Depression and Confession

When morning came, I opted to ignore the world. Bethany tried to get me out of bed, but I shooed her away. Mom came in shortly afterwards to get me up but gave up after a few minutes. It's nice to know I can still get her to do things my way. She took the twins downstairs and buried my face into my blankets. I just wanted to the world to go away. I wanted to sleep and stay asleep until life was over. I wasn't cut out for all this bullshisk. I think I've held up pretty well considering what I've been through this year. I mean, I've been arrested twice, sent to live with strangers; forced to be sober, had twins. Twins!! My best friend's twins at that. My best friend whom I have lost seemingly forever. Turned sixteen. Discovered my annoying uncle that I knew nothing about before coming here is actually my dad, who I thought was dead. Parents get married, I make friends with a horse and a skunk, of all animals. They both die; of course. I get adopted by a rambunctious three-year-old who now calls me Mom. I'm still only sixteen… And Gram, the most infuriating woman I have ever met, who took me in, cleaned me up, taught me things I didn't even know I wanted to know, knew things about me I didn't even know myself, and sneakily got me to love and cherish her… that woman now lies in hospital with God knows what injuries. I can't. I just can't. Not today. Maybe not ever again. I friggen hate life right now. I'm gonna stay in this bed and pretend I'm somewhere else. I'm done.

"Wake up, Buttercup!" Oh god. I forgot about my gargantuan aunt! "You and I are going in to pick up Gram." She announced as she ripped my blankets off me. "Come on. Get dressed."

"No." I whined, reaching for the covers. "I wanna stay in bed!"

"So," she said calmly with her arms crossed over her chest. "You're going in your pajamas?" She smirked with a raised eyebrow. This look told me two things. One; I was going with her dressed or not. Two; I was going with her regardless of whether I wanted to.

"Fine!" I grumbled as I got out of bed. I opted to stay in my pajamas though. Something about the Grumpy Cat t-shirt and paw print pants said all I wanted to say for the day. I slipped into my winter botts and coat and followed my favorite blonde amazon out the door.

"The kids are with your parents at their house. They're fine." May answered the question I had on my mind. So, apparently this witchy psychic thing is a normal thing around here. "Just in case you were wondering. They thought they'd give some time to yourself today since you were so adamant about staying in bed this morning." I just nodded an acknowledgement. "You know…" she persisted. I pursed my lips in annoyance and stared out my window as we drove. "It's been a tough month for everybody."

"I guess."

"You've been through a lot this year, I know. Been forced to do a lot of growing up in a very short time."

"Your point?"

"Just to remind you that it's okay to not be okay all the time." I rolled my eyes. Great. She has a sappy side. I wiped the stray tear that escaped before she could notice. "Pretending to be strong doesn't make you strong. It makes you tired. It's okay to cry sometimes." I blinked back more tears that tried to breach my wall. "Even if it's over something the world might think is silly." I could feel her eyes on me. I refuse to look at her. "Like a skunk."

So much for holding back tears. She had mention Jackie. I don't wanna cry over an animal. Damn it. Why Jackie? He was my friend. He was a skunk you idiot. I don't care, he was my friend. Stupid May. Why'd she have to remind me of him. Grrr. It hurts too much to think. "You know I hate you right now." I growled.

"Yes. And that's okay too."

By the time we reached the hospital, I had cried so much that I looked stoned because of how red my eyes were. I followed her into the main lobby and waited for her to deal with whatever she had to deal with at the front desk. I thoughtlessly thumbed through the magazines in the waiting area while avoiding eye contact with the others in the room. "Hey," May tapped my shoulder to gain my attention. "I gotta head upstairs for a bit. Do you mind waiting down here?" My eyes widen a bit as I lookeda round at all the people in the waiting room. She must've interpreted my expression as panic because she followed up with, "Or in the chapel maybe? I'm sure there isn't too many folks in there right now." I agreed and she led me to the chapel before going to the elevator station.

Thankfully she was right; the chapel was empty, much to my relief. I sat in the front pew just staring at the artwork on the back wall. I've seen enough this year to know God was real, but I wasn't ready to give my life over Him. He let too much crap happen for me to trust Him. I closed my eyes and silently demanded Him to give me good reasons to believe in Him. Why should I even entertain the idea of Christianity when I know there is no way I could keep all those stupid rules.

The air in the chapel change and I became acutely aware that I was no longer alone. I shot up from my seat and spun around to find Darren walking towards me. I momentarily froze in place. Wasn't sure if I should bolt or simply apologize and leave. "I'm sorry," he said raising one hand in surrender. "I didn't mean scare you."

My heart about jumped from my chest at his voice. "I-it's o-okay. Umm… I-I should go."

"No. No, don't. It's cool. I can come back later. It's no biggie. My wife said she wanted to meet here, but I see she hasn't arrived so I can wait outside." He turned to go and my view of his backside was better than the front, if you can imagine.

"Wait!" I called after him. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

Turning towards me, which raised my gaze upward to his face, he responded, "Sure."

"How long have you been into this God stuff?"

"You mean, how long have I been a Christian?" He walked to the front and sat in the pew across the aisle from me.

"Yeah. Same same."

"Well, being the preacher's son that I am, I have been a Christian my whole life. But it wasn't until my wife and I lost our first son in our second year of marriage that I can became a man of God."

"What's the difference?"

"Relationship."

"That literally makes no sense to me."

"Okay. Let me see if I can think of a way to put it so you can understand." He looked up towards the ceiling in thought as he rubbed the stubble on his chin. He was letting his facial hair grow since cutting off his long hair. The look aged him a bit, but it didn't detract from his devilish good looks. "I met my wife when I was ten. It wasn't love at first sight, mind you, as she was the annoying little six-year-old friend of my sister, but I was attracted. By the time I was fourteen, I had decided she was the one for me though at that time it was more about possession than love. I spent all of her teen years chasing off other boys and 'fathering' her in an overprotective way, but not once did I express my interest in her or admit or explain my actions. I wanted her and I knew she wanted me, but I wasn't willing to admit it, I'd push her away and keep her close at the same time. I did the same thing with God. Went to church and Bible studies, listened to the music but didn't bring Him into my daily life. I kept pushing Him away while keeping Him close at the same time."

"Now when Erin was sixteen, she had a date for the prom. Had it not been for my upbringing in the church and understanding that murder was wrong, I would've torn that dude up. I was insanely jealous and angry. It was then that I knew I wanted more of her. But she was still too young and though I wasn't 'close' to God, I was good at following the rules. Mostly. I mean my parents did kick me out for coming home early and crawling into bed with her on her birthday."

"Oh my god, seriously?"

"Nothing happened! I swear but they were furious, and I got the boot. In retrospect, that was a good thing "

"She moved here after graduation and I should have followed but my pride and insecurities got the better of me and I stayed here hoping she'd come back after university."

"I have a hard time believing you have insecurities. You're too gorgeous to be insecure." Why did I just say that aloud?

He laughed a bit. "Well, thank you. But my looks have done more harm than good for me growing up. Certain things are assumed and expected of you when you look like this. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Trust me. And on that note, life took a rather unfortunate and bizarre turn and I ended up in scandalous situation. You can look it up if you want. It made the national news."

"Oh? What kind of scandal? You get a high society girl knocked up?"

"In a manner of speaking. Sort of. The governor's daughter."

I slapped my hands to my mouth and squealed, "No way!"

He raised a finger in protest. "But I'm not the one who got her pregnant as I was saving myself for Erin."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. I just ended up engaged to her against both our wills. When Erin got the news, she came to visit to find out if and why it was true. We ended up spending the weekend together as lovers. She got pregnant that weekend and I got married a few days later to the governor's teenaged daughter who was carrying her boyfriend's baby."

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow. But things worked out. I never laid a hand on my first wife and we divorced as soon as she was eighteen. She married the father of her children and I married the mother of mine."

"So how does this tell me what being a Christian is like? I mean sounds like y'all are just like everyone else."

"We are for the most part. But being a Christian is about following rules. It trying to be a good person because that's what we think God wants. It's behaving out of fear of punishment. It's having Jesus in your life as just a Savior, not Lord and Savior. Being a Christian often leaves room for poor judgment and rebellion. Like my weekend with Erin before we were married. We were both so angry at the situation that we ignored the rules without any consideration of the consequences. Of course, there's forgiveness, but there are things that just can't be taken back. I mean, one day we will have to explain to Amelia why she was born before our wedding day when we teach abstinence before marriage."

"So, you get to do what you want and just ask for forgiveness and you're good?"

"Not really, but sorta I guess. It certainly seems that way to the unbeliever, but it's more than that. It's knowing that God loves you even when you're being stupid."

"And how is being a man of God different?"

"Jesus is not just my Savior. He is my Lord. It is intimacy with God. It's living and breathing the Word every day because you crave it and not out of obligation. It's knowing God on a personal level in way that words cannot explain. It's the purest form of love a human can express. It's how temptations and sin lose all their power. It's like... I know what women think of me and how I look. Trust me when I say beauty can be a curse. But no matter how many women, and some men, have tried throwing themselves at me, I have not engaged in that sin because of my relationship with my God. My wife is the only woman with whom I am intimate in my life because of my relationship with Christ Jesus. But that relationship developed over time. I started out a rule follower, went rebellious, to fearful, back to following rules, to incredibly hurt and angry, to true obedience, to deeply in love."

"I still don't think I'm cut out for this stuff."

"Think of it like this. You like someone. They like you. You get to know each other and over time you fall in love and get married, then you get intimate and spend the rest of your life learning things you didn't know in the beginning. Every day you learn something new. Some things you like. Some things you don't. Like, I have known Erin most of her life, but I didn't know, until after we were married that one of her favorite foods was fried egg and peanut butter sandwiches. Do know how disgusting that is?!"

"Oh my gosh, really!? That's gross!"

"It is, but regardless of her nasty taste in food, I love her with every fiber of my being. Nasty sandwiches are not a deal breaker. And the best part about being in a relationship with God is that He already knows everything about you. Everything. The good, the bad, the unspeakable and the outspoken and He loves you. Always has. Always will. Even if you end up rejecting Him in the end."

"Hey, honey!" His wife called from the door. "Sorry I'm late. My appointment went a little over today." She walked to where he was sitting and offered him a kiss. I was super jealous for a split second, then I felt utterly guilty for such a thought when noticed her rather pregnant belly. She drew her attention to me and smiled. "Hey, there Melissa. He's not being mean to you, is he?"

I shook my head. "No, he was just telling me your peanut butter and egg sandwiches." I grimaced.

"What? Those are the bomb! Much better than his banana and ham paninis."

"Ew! Both y'all have some weird tastes. I bet your kids either their cereal with orange juice."

"Yes, actually. Amelia does." Erin offered with a grin.

"And yet, God still loves us. Crazy food and all."

The door opened gaining our attention. May entered with Gram following, the latter wearing a cast on her left arm that was held to her body in a type of a sling that kept her from moving the arm. They had broad smiles on their faces as if they had won the lottery. "You ready to go home Magpie?" Gram asked. "I think we can start decorating for Christmas now that the season of disaster is behind us."

I ran to her and hugged as tight as I could without touching her injured arm. She held me long enough for me to be the first to let go. I was so relieved to see she wasn't severely injured. There was so much I wanted to say to her, but I just couldn't get words to form. She kissed the top of my head and whispered, "I know, sweetie. I know." I took solace in her statement about the disasters being over. I believed her. I waved goodbye to Darren and Erin and left feeling a lot lighter than when I had arrived.