Lack of Self-Discipline

How many times have I failed to accomplish my goals? How many years have I spent with the same to-do list? What excuses have I made to avoid accountability? How many times have I given up because instant gratification triumphed over genuine success?

I've given up a lot.

Sometimes I start strong and maintain it for a few weeks. Two months has been the longest I've ever been able to maintain a disciplined routine. And even then it wasn't true discipline because I didn't have a bright and confident outlook towards achieving my goal. I viewed it as a burden.

Naturally, I failed.

This is my major problem.

Anytime I start a practice to better myself, my psychological fortitude is very weak and malnourished. Impoverished with ignorance. I always create a time restriction that simply isn't plausible.

Bad habits accumulated over years don't break in a few months.

Yet, I keep trying to do the same thing over and over again. The idea of a long haul makes me feel lazy and unfocused. Much like how unhealthy food and alcohol gives you that feel-good boost instantly, I seek this from other aspects of my life.

If it seems like a long run, I give up.

I make excuses to make myself feel better. I tell myself it was a stupid goal to begin with. That just because I'm failing in little ways doesn't mean the mission isn't still ongoing. I grow lenient and create new conditions that allow me to venture away from my original goal, all the while deceiving myself into thinking that I haven't already raised that white flag.

Then I'm out of control and all the bad habits come back with a vengeance!

Five months later, I'm back at it again. It's been this way for years. Since 8th grade. When I was 14 years old, the worst of my characteristics set in and I still haven't managed to shake them off as a 26 year old.

I grew up selfish and hard working and now I'm simply selfish and lazy.

I had determination and now I have excuses.

I always lacked innate kindness, unfortunate side effect of being a narcissist, and now I have to remind myself all day everyday to not be a bitch. Just because I'm frustrated with myself over my lack of self-discipline doesn't mean I can show up to work in a crappy mood.

Whatever rot lays within, there is a time and place for it. When it comes to being around people I have to lock it up and smile.

I have to be a sensible adult.

Only emotionally underdeveloped people cannot lock away their emotions when their focus is needed elsewhere.

You can't dwell on your personal failures at work. You have to work and you have to do it well.

After all, you're getting paid.

I don't get paid to dwell in my depression but I do it anyway. Why, I wonder? Why do I invest so much time into a task that garners me nothing? 

It's because I lack discipline.

If I had it, I would banish these useless thoughts and focus on self-development. Instead, I sit here and dwell and dwell until night turns into day. 

I strive for success and inner peace, instead I live a life of bitterness, emptiness and instant comfort. 

Discipline just won't stick. I can't keep it in my grasp. 

I blame myself for letting it get this bad.