Back then
There I was standing in front of her room trembling from everywhere. As I was about to reach for the door knob, I realised that after I open this door there would be no coming back. This action would surely result into me saying my last goodbyes to her. I then started mumbling myself afraid to regret what I was about to do.
-oh Alyssa...
I then tried to convince myself that even more regrets would come if I didn't open this door before my parents did. Today was my last chance and I didn't want to miss it. Truthfully this isn't really her room since we actually used to share our room after all we were inseparable back then. After taking a deep breath I put my hand on the door knob and slowly turned it revealing her room from when we were kids, when we were happy...
-oh god
It still looked the exact same way it did when we were young. Every toy that were laying around on the ground the day she died were still in that exact same position. The two beds sitting besides eachother reminds me of how often we used to put them together so they could form one big bed. All the memories were coming back to me. The memories of her smile being the most beautiful thing in the world. The room also had a nostalgic scent to it, the scent of our childhood. I thought I could still hold back the flow of emotions until my eyes laid upon something I had never seen before laying on her bed. I sit on the bed and carefully take it into my hands to examine it thoroughly. It was a handmade gift from my sister accompanied by a card scribbled with her messy handwriting. That's right she died the day before our birthday and I remember how she used to always give me something on our birthday. Back then, I would always look forward for her next surprise she had prepared for me. She always said that it was her responsibility to make me a gift since she was the older one. She was always there to make sure I couldn't feel lonely.
-I miss you so much that sometimes I wonder what reason I have left to not join you.
My mind had stopped to grow up the day she died. No matter how many years had passed I was still the little girl looking for her big sister's comfort, for her sweet words of love. I was stuck in this tragedy of a childhood.
I then finally muster up the courage to read the letter she had intended to offer me all those years ago.
«Dear sister I love you. Happy birthday!!! I made sure to make you a very special gift this year. I hope you like it. The gift I made you is something that you can hug when I'm not there.»
I then put the letter against my chest as the tears kept falling out of my control. The truth is that I was scared of growing up alone.
As I hear someone open the door of her room my tears suddenly stopped making sure they wouldn't be seen by anyone. It was my aunt with plastic garbage bags ready to throw everything out.
- Oh, am I interrupting you? I can come back later if you want.
-no it's fine.
I then quickly barge out of the room with the handmade gift that I couldn't bring myself to leave behind. I tried to hurry back to my room making sure to check every corner before turning them so I wouldn't meet my uncle on the way, he was the last person I wanted to see. He would never miss an opportunity to complain about every time something I did displeased him and he particularly hated it when I showed him any kind of emotion. As soon as I had arrived to my destination I closed the door and closed all the lights except the one by my bedside. I then put on my head phones before diving into my bed still holding the gift. Slowly but surely I can feel my mind succumbing to a deep slumber under my dirty covers.
The classical music ringing in my hears were my sole reminder that I could be freed from the regrets that kept haunting me ever since that fateful day. I could still smell the odor of sweat and feel the heat of the spots shining upon us as I was holding her hand. Those frail hands covered in blood.
-Alyssa!
That woman crying out her name was my mother running to the stage as fast as she could. It's like she was trying to catch the metal rods before they would inevitably fall on her but we all knew that it was to late for that and all we could do was hope and call for help.
-Anna... Mom, it hurts... I'm scared
-Mom what do we do?! Please mom help her!
-Dont worry the ambulance will be here soon. You're gonna be just fine Alyssa.
I can't help but keep on crying as I am holding her hand that would soon become heavier and be completely rid of life.
27th JULY 2014
The date was engraved on her grave to remain forever unchanged. There was nothing to be done anymore. She was gone. My best friend, my hero and most of all my twin sister.
What am I supposed to do without her? I always depended on her. She was the one who kept me grounded. She's the on that would help me whenever I got to nervous to speak, she's the one that would always listen to me when I had something to ramble about, she's the one who showed me the exemple. Shes the one I looked up to... But now I was looking up at her hoping she was happy out there in the sky where her soul was resting hopefully in peace.
Suddenly everything was collapsing around me. The stage and the people were disappearing leaving me all alone in this dark place.
-Alyssa? Where are you? I need you! Please I'm really scared of the dark! Alyssa!!
The uncontrollable tears were covering my small face. I was back to being my 14 years old self. I used to be such a crybaby but I guess that I never really changed in that aspect...
I suddenly wake up gasping for air and sweating from everywhere. I felt like a dog in heat unable to control itself as i was desperately searching for air. After a couple of minutes I had finally recovered from the panic, as usual. Ever since she died, I've been having nightmares about her every night. It was near impossible for me to ever get a good night's sleep after which I wouldn't feel tired at my waking. I then check on my phone: 11:23 P.M
I decided to get up and turn on my computer hoping to escape my reality through video games. In this little room of mine the outside didn't matter because the windows were always covered making it impossible for the sun to shine inside. In this room, I decide when it's time to sleep or eat. Other than that I usually spend the whole time gaming alone in my room.