Shattered Illusions

Two days later, Gabe stood in the doorway, looking handsome as ever, in his gray suit. His tall lean frame, thick perfect eyebrows, clean-shaven face, tight jawline, arrogant straight nose, full lips, and lengthy dark hair styled neatly, is a testimony that he enjoyed his night away from me. The familiarity of his presence was overshadowed by the enormity of what lay between us -an abyss carved by betrayal and desperation. I could feel my heart racing as I waited for him to find the words that could either shatter me or heal the rift between us. 

Friend, he had said. Hah. His cheek just craved for my hand to lash across it. 

"Can we sit?" he asked, his voice unsteady. 

Stepping aside to let him in, I nod, after all, this is his house. He purchased it. The silence felt oppressive as I gestured toward the couch, and he sank into the cushions, running long fingers through his hair- a gesture I'd seen countless times but never with such weight. 

"I've been seeing someone," he began, his gaze fixed on the floor as if the truth were written in the carpet fibers. "Her name is Cassandra. She was my first love." 

Smack dab with the truth. Well, I wanted to know, didn't I? I felt my breath hitch, the world narrowing into a single point of pain. "Your first love?" I repeated my voice barely above a whisper. He never mentioned anything like this to me before. He'd only spoken casually about his past girlfriends. Even when I had talked about Jeremy, my ex whom I was in love with, he never said anything about being in love with this Cassandra, who wears plum color lipstick. 

"We reconnected after... well, after everything." He glanced up, his eyes searching mine, filled with a mixture of guilt and begging for sympathy. "She lost her husband to cancer a few months ago. They were married-" he sighed as if releasing a heavy burden. "-an arranged marriage. She never really had a chance to choose for herself." 

How selfish he is. Why had I never seen this side of him before? It's all foreign this new Gabe who was in love. Sure, we weren't the 'in love' couple but we suited each other. We matched well. We were compatible. At the office and here at home. 

"So now you want her?" I could hear the bitterness creeping into my words, but I couldn't help it. "Is that why you're leaving? Because you think you have a second chance?" 

Why did he not have his fling secretly and keep his home with me? 

He nodded slowly, a silent acknowledgment of the truth. "I didn't mean for this to happen, Meg. I never wanted to hurt you. But seeing her again... it brought everything back. I thought maybe this was fate giving me a second chance at love." 

"Your second chance?" I echoed, incredulous. "What about us? What about our marriage?" 

"Honestly?" He paused, and I could see the struggle in his eyes. "Our marriage was good for business, but it wasn't built on the kind of love I had with Cassandra. You have to understand that." 

"Understand?" My voice cracked as the reality of his words sunk in. "You want me to understand that our entire life together was just a transaction to you? That I was just a placeholder until your true love came back?" 

Mrs. Carter came down the wide large staircase not even glancing in our direction. She was an intuitive woman. She went into the kitchen and we resumed our conversation, having stayed quiet when we spotted her- not that she would have been minding our business. 

"Meg, please. I'm not saying you didn't mean anything to me. You did. But I can't give you what you need. I never wanted to hurt you, but..." Gabe made to hold my hand but I pulled away and even scooted back a bit and he pulled in his lips, nodding. 

What did he expect? For me to hold his hand and comfort him while he tore my house down? 

"But what? You want me to just be okay with it? To accept that I was just a step in your journey to find her?" My heart ached as the truth unraveled before me. 

Gabe took a deep breath, looking pained. "If you decide to keep the baby, I'll be there for you. I will support you. But I think it would be better for both of us if you didn't." 

The words struck me like a physical blow. "You don't want this child?" I managed, my voice trembling with disbelief. 

"I'm afraid I won't love it," he admitted, his honesty cutting deeper than I thought possible. "I never wanted kids in the first place. Not until I knew it was with the right person. And right now, that's not you." 

It's like he put a knife through me and twisted it. 

I felt my world tilt beneath me, and tears spilled down my cheeks as I wrestled with his selfishness. "So, you're telling me you'll be a father if I want it, but you'd rather I didn't? Because it might interfere with your fairy tale with Cassandra?" 

His silence spoke volumes, and I felt as if I were suffocating under the weight of his choices. Why must life treat me this way? I've always been kind and tried to do the right thing- always. 

"I can't believe this," I said, standing up abruptly. "You're asking me to choose between my child and your happiness." 

"Meg, it's not like that. I just want you to think about it. If you choose to keep it, I'll be there. I swear I'll help. But-" 

He became a blur through my burning eyes. "But you'll never love it. You'll never love me again." My voice cracked, the tears flowing freely now. "You've made your choice, Gabe. You've made it very clear." 

"I'm sorry," he said, his eyes filled with regret. "I truly am." 

I shook my head, anger and heartbreak battling inside me. "You don't get to say you're sorry when you're tearing our lives apart for someone else. I thought you loved me." He knew what I meant- even though we said the words to each other, it had always been like a friendship situation. Never with piercing emotions. 

"I did love you. I still care about you," he said, his voice strained. "But I need to be honest with you about my feelings. I think you and I both know we were never in love. Not in the real sense of it." 

 No, he could have lied. He could have kept the truth from me. He could have had his fling and his happiness and allowed our unborn baby and I to have ours. Because whether we were in love 'in the real sense' or not, vows are meant to be kept. 

"Honesty?" I scoffed, my heart aching with the weight of betrayal. "This isn't honesty; this is cowardice. You're running away to find comfort in someone else, leaving me to deal with the mess you created." 

"I'm trying to do the right thing," he insisted, desperation creeping into his tone. 

"Right for you," I countered, my heart pounding in my chest. "This is about you and your desires, not what's best for me or our baby. The right thing Gabriel would have been you not betraying the vows we took. That's the right thing." 

Gabe opened his mouth to respond, but I held up a hand to silence him. "I can't listen to this anymore. You've made your choice, and now I have to make mine. I turned away, needing to escape the weight of his gaze, needing to escape the reality of what he was saying. 

Turning away because I couldn't bear to see him any longer, I closed my eyes. "I hope you find what you're looking for, Gabe," I said, my voice barely above a whisper. "But don't expect me to be a part of it anymore." 

He grunts and I hear him rise from the couch, but I don't turn around and he doesn't respond. The silence felt final, and when I hear the front door click shut, a wave of relief washes over me, followed swiftly by a deep, consuming loneliness. 

Again, I take pills to sleep. Your personal life does not pause your work, does it? 

The next day, I call in sick to the office, my stomach cramping with anxiety and despair. The pain is too much and so barely able to walk, I curl up on the couch, hugging my knees to my chest, trying to push away the nausea that swirled within me. I couldn't believe what had happened. I couldn't believe I was losing Gabe, and the thought of facing the world without him- especially now- was unbearable. 

Swallowing painkillers, I curl up on the bed I used to share with Gabe and cried again tonight. 

As the hours passed, the cramps intensified, and I find myself lying on the floor, breathing through the pain and gaping at the red stain on the white bedsheet. I reached for my phone, dialing Doctor Singh's office, my hands shaking and the phone's screen blurry. 

"Dr. Singh? It's Megara Adkins. I'm having severe cramps... I think something's wrong," I managed to say, my voice strained. An indescribable pain rocks me then. 

"Meg, can you get to the office?" he asked, concern evident in his voice. "As soon as possible." I could picture him taking off his circular-shaped frames as he always did when he was on the phone. 

"Okay," I said, but before I could get up, darkness clouded my vision, and I slumped against the floor as everything fades away. "I'll try." 

No... darkness overtakes me as I feel the wet stickiness between my legs. My stomach's pain is unbearable and I scream out loud but who is there to hear me? My phone falls out of my hand. I feel a gushing between my legs. Pooling...warm...too much...nooooo... 

I try to fight against the clouds... I fail. 

"Shh, it's okay. The ambulance is on its way...." Mrs. Carter? She only comes on Thursdays and Sundays. Today is Wednesday...I'm trying to make sense of it. 

Blinding bright lights. Echos are all around but I cannot focus on any of the words. Pain. Panic. I know what's happening. Then darkness again. 

When I finally came to, the sounds around me were jarring. I blinked against- my head spinning I turn and- "Ah!". 

Confusion washed over me as I struggled to sit up, but the world tilted dangerously. I am on the floor- I'd fallen off the bed- why is it so low? And ugh, what is that stinky smell? 

"Whoa, Meg!" a familiar voice exclaimed, and I looked over to see Zulu, my old college roommate, staring at me from across the room and my stomach hit the floor. "You okay?" I hadn't seen her- well since college ended. 

Ten years ago.