the first best day

Living with Nsemeke was a double-edged sword.

Yes, he got to see Nsemeke not just at the garage, but at home, during breakfast, in the shower. He got to walk home with him on the days they both stayed late at the garage, which was a lot of the time. 

On the other hand, they lived in a house with other guys, two of whom were older than Andem and also alphas. He had to do something about it… stake his claim or whatever. Just get his roommates to stop. Trying. To. Touch. Nsemeke.

He had no idea what it was about Nsemeke. Andem had been crushing on him for months. It was no surprise that he would want to spend every waking moment with Nsemeke. However, he couldn't understand why everyone seemed to feel the same way. Steven was always in Nsemeke's bed, talking to him, getting him to open up, delving into Nsemeke's bags without a care, like he wanted to know Nsemeke.

And then there was Rotimi, whom Nsemeke was actively trying to avoid. Always with snacks or drinks or TV show recs that he thought Nsemeke would be interested in.

Between Steven and Rotimi, Andem wasn't getting the space he'd thought he'd have with Nsemeke moving into the dorm with them and it sucked.

Vexxed, Andem avoided them all, practically moving into the box-room to spare himself all that was going on in the other room. If he blocked his ears with headphones and studied, he'd get better and he'd also get to forget that Nsemeke was still nothing but a far-off dream. 

That evening, as he settled in on a mat, having made a wide area for himself in the room, he was surprised when Chima opened the door and frowned down at him like he hadn't expected to find Andem there.

"What is it?" Andem asked. He wasn't in the mood to attend to anyone. He was trying to keep himself from getting irritated over everything. The last thing he wanted was for Chima to get in his face for no reason.

"Nothing," Chima grumbled, entering the room with his mat as he set about stacking away more boxes to make his own space on the other side of the room, farther away from the mirror and Andem. 

Turning the page of the book, he tried to block Chima out.

"Jimmy's got you reading on sexuality and genders, eh?"

"Thanks to you," Andem replied, lowering the book so that he could glare at Chima.

Chima just sat there, head against the wall and eyes closed as if he wasn't trying to destroy Andem's brain with his flimsy statement.

"I couldn't let your bigotry affect us in the field."

"My bigotry?" Andem asked, sitting up in indignation.

"This isn't even about you."

"You're running to our trainers to report me for things I can't change about myself so I'll say a tiny bit of it at least, is about me."

Sighing, Chima raised his head and looked over at Andem.

"Do you think the people who will hire Riddim for a job would care that Riddim's agents are alphas?"

"That's not-"

"Your foolishness is holding you back. You could be a good agent, but a good agent is a blank slate. You are too busy idling in your personal identity to understand that."

Andem got to his feet in anger, fuming and clenching his fist so tight he was beginning to lose feeling from his wrist down.

"This," he said through clenched teeth. "Is none of your business."

"Um…" Chima pursed his lips. "That's where you're wrong. Eteli put me in charge. How my teammates perform is my business. If you're going to go into the field with every bit of emotional baggage, then it's my job to tell Jimmy."

"You're talking to him about things that you don't even want to understand."

"Olodo," Chima scoffed, leaning back on the wall as he closed his eyes again.

Andem pounced, dragging Chima by the collar as he punched him in the face but Chima just shifted, causing the punch to lose its trajectory as Andem's fist collided with the wall. His whole body shot into tense pain as he froze from the shock. Chima just shoved him back on the ground before sitting and looking at Andem.

"I live with you," Chima said. "I can see things that Jimmy cannot see. I know you're too busy struggling with a lot. It's affecting your sample assessment. It's affecting your work in the garage. It's affecting your powers. How the fuck did I just best a speedster? You're so tense and afraid that you can't do shit right."

Fighting back tears, Andem used his unwounded hand to push himself away from Chima.

"Why would you care anyway?"

Chima rolled his eyes.

"There are a lot of speedsters, but not many alphas. There are probably no other alphas who are also speedsters. If Eteli sends you into the field, he wants to expect 100% results because not only can no one catch you, but no one can stop you. Another alpha's compulsion would very rarely work on you and if you find an obstacle in your path, you can control them to get out of your way. Do you think that's the kind of agent that Eteli wants to leave behind?"

He didn't know what to say to any of that. He'd never considered his position, in that light. He'd never thought that it was that important for him to matter. In a group with people as capable as Steven and Chima, Andem had thought he was the weak link. His power was common because he was bad at tech.

But all along, he'd been the weak link, not because of his abilities, but because of the values he'd chosen to uphold. Because of the things he believed in.

Andem didn't know how to feel about that. 

-*-

Andem stood by Jimmy's desk, nearly shaking to the bone.

He didn't know why he was so afraid. It wasn't as if Jimmy was going to flog him or expel him. He just didn't know what to feel about what he'd written. It was a tiny, flimsy test that he'd taken. In the grand scheme of things, it wouldn't mean much. 

Except, it meant everything.

"Hmm," Jimmy said, scratching his bearded chin. "That's quite a change from your last test."

"Is that a good change or a bad change?"

Jimmy deadpanned. "Don't play coy, Andem."

He looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry, Sir."

"How did you get past all your…" he waved the paper at Andem. "Personal hang-ups."

"Well," he said. "I just had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't an alpha. The targets didn't know I was an alpha so it didn't matter what options I picked for the scenarios. I could be anything. If I pretended that I was a beta taking the test, then I'd be just fine."

Jimmy smiled. "Nice hack, but you do realize that if you're in the field, an alpha who isn't on suppressants will know that you're an alpha too. In the same way, you'll know that they're also alpha. You can pretend for your tests, but the real world will be different."

Andem had known that. He'd even mentioned it to Chima when Chima suggested this.

"One problem at a time, Andem," Chima had said. "Pass your tests and we'll work on the field when we get to the field."

"I'll work on it, Sir."

"You do that," Jimmy said, handing him his test sheet. "Congratulations."

He looked down at the sheet and for the first time in sample assessments, Andem scored 50/50.