Where are you when i need you?

All that could be heard in my room was the repeated sounds of the button's being pressed relentlessly. The only thing distinguishable was the body of a small and frail teenage girl, me, staring at the screen, the only light in my room. I had been sitting there for hours playing without a single break at those silly games known for making the children more stupid than they already are. But clearly it didn't matter to me because all i wanted and needed was to escape the real world. That world that had taken the most precious thing away from me much earlier than it should have. I had lost my other half long ago yet it still weighted greatly on my mind.

Suddenly someone knocks at the door. But I decide to ignore it as usual.

- Could you please try to come out of your room for a moment? Me and your father have something important to discuss with you.

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I then take off my gaming headphones to better hear her words.

- I'm kinda busy right now. Can it wait a bit?

-Alright but please come join us in the living room after.

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-sure

I then go back to my video game trying not to overthink about what my mother could possibly want to tell me. It sounded bad. She never dares to bother me unless it's time to eat but even then she never really insisted and ended up simply putting my plate in front of my door.

« YOU LOSE »

- Shit

I then get up from my chair that had been sit on for so long that you could see the shape of my body on it. I light up a small light in front of my mirror and arrange my bangs making sure they are hiding my eyes. It was my way of protecting myself from making eye contact with them. Those soft brown hair were my shield protecting me from the gaze of others. From the gazes of their deepest thoughts.

I then open the door to my room only to be blinded by the light hanging on the ceiling right outside my door, it's almost as if it was put here on purpose. After finally adapting to the change of scenery, I join my patents to the living room passing by the room with her name written on it.

« ALYSSA & ANNA »

How I missed her... I wonder what she would think of me if she saw how I get everytime I see that name.

I continue my walk until I arrive to my destination, where they were waiting for me. As soon as I arrived I noticed the disappointed face of my father.

-Weren't you wearing the same clothes last time I saw you? Did you even think to change for the past week?

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I began trembling. When I was outside my room it felt like I had lost my home, the only thing that was protecting me from the terrible voices of their heart.

- I'm sorry

He lets out a scuff making his disappointment clear and obvious. Now it was her wife's turn to open to speak.

- Now dear won't you take a seat?

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I then carefully walk my way to the sofa facing them. What could she possibly need to say that could be worth making me step outside my room?

- We think that it's time we finally move on and so we've decided that we are going to clean Alyssa's room. I know you probably won't like this decision but we need the space and it's unhealthy for us including you.

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- What?

- I hope you can understand that this is for the best.

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This couldn't be possible. It feels like they just want to get rid of her. How could they? And am I supposed to pretend I'm okay with that? Her name standing on that door was my reminder that my twin sister had in fact existed and that she mattered.

- Why? Why do you need the space?

Even I was surprised when I realized I had said this out loud. The unintended hint of anger in my voice was enough to make my aunt shut up but it could never be enough to impress him.

- Your aunt needs the space for her recipe books and I need it for my collections

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That's it? This is all just for some books and car collection stuff. Some useless shit they should have thrown away long ago but they decide to throw her stuff away instead. I never really liked them especially since the death of my twin sister but now I had found a reason to hate them. But this I could never say to their faces. I'm scared of what their souls might end up saying this time, though I doubt my mother's soul will ever change from her classic apology. It was the same ever since my sister died. I mean it's not like I could tell before she died, after all I only gained the ability to hear the voices of their soul since her death. Why did everything have to go wrong after she left me?

- I... I'll check through her stuff later.

-Alright

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No matter how angry I was I couldn't bring myself to say the words out loud, I mean I can barely make eye contact with them. If only I wasn't so scared of everything. If only.

I force my body to get up from the old green sofa and bring itself to my room knowing that hers was on the way. The room that I had never dared to enter ever since she died. The same name that used to bring me comfort was still hanging on the door, but now all I could feel upon looking at it was regret.

« ALYSSA »

I then keep walking towards my room. The one thing in this house that was yet untouched by them. My oasis in this  desert.

As soon as I had opened the door, I immediately jumped in the bed and crushed a pillow on my face as the tears were already beginning to slip out. The bad thoughts were starting to infiltrate my head and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

"Why did you have to be the one to die?"

"If only I could join you."

"I need you so bad."

"You were the best one out of the two. You're smarter and more mature than me."

"You should be alive."

"Am I the only one that cares about you?"

"I don't how to live without you."

"Please come back."

"I'm scared of forgetting you."

More and more tears were filling my eyes as those thoughts kept repeating themselves in my head. I hated feeling so powerless to everything. I wasn't able to do anything when she died and now I couldn't even stand up to the ones who raised me when they were about to erase any trace of her existence. All I wanted was to courage to make it stop.

-Alyssa... Where are you when I need you?