First Love: Mo Xue (37)

-In the heart and mind of Noble Son Shen-

My name is Shen Li.

Being raised inside the First Rank Minister's household comes with a lot of perks, and being born as the eldest son, bring forth a lot of responsibilities as well.

I spend my childhood learning language and etiquette, sword plays and politics, all in preparation to take my father's place when he retires later. All my life is spent inside the classroom and the training arena since the day I'm able to walk.

Sometimes, I would envy my younger brother. He can have all the fun in the world while I'll be stuck inside the library. More than often, I would stare at him, while he was playing outside with his servants. Mother told me, this is my responsibility as the eldest, and my younger brother will have his set of responsibilities too.

A few years later, my mother passed away after birthing my sister. Upon the fisrt look, all I can think about is how lovely she is, and I pity her for not being able to experience mother's love. Father dote on her, spoiling her, giving in to her demands and tantrums, while me and second brother were doing the same too. Sometimes, I do feel that we pamper her a bit too much, but looking at such cute chubby cheeks, puffing in sadness when her candy drop on the floor, melts my heart away.

Back then, all I can think of was, this poor child is motherless. Let her have her fill to compensate for it.

Sigh. If only I hardened my heart to discipline her well back then...

I was already abroad at some foreign country, studying, when the news came that my sister is getting married. No, not married. Enters a Prince household. I was shocked to the core, knowing that my father had sent me abroad with an intention to marry my sister to some foreign royalties.

I wanted to rush back home and asked what happen, but Father wrote a separate letter, saying that is what my little sister wants, becoming the Prince woman. Even if she would only bear the title of concubine.

I wonder what makes my father relent when I already knows of his ambitions to bridge a relationship with foreign royalties. He later disclosed to me how she tries to commit suicide when he refuses.

Sigh. This spoiled princess of ours.

It got me thinking, perhaps it was for the best. She wants to be together with the one that she likes. It is much better than marrying someone she doesn't know, right? At least she is near home, if anything, it will be easier for Father to look out after her.

I continued my study abroad, ditching all together the notion of finding the perfect groom for my sister. Three years later, as I try to complete my study, I received some news from home, dictating that my little sister have been bullied by the Prince's legal wife. I rush back home without completing the final part of my study, wanting to comfort my sweet sister.

I read Father's letter, I listen to her story. Hatred builds in my heart, want to crush the one who makes my sister's cry.

How wrong was I.

I want to laugh to the world, laughing at how stupid I am for trusting blindly. But the one who lies is my father and my dear sister. If I can't trust them, then who can I trust?

Our family was destroyed due to greed. My father's greed, wanting to control the Prince, and my sister's greed, wanting to harm and wanting what's not hers. The Emperor sentenced them, but leaving me unharmed. I'm thankful for that, as he let me uphold what's left of this household.

But the Shen's are no longer the First Rank family, and all the prestige of the late generation was washed away. I, the heir that supposed to take over my father's place as a first rank minister, is now standing at the back of the court, as an assistant to the palace's clerk, a position that is much lower than the palace attendant.

It is all my fault.

My fault for failing to notice the real truth.

My fault for pampering my dear motherless sister until she can't differentiate between right or wrong.

My fault for not being able to stop my father's greed.

My fault... for falling for someone that is not for me.

Yes... throughout my life, I've never felt this way, an itching in my heart, wanting... wanting to hold and to keep a certain someone by my side.

Who would have thought, that certain someone was first hated by me, thinking how that person had bullied my sister.

Yes... I'm in love with the Fourth Prince's Consort.

From the first moment I laid my eyes on him I was enchanted by his twinkling eyes, his flushed porcelain skin, and his pleasured features. More than once I found myself dreaming about him, thinking... that I am the one who bring such looks to his delicate face. His satisfied moans keeping ringing in my ears, on every lonely night. I can only shamefully release myself with such memory, which I will later feel so disgusted for doing such thing.

"Big Brother, I'm here."

I turn away from the window, facing the beauty that always reside in my mind. Today, out of the blue, Delegate Jun asked me for tea, saying that his little cousin wants to meet. I can hardly keep my composure, want to scream for joy, for being able to get a chance to meet him again.

I wonder, would he hate me? Why would he want to meet me? After all, I'm the sibling of the one that tries to harm him. My spirit dampen by miles when I thought about it, but I agree with the invitation.

Now, here he is. Looking ravishing in deep red, as his pale skin creating an enchanting contrast. My eyes can't stop looking at him, truly in trance, until another sentence wakes me up.

"Your Highness, I didn't know that you'll be coming too."

I turn my gaze to the other person, the husband, the Fourth Prince. My smile fell, seeing their matching robe, as he strode inside the room with all the majestic of an emperor. The Prince is wearing a red robe with gold stitching while his bride, the one that I have fallen in love with, is donning an exact same robe, same design with silver threads.

Truly... As what as they all have said, a match made in heaven.

"Greetings, Your Highness. Greetings, Consort."

I bow my head in salutation, trying to hide my eyes that are now close to tears. No matter how much I love the other person, I know that he can be belong to me, at least, not in this lifetime. Perhaps... we can be together in another world, when my love destiny is not so twisted as this[¹].