in general, crowds still made me nervous.

"It is a big crowd today. But everyone is good for now." She checked her watch. "Amelia should be here soon. When she gets here, go on break. Eat something." She narrowed her eyes at me and I grinned, nodding. I had skipped breakfast, much to Liz's chagrin. She smiled back at me before heading back out front. My eyes slipped closed again and I sighed. I found myself slipping back into old habits. Not eating. Not sleeping. Silently I had been reevaluating my whole life up until this point. What else had been kept from me that held such magnitude in changing my life? All these years...

The guilt was also gnawing at me. I knew logically that I shouldn't be making myself feel guilty about the hostility I carried around me for so long about my sister. Logically I knew there was no way for me to know the truth and that with the knowledge I had at the time, my feelings were justified. However when nighttime fell and my thoughts ran in a steady stream from a broken faucet, logic had no role in my thought process.

Both Mykel and Liz noticed the changes in me since I originally saw my sister walk into Mykel's tattoo shop, and more so since she came to the house. They hadn't said anything to me directly...yet...but I knew that they would soon if I didn't snap out of it.

"Mattie, come on, baby, you were doing so well with it. Don't stop now, love." We were in the bedroom. Mine. I stood center, my arms crossed over my chest like a petulant child. I felt like a petulant child.

"No." I wasn't looking at him.

"Mattie, " he said again, though his tone was different now. Soft, gentle as always, though this time with the slightest bit of impatience. At that moment I knew our paradise was coming to an end. He was already getting tired of me. My heart crumbled at the thought. As he saw the tears slide down my face he rubbed his hands up and down my arms. "Baby, we-"

"No, Mykel. I said no, okay." He stepped one step backward, dropping all contact from me, his eyes slightly widened by my raised voice. "What fucking difference does it really make in the long run, anyway?" I stormed past him, ignoring completely his voice calling my name from behind me as I bolted down the stairs at lightning speed.

Liz was in the kitchen making herself a cup of coffee as I burst through the threshold from the living room. Seeing the look on my face and that I was heading for the door, abandoned her coffee and headed me off at the door, grabbing a hold of me and pulling me to her. She knew then as much as she knows now that I wouldn't fight her. And I didn't. I pulled myself against her, clutching her. I heard Mykel follow me into the kitchen, whatever he was going to say died on his lips as he spotted me there, still inside the house. With my back to him, I was unable to see his expression as he watched his sister do what he desperately wanted to.

"Mykel, what's going on?" Liz asked him as she felt me begin to tremble. I felt her arms tighten around me and her fingers splay through my hair.

I heard him sigh behind me. He sounded frustrated and I burrowed further into her. "I was trying to get him into the shower." His voice, however, held no irritation, only worry. Somehow that made me feel worse.

She gently shushed me, swaying me lightly to get me to calm, and kissed my cheek as she felt wetness on her shoulder. "Maybe you should pick your battles more wisely." To me, she said, "It's cold outside, baby, you don't need to go out there." She kissed me again. "Go to my room, Mattie. Go on." I didn't move from her arms. I didn't want to walk past him. I didn't want to see the look on his face.

I started, jumping slightly when I felt his hand slide across my back. My eyes burned more at his close proximity. I felt his lips against my temple and his breath against my face as he whispered in my ear. "I'm sorry, mon bonheur. I wasn't trying to upset you. Especially like this. I love you." And he was gone, leaving me feeling bereft and hollow.

We stood there a moment longer before Liz dropped her arms from around me, laced our hands together, and led me to her room. "Mattie, baby, what's going on?" she asked me once we were seated on her bed.

I shook my head and bit my lip, failing in my efforts to keep the tears at bay. "I..." I stopped and shook my head, covering my face with my hands. "I'm such a fuck up, Liz. I'm fucking it all up and I know that he's getting tired of me and my bullshit baggage. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. And I'm not getting any better, Liz. How long can I expect him to stick around and deal with this shit?" Liz gathered me against her again as I came undone. "He's going to leave me, Liz. He's going to leave me." Liz didn't argue or speak to the contrary right then, she just held me. Everything was becoming too much. "What's the point, Liz? In anything, what's the point? Why do I try to beat this? Why do I keep fighting?" I paused a long moment before confessing in a choked whisper, "Sometimes I think I would be better off dead. Everyone would be better off."

"God, Mattie, don't talk like that, baby. Don't think like that." I heard the emotion instantly rise in her voice.

"All I do is upset you. And Mykel. I worry you. I run away. I cry all the goddamn time. Aren't you tired of me, Liz? Of this...?" I looked at her then, my eyes pooling and emptying, my expression desperate and pleading.

"No, baby. I'm not tired of you. Or this. I don't mind being your shoulder to cry on. And neither is Mykel. He just wants to help you. We both do. Mykel...can get impatient sometimes...but, despite what it seems like through your point of view, he isn't frustrated at you. He's frustrated at himself because he feels like he's failing you." She hesitated a moment before, "And he's worried, but doesn't know how to bring it up to you."

Playing with the string on the comforter I asked, "Bring what up?"

"That you're thinking about suicide. He told me the other day he knows you're thinking about it." Her voice was low as she spoke.

"Think about it, sure. But not really about committing it...I couldn't do that to him. Or to you."

She smiled sadly. "There isn't much of a difference in his world. He's scared. And when he feels helpless like that, his anger and frustration are typically the first to show itself." I nodded. "He really does love you, " she added as she brought my eyes to meet hers.

"I really love him, too. I'm sorry, Liz."

"For what, baby?"

"For this. For me. For not being better by now." I looked away from her as shame filled my complexion.

"There's no time limit on healing, Mattie."

I sniffled and wiped my face. "I'm so tired, Liz. I'm so fucking tired."

"I know, baby. Come on." She pulled the covers down on the bed. "It's late. Let's get some sleep." While I knew she knew I didn't exactly mean the sleepy kind of tired, I also knew she knew that I hadn't been sleeping or really eating. And while I didn't at the time, she knew that when I fell into this pattern of fasting and fatigue, my emotions ran on overdrive. Liz curled me into her arms and tangled our legs together. I smiled slightly before it slipped away as I imagined Mykel upset and alone upstairs.

My eyes watered against my will and I felt Liz adjust her positioning behind me. "Save me, Mykel. Save me from myself, " I whispered before my eyes slipped closed into slumber.