Chapter Three - Being a child has its limits

It was a cold autumn day when my brother was born. He was healthy and my mother had no complications, but it took longer than normal for her to fully recover, so my parents made a conscious decision not to have any more kids.

„We already have two healthy and beautiful children. Thank you for bringing them into this world, now you just need to be happy with us." That's what my father said to convince her. Aristocratic families usually wanted as many children as possible, because you never know when one or two would die of some disease and an heir was very important to them. Although my mother only wanted to have a big family. „I would be happy to have as many children as you wanted, but your health is more important. Please, the kids and I would be heartbroken if anything happened to you." My father knelt by her bed and squeezed her hand. I stopped in front of my brother's crib and looked at his sleeping face.

„I understand, but... I need some time." She closed her eyes. She was exhausted and had just received bad news.

„Rest well, my love." He stood up, kissed her forehead and then came to me. He picked me up and we left her and the baby to the servants.

The next month was not easy. My mother was almost always sad and my father seemed troubled, struggling to find a way to bring back her smile. I could understand their feelings, so I wanted to do something but I was at a loss. If my mother was suffering from postpartum depression then there was nothing I could do and I didn't even have the internet to find a solution.

What could a 4-year-old child do? Not much. I thought about drawing something, but with these little hands, it was impossible to do anything recognizable. I wanted to draw her favourite flowers because they were out of season but... I could pick some even if they weren't her favourites. She always smiled a little when Father brought her some because he chose them personally. Even if I had a way to buy something expensive, it wouldn't mean anything because she could buy it for herself, but if I picked some flowers... She will know I was thinking about her.

So carefully avoiding the maid's eyes I sneaked out of my room, but on my way to the garden, I was sidetracked by my baby brother. He wasn't crying but he was whimpering like an abandoned puppy, so I went over to his crib.

„I am sorry, Rihian. Are you lonely? Just give Mom some time and she will shower you with love." There was a little step next to his cradle for me, so I could see him whenever I wanted. I climbed up and patted his head.

The first moment I saw him, he became the apple of my eyes. He was such an adorable and good kid. He hardly cried and was not fussy at all, unlike me as a baby. I was proud of him. He inherited our mother's violet locks and our father's blue eyes, although this was rarely seen because he was mostly asleep.

„She is a little sad these days but will get better with time. We have to believe in her. I will come back later." But as I pulled my hand back, he started crying, so I caressed his lovely head again. „I don't want to leave you, but I have a mission." Or maybe? I was only 4 years old but I was not weak. I could carry him without a problem. I usually didn't because my parents and the maids always looked at me worriedly, what would happen if I dropped him. But I was sure I wouldn't. „Do you want to come with me? Our first adventure!"

I carefully took him in my arms and headed towards the garden. I thought everything would go according to my plan. He wasn't heavy but over time it got harder to carry him and the garden was further away than I remembered. Maybe it was because my father usually brought me himself and with his long legs he made it look like something close. But I wasn't ready to give up. I just needed some rest.

I sat down under a tree with Rihian on my lap. I stroked his hair as I sang him a song from my past life.

„Do you like it? Sometimes I want to sing my favourite songs, but people would look at me strangely so I can't. But you're not going to tell anyone, are you?" I bumped his nose with my finger and he laughed at me. „Now, let's continue our journey." I told him after a while, then I got up and went on.

It is exhausting for a 4-year-old to walk such a long distance while holding a baby. I overestimated myself and my abilities. Sometimes I forgot that my body couldn't keep up with my mind, but still...

„He would say that I am a very single-minded person." I mumbled under my breath. It's true. Once I've decided on something, I just can't give up on it. I was determined to get these flowers to my mother even if I passed out afterwards. In my zeal, the flowers became like some miracle medicine in my mind. Like something she must have, no matter how stupid it is.

Arriving in the flower garden felt like entering heaven. I sighed in relief as I put him down on a bench and crouched down to observe the flowers. Mom's favourite flower was the one that was the same colour as Dad's eyes. The closer the colour, the better. Which one should I choose?

„Lirietta! Rihian!" Who would call for a baby who can't answer? Well, he could make some noise but... Whatever! Does anyone need anything?

„Lirietta!" That sounded like Mother. But she didn't leave her room for days, so it didn't make sense.

„Rihian! Lirietta!" Father? Why are they in such a panic?

„Mommy! Daddy!" I shouted after standing up. I was so used to calling them that I wasn't even embarrassed anymore. „Mommy, Daddy!" I kept calling them. I had no idea why they were searching for us so desperately, but they could come to us faster than the other way around.

„Liri!" In the next moment, I was wrapped in my mother's arm. „I am sorry, my baby! I was such a terrible mother that you wanted to run away." What? I just went to pick some flowers. I know you are a dramatic person, but this is a bit much... "I'll do better, I swear! I will be the perfect mother for you and Rihian! I will take care of all of you!" She looked exhausted and tears were streaming down her face. And yet, she was still beautiful. I guess that's what happens when you are the main character in a novel.

„Sweetheart, our daughter is not like that. She is a smart girl, so she wouldn't think like that." I looked towards my father. He picked up my brother and cradled him. After taking a few steps, he stood next to us and put his hand on Mom's shoulder.

I could say many things, serious and eloquent words to try to ease her anxious mind but it would be weird to come from a child. I wanted to express my feelings properly but I had to do it childishly. And it was harder than it seemed.

 I knew you were in a bad place and it was hard for you Mother, and I didn't want to rush you or make it worse. I just wanted to make you happy, but you can take your time. One step at a time until you feel you are ready to face everything again.

„Mommy... Flowers...." I looked down shyly. „I wanted to give flowers to mommy." I apologize to all four years old. I have no idea how they act or talk, so this is just my guess. „To be happy." Damn, that's embarrassing. That's why I am not a talkative child.

„I understand your intention, Lirietta, but what you did was wrong." My father's voice was stern, but the hand he placed on my head was gentle and caring. „You can't just disappear with your brother without telling anyone. It's okay if you want to go somewhere but you should tell a maid and bring someone with you. Your mother and I were sick with worry when we didn't find you at the mansion."

Oh. It never even crossed my mind. I was a child, so of course they would be worried if I suddenly disappeared. I am really stupid, aren't I? How could it be that even after 4 years I am still not used to being a kid, and think of myself as an almost adult?

„So sorry," I muttered and I meant it.

„Don't you hate mommy?" My mother looked into my eyes, still crying.

„I love mommy so so so much." I hugged her. „And daddy too. And Rihian." I looked up at him, who was still being held by Father.

„I love you too, my sweet child." She whispered into my hair. „And if my daughter loves me so much, I can't let her down." Her smile was weak, but it was a smile nonetheless.

„And I love you all." My father embraced us and we stayed like that for a while.

That day was a turning point. Mother didn't get miraculously better, but she called a doctor and started taking care of her physical and mental health. We took a walk every day in the garden as a family, she ate very healthy food, and she started participating in social events again in moderation.

There were better and worse days, but even on the worse days she made an effort to not stay in bed all day and over time her condition improved. I was proud to be her daughter.

Thanks to her determination and effort, Father's mood improved as well. He frowned less and was less strict with the servants, which made the atmosphere of the house better. Mother was the heart of the family and the sun itself. It was as if the sun came out again after a very long time.

By the time my brother turned one, our family was back to its old self and our days were filled with happiness.