New Beginnings Pt2

I gasped as I walked into the shop two days before it officially opened. It was a beautiful setup. The front door opened into a large space with a desk that sat upon it a telephone, a lamp, and a large calendar that would be used to make appointments. On the left wall were plastic-clad, hanging posters that you were able to see design samples. Further into the shop was a piercing room and bathroom and directly to the right as you enter was the building, to the right of the desk, Mykel would be doing his tattoos. I looked around, my mouth agape but smiling. "It's beautiful, Mykel."

Mykel smiled an electric smile that made my heart flutter. From behind me, he wrapped his arms around my chest, his arms coming over my shoulders, kissing my cheek. "I'm glad you like it." Mykel nuzzled into my neck. "Though I have to admit, I'm going to miss spending the days with you."

I grinned in spite of myself. I loved Mykel's small attentions, his nuzzles, his small kisses against my neck. The looks he sent and still sends me from across the room. Full of adoration and love. Something that takes me by surprise and stealing my breath each time it was delivered. I love the peace of safety and trust I felt when I relaxed into Mykel's arms. Though still new in my lifetime at that point of darkness, fear, and pain, I knew deep within myself that this feeling would never fade. "You'll be so busy you won't have time to think about missing me," I said, still having trouble accepting Mykel's viewpoint, caught a wave of melancholy at the thought. Mykel sighed, though not in annoyance, and disentangling himself from me, slowly spinning me around.

Placing his fingertips against my cheek, I looked up and met his gaze. Mykel looked at me with a serious expression, his gentle touch in contrast to the look in his eyes. "You're wrong." He kissed me again. "I always miss you. I always think about you. Whenever we're apart I feel this ache here," he put my hand over his heart, "until finally, I'm able to take you in my arms again." I smiled even as my eyes pooled. "I love you, mon bonheur." Mykel smiled a slow, sultry smile and kissed me again, padding away the moister gathered on my cheeks.

"I love you too." He smiled again, his eyes roaming the start of a future he'd worked so hard to launch.

"You really like it?" He looked almost bashful as he looked at me and I couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped me. I kissed him gently, a smile still adorning my cheeks.

"I really like it. It's beautiful. And so very much you." In decoration, he had geisha women paintings displayed behind their fans in some sense. Also in decoration one wall was painted in a mural was a scene of good versus evil, where Native American spirits of Earth with whom were engaged in a heavy battle with their enemies. I touched a river spirit lightly wishing I could seep some courage through his fierce eyes into my heart. My heart fluttered. Mykel gently grasped my hand and kissed the knuckles he held there.

"Are you hungry, my love?" He pulled me into him and I came into his arms willingly.

I nodded against his chest, my arms circling around his waist. I listened to his heartbeat, allowing it to lull me into a calm serenity; my shoulders relaxed.

He kissed my temple as he held me swaying in his shop. "You okay, baby?"

I shrugged. "Yeah. I just woke up weird this morning." I smiled at him. "I'll be fine." I didn't want to mention it to him then, but when I had woken up that morning I had been dreaming of my sister and it had plunged me into a private tailspin where all my fears and anxieties became heightened and boiling out of control. "I could use some food, I'm sure. I haven't really eaten yet." Mykel narrowed his eyes disapprovingly. While my eating habits had improved at this point, whenever I become too overwhelmed, my appetite is the first thing to disappear on me.

"Come on. Let's get you fed." He locked the shop door behind us, a smile still solidly on his face and we walked to his car, his hand lightly guiding against my lower back.

He took me to a cozy dinner in a nook of a restaurant. Low lighting from above with soft candles on the tables. I hadn't told him about the dreams and knew he was wondering why I was so withdrawn that day. He hadn't asked but he'd kept a closer eye on me. We talked through dinner; Mykel making an obvious effort to keep my mind from the dark thoughts he knew were looming. And with great success. He had me laughing despite myself, and despite myself found myself having a good night out. We finished our meal and we headed home. I blushed like a schoolgirl as he walked me to the passenger side and opened my door for me.

People, in my opinion, don't pay enough attention to the little things. They concentrate on the big things; holidays, birthdays--days of obligation to show affection. But the little moments are what bring it together. The small shows of tenderness. Looks and smiles, soft caresses. Opening a car door. We didn't speak much on the drive home, but the silence between us was comfortable. The radio played and I lost myself in Mykel's voice as he sang along with each tune.

When we got home I saw that Liz's car wasn't present. I frowned. "Is Liz still at the shop?" Liz was supposed to accompany us, as planned, to see Mykel's new tattoo parlor, however, at the last moment had to fill in for someone. "No. She's out with a girlfriend tonight. A girl's night out kinda thing."

We entered the house, our movements echoed in the quiet of the evening. Mykel wrapped his arms around me from behind, nuzzling into my neck with a soft kiss and a smile. My arms circled around his, my head automatically leaning into his shoulder, my body relaxing against his. To the best of my ability I tried to concentrate on him and the moment we were in. The lovely evening I knew he had planned. I closed my eyes and focused on feeling him. His arms around me. His breath tickling my neck. The weight of his chin resting on my shoulder. The relaxation that overcame me as he gently swayed us back and forth. Affably he began to sing in my ear and I couldn't help but smile. I felt all my stresses begin to melt away as the vibrations of his voice echoed throughout my being. How I wished that I could leave everything before he and Liz for the birds, never having to conjure their memories from the depths of my nightmares and relive it all once more.

Since that night we first admitted to feelings of love for each other it hadn't been repeated much before we were in the shop. And when he did finally say it again I felt something shift. Many times had I wanted to tell him, but every time I convinced myself to keep my mouth shut. My chaotic brain also swirled with possibilities of why he hadn't repeated those three words again. And then as he spoke I felt a crack deepen in the defenses I had myself wrapped around in.

"I love you, mon bonheur." I smiled as my eyes watered. Damn it. For a moment I was glad I was faced away from him, not thinking about that even so, he could still see my face. "Why tears, my sweet?"

I shook my head slightly, declining to answer for the tears. "I love you, too." I turned into him then, my face burrowing into his neck and shoulder while my arms wound around his center.

"What's the matter, huh? You've been upset all day." We stood in the living room with his arms wrapped around me as he slowly rocked us back and forth.

My tears, short-lived as they were, were drying on my face, my eyes staring sightlessly toward the front window. "Just bad dreams. I'm sorry. I don't want to mess everything up tonight."

He kissed my temple gently shushing me. "Hush now, baby. You haven't messed up anything." I shrugged as I pulled back from him, and turning took my place on the couch. Mykel followed suit and opened his arms and I immediately went to them. No more tears fell but I could feel them close to the surface. "You wanna talk about it, hm?" I shook my head, pushing myself further into his hold.

"Can you just hold me, Mykel?" I asked him, my voice a strained whisper.

"Always. You wanna watch something for a distraction, or just stay like this?"

I tightened my grip on him. "Please don't let me go."

"I'd never let you go, Mattie," he told me. My lips pulled upward for a short-lived, very sad smile.

"I hope not." He didn't comment on that last but instead kissed my forehead, inhaling me in a steadying breath. He'd never say as much, especially then when everything was new and uncertain; but my doubts about him at that point hurt him. I knew even then that he didn't blame me for my fears, doubts, and anxieties, but to an extent, I knew about the pang in his chest whenever my doubts showed. He knew and knows that it wasn't a slandering of his character in my head, but the thought of me thinking he'd hurt me hurt him. And I hated myself for hurting him even by proxy, but I couldn't quell the lessons of my past.

"You'll understand someday, mon bonheur."

"Understand what?" I asked him not quite catching his meaning.

He pushed lightly with soft yet firm hands by my shoulders, guiding my vision to meet his. "That I only want to make you happy. That I'm not gonna hurt you. That I'm not going to leave you." He caressed his thumb along my cheekbone and leaned in for the barest kiss.

"Promise?"

"I do. I'll be right back." He kissed me again with a smile and turned toward the kitchen but faced me once more when I called his name. He looked at me questioningly, his eyebrow quirked upward.

"It's um...kinda warming up now...and well...I was thinking that...maybe...well maybe that we could go to that place we watched the meteor shower? Is...is that okay?"

Mykel smiled lightly and nodded. "Yeah, if that's what you wanna do, love."

We hadn't been back to that spot since that night, as the nights kept getting colder. But as spring began to show signs of awakening, and the nights began to get warmer, I felt a calling for the peace that cliff brought me. "Can we roll up a few maybe? Pack a couple blankets like last time?"

Mykel smiled. "As you wish, mon bonheur." I smiled brightly at him and nodded, biting my lower lip slightly. He returned the smile before dipping his head down and capturing my lips with his. "Do you mind if we smoke a couple before we leave?" I shook my head. I didn't mind. Mykel has always been leery of smoking weed in the car and rarely does.

Quietly he began rolling, his eyes pointed on the task at hand, but I could see he was on autopilot. His concentration was far away and into the past. My past. He wanted to ask me to tell him what had me all out of sorts today. Again. He'd asked me twice already throughout the day, and I knew it frustrated him when I shut down and shut out. He hadn't much pushed me to get me to talk, but lightly prodding to see if he could get me to spill whatever it was that was on my mind. But I wouldn't right then and he knew that it was futile to attempt it, but it didn't stop him from trying. It's how he shows he cares. He's gruff on the outside with finely toned and sculpted arms and legs, covered in tattoos. His eyes have a steely look if you can't see past the initial front of a don't fuck with me attitude. I noticed when we went places people tended to steer clear of him, walking in wide circles around him to avoid getting in his way. There had been times when I had caught a few people giving me a sympathetic look as I walked next to him. As if by his looks they determined that he was everything he wasn't, as if he were the kind of person I knew in my former life. I always smile at them when I notice and catch his hand in mine, squeezing the slightest bit of pressure. When I do he always looks at me, whatever outer mask he's wearing slips away with swift ease, and the way he looks at me, the smile he sends only to me, the soft love that fills his expression as our eyes meet always makes my heart flutter. And as he turns back to whatever he was doing, after squeezing my hand in return, I look back to that unneedingly sympathetic stranger and smile at them, knowing they saw the display, the look of love in his smile and in his eyes.

Don't judge a book by its cover my eyes always warn. He's the best man I've ever known. Mykel never seems to notice these judgemental strangers and if he does, does a great job of not in the least bit acknowledging their existence. But the reality of it is and was that he's a teddy bear. Though one with sharp claws when extended. I watched him roll the last one for the road before lighting one and drawing a long hit from it. He held the hit, leaned back, exhaled, and dropped his head onto the back of the couch, took another hit, and passed it to me. We sat there like that, my legs curled under me, my knee resting against the top of his leg. I closed my eyes as I inhaled the smoke, feeling his eyes come to rest on my face. I attempted to staunch the blush that made its way up my neck and face, but I utterly failed. "What?" I asked as my face reddened even more so.

He chuckled. "What? I can't just look at you?"

I shrugged looking away. "I guess." I couldn't help the smile that shyly spread across my face.

"Hey." I looked at him. He was closer to me than a moment ago. Lightly he cupped my cheek and kissed me. "Have I told you lately how beautiful you are?" He chuckled as my face went from red to purple. I shook my head, unable to speak. "Then I'm a fool that begs your forgiveness. You are beautiful, Mattie. So very beautiful." He traced his fingertips along my jawline. "And I do love you, you know."

I giggled. Fucking giggled. And buried my face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and I heard him chuckle at my ridiculousness before he kissed the side of my head. I heard him relight the blunt above me and I simply breathed him in like he breathed in the smoke.

When we got to the cliff it was well after dark, and though my mood had been somewhat lifted by earlier events at home (he always makes me smile...especially when I don't want to) the thoughts of my nightmares began to climb back to the forefront of my mind. He understood and gave me space on the way there, allowing me time to process. At some point, I took his hand in mine and didn't let it go until he'd shut off the engine once we'd arrived. Without a word, Mykel gathered the blankets, spread one out, then gathered me against him before wrapping us both in the other two blankets.

"This what you had in mind?" he asked softly against my ear. I turned sideways into him, my head against his chest, my arms wrapping around his waist. He held me closer still, his lips pressing against my head. I nodded. "What's the matter, mon bonheur?" he asked me gently.

I bit my lip but didn't answer. I was so sick of breaking down at any corner. Melting down at the slightest bit of a shifting in moods. At the slightest remembrance from whence, I came. The hole I dragged myself out of. The hell my sister left me to. "Don't you ever get tired of it, Mykel?"

His hand that was combing through my hair hesitated the slightest bit before continuing its path. "Tired of what, baby?"

"This. Me. Always fucking crying. Always freaking out. Always something fucking wrong. I wanted this to be a good day. You know? I've been looking forward to seeing your shop forever and I feel like I just...brought a black cloud over everything and everyone. How do you have so much patience for my goddamned baggage?" I hadn't yet shed a tear, my voice a mixture of knife's edge and unraveling completely.

"Because I love you, Mattie. I can't ever say that I understand what you've been through. But I understand, my love, that while you were going through it, and for some time after you escaped that place, you were alone. You had no one to talk to. No one to express yourself to.

"No one to hold you through it. And I also understand that I have accepted whatever may happen as far as your particular moods, and while sometimes I don't fully understand the meaning behind them, I don't love you less because of them. Nor does it or anything diminish the extent of how I feel for you, or the lengths that I would go to make you feel safe. Be it taking you here and holding you like this, or whatever it is we're doing. If you're upset about nightmares, it's okay to show me you're upset. It's okay to tell me. It's okay not to tell me. It's okay to cry and wail against my shoulder without any explanation as to why. It won't make me tired of you. It'll make me, to some extent happy if, for no other reason than you're finally beginning to allow yourself to heal. And allowing someone in, even if it's just to hold you, is a big step to healing. But more than all of that, I love you."

"Can I ask you something?" I asked him.

"Anything."

"Why haven't you really told me that again before today? That night when Liz and I were on the couch. And you told me you love me. Why haven't you really told me again much before now?" I couldn't keep the hurt and fear of the answer from my voice. "I mean...I know I didn't either, but I was scared to say it again."

"Why?"

"You first," I countered.

There was a pause and for a moment I thought he wasn't going to answer. "There's something I haven't told you." I didn't respond, just waited for him to continue speaking. "A little over a year after Kaiden died I met someone. Logan. He was charming and good-looking. Not long after the six-month mark, I told him I loved him. And I guess in a way..." he shrugged and kept talking, "anyway, he said it back and all was groovy. Come to find out he'd been cheating on me since the get-go. And...when I caught him he just...laughed. 'You really think I could love you? You give good tattoos though and really good head.' When he said that he looked at his arm which I had almost sleeved for him for free. He told me that no one would ever really love me. I had told him some about Kaiden...he said that Kaiden didn't even love me enough to care to live. And it isn't that I think you're anything like him, or that it would have the same outcome...but my doubts about myself began to creep up...and...it scared me." He kissed me. "I'm sorry, mon bonheur."

"That's it? I mean...it wasn't because of me?" I knew he heard the worry in my tone as he tightened his grip around me.

"No, baby."

"I didn't say it because I didn't want to say it 'cause if you were having doubts, I wouldn't want you to feel obligated to say it back. I'd rather not hear it than it be false." Somehow my voice remained mostly steady, but still, I tightened my grip the least bit more. He responded in kind, kissing my shoulder.

"I'd never say it if I didn't mean it. Not really. I think with him it was...not really a rebound so to speak...there were feelings there...honestly I just try to pretend that time period never happened. But that isn't something you need to worry about, mon bonheur. I do love you. I'm sorry I haven't told you." He sounded upset. I hadn't meant to do that and I told him so. "Still," he argued, "I shouldn't allow my insecurities to get in the way of things. None of that was your fault. Some years before I knew you existed. I shouldn't bring out your fears with mine." I knew just by the tone of his voice that this was something that had previously been on his mind.

"With all the fears and insecurities I let leak between us, I think this one is allowed."

"It's different," he countered.

"No, it isn't. Just because you didn't go through what I did doesn't make your fears, traumas, anxieties, and insecurities less valid or any less real than mine. Betrayal is never easy. Just...try and talk to me about it. And I'll make the same attempt...I know I hold everything in and I'm sorry, but I'm trying to do better."

He kissed the side of my cheek. "You are doing better at talking. I know it's hard, but you're talking more through things. Some things take more time to process...you don't have to rush yourself. Why were you afraid to tell me?" he added after a pause.

"Because I was scared you'd changed your mind. And that you were...I don't know..." I shrugged.

"That I was what, my sweet?"

I didn't look at him buried as I was into his chest. "Realizing what I've said all along is true. That you'll figure out I'm not worth all this effort. That you'll leave. That I'll be right back where I started from. That you don't love me as much as you think you might. And if it was true..." I scooted myself closer to him then if that were possible; to both chase away the cold night and my fears.

"I'm sorry, Mattie. I'm not going anywhere, my love. As long as you'll have me I'll be by your side. And for the rest of my life, I swear to you, with every breath I draw in I'll fall that much more in love with you." I smiled brightly as I sat up. My hands rested against his chest and I leaned forward to kiss his lips. "I love you, Mattie."

I kissed him again through our smiles. As I looked him in the eyes I knew that the path I had to travel would be a difficult one and I still had some ways to go, but that also, even with the ghosts of my past haunting me, this life I'd found with Mykel and Liz was the beautiful new beginning I'd always hoped for.