Connecting with her pain

"Why did you marry me Regan?"

He turned around to see her. Her questioning gaze penetrated his heart. There were many things which she was unknown about. He wanted to tell her everything but something held him back.

"You said that you won't go against my wishes. You won't do anything against my will. Then why did you agreed for this arrangement? Why did you marry me against my will?"

The questions that were constantly buzzing in her mind, she finally asked them. She could feel his love. She could see the sincerity behind his every word, but somehow his actions didn't match his words. She wanted to know why she was forced into that arrangement. She knew that he loved her, but was that reason enough for him to marry her?

"You said you love.....you love me. Was it the reason that you... or am I just an imposition on you?"

Regan frowned on hearing her. He couldn't understand why and how did the thought of her being an imposition on him crossed her mind. He immediately walked towards her to clear her misunderstanding. But before he could speak, she spoke again.

"You said you are willing to give me the time I need to commit in this relationship. What if I wouldn't be able to do that? What if I wouldn't be able to reciprocate your feelings? What if....."

Regan cut her off. He held her shoulders and looked deep into here eyes.

"We can't live our lives with 'what ifs' Anna. I know you have a past which you are yet to overcome. I don't exactly know what happened with you to make you like this, but you aren't alone anymore. I am here. Let me stand by your side and lead you back where you can be happy again. I want you to be happy."

"I wasn't like this before. I used to be happy Regan. And the reason of my happiness was Ashton." His name came out of her lips in a whisper but he heard it anyway.

Regan had confessed his love for her only once, but those few moments and words made her realize her importance in his life. She didn't have any idea of the reason behind all that happened to change their lives, but looking at the present situation, owing to their relationship and her past, she knew that her actions would hurt him at times. She had never talked about her past with Ashton, but she wanted him to know that she was still tied with him in an unbreakable bond which could not just break with their new found relationship.

Wedding. Marriage. Those words always held a sacred place in her heart. She had seen her parents and felt their love at every moment during their existence. She was quite young when they died. Although she never really thought of getting into a relationship or marriage bond, she wanted a happy married life with love and admiration for her partner just like her parents had for each other. Her every thought and dream seemed to come true when Ashton came into her life.

Regan was looking at her to continue. She turned around and went to the window looking at the dazzling night sky.

"Three years back, I had a happy life. I had never thought that my life would take such a drastic turn one day. I was always shielded by my parents but lost them. I was miserable in their absence not knowing what to do when dad held my hand and shielded me again with his love. I was doing fine but something was missing. Then he came into my life and filled it with his colors and happiness. I was ecstatic to have him. He once promised to protect me from all the evils of the world...and he did that with his life." Her voice cracked but she continued. "We were happy together. Everyone was. But one day everything changed. He left me...making me void of all the love that he filled in me. He was the reason of my happiness, my existence. But he took away everything with him."

Her vision blurred due to the tears but she didn't stop. She turned around to find Regan standing exactly behind her. She looked into his eyes intending to continue but the pain that they contained filled his own heart with immeasurable pain.

"He was killed Regan." A sob escaped her lips but she continued. "Because of me. I was there...looking at him.....helpless and miserable...seeking out for help from someone to save him but no one came. He protected me. I wasn't killed but something inside me died that day when I saw him counting his last breaths. He wanted to shield me from the evil but while doing so, he lost his own life and left me forever. Dad and Emily always wanted me to forget about my past and move on, but I could never do so. Do you know why?" She shook her head with teary eyes. "It's because I had nothing left in me to give to anyone. I didn't want to be with you because I know I won't be able to give you back the love and commitment that you deserve. A part of my heart has gone with him and a part will always keep him alive. That's why, I wanted to be away from you because I know my incapability to love anymore. Its because I am scared. I haven't overcome my past. One of the reason behind it is that I haven't overcome my fear yet. The fear of losing the people I love."

She looked down not able to look into his eyes.

"Standing here like this, being your wife, I feel like I have betrayed him. I feel like I'm betraying you too Regan. I am sorry for being like this. I am sor....."

He took her in his arms. He had refrained to do so while she talked about her past. Her every word pierced his heart. He knew she had suffered but for the first time, he was feeling her pain. He always felt that his soul was connected to hers to have that unexplainable bond of love with her, but for the first time, he felt connected with her pain. Then and there he realized that he didn't only need to help her to overcome her sorrowful past but also her fears that had somewhere seeped deep in her heart. The fear and pain of losing her beloved. He held her tightly to stop her to continue while she too accepted his warmth.

She sobbed into his chest unceasingly, with her hands clutching his shirt. He held her in silence, rocking her slowly, caressing her hair, as her tears soaked his chest. She pulled away, blinking her lashes that were heavy with tears. She couldn't stop her tears from falling. Her body was trembling. It was the first time that she talked about her past with anyone. She wanted to tell him everything but couldn't as it was already too much for her. Her pain was still like an open wound and she had no idea when it would heal and how. Her muffled sobs wracked against his chest once again. Gradually, her vision turned into blur with all the other sounds. The painful emotions slammed hard into her heart and she lost the feeling of feeling. Everything darkened as she passed into the oblivion of unconsciousness.

Regan stood there enveloping her tightly in his embrace. He knew she was broken but witnessing it with his own eyes teared his heart too. He realized it when he felt a tear that slipped from his own eye. When he felt her going stiff in his arms, he carried her and gently laid her on the bed. He took her hand in his and kissed her palm bringing it to his forehead. Her sobs had definitely died down but her tear stained face was the evidence of the turmoil that she went through. He changed her dress and cleaned her as gently as he could as if she would break anytime.

This time, instead of making any promises to her, he kissed her temple and slipped beside her into the bed taking her again in his embrace as if she would elope anytime. This time, there were no silent promises. There was determination in his eyes. The determination to bring her every missing part together, no matter how broken or scattered they were. The determination of a new dawn, to give her everything that she deserved. The determination to wipe away the traces of all the fears and pain that had trapped her heart and the determination to love her with his entire being until she relearn to fall in love again.