Chapter 13: Victoria

September 30th, 1956

Los Angeles, CA

ㆍ✿ જ⁀➴ 🪻(Pov switch!!!) 

Oh Dear Lord God in heaven above, please forgive me for what I just did!!!

I'm not in my right mind!!!!

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My name is Jane Myers. And, recently, I think I've been going out of my mind!

My father died when I was only a little girl, and my mother got married almost instantly afterward. I thought it was queer, but it's not right to question authority.

My stepfather is an odd man. He's very wealthy, but he's so horrid to my mother!

I don't understand why she loves him!

I know for a fact he sleeps around with other women, and she knows he does too.

I once asked her, "Mother, isn't adultery and fornication a sin?"

She rebuked me and said, "Don't question your father, Jane Myers! He's a pastor; he does no wrong. The Lord chose him to teach us all!"

 I was puzzled. There were so many women in the church who had done the same and got punished. But when my stepfather does it, it's fine? Because he's a man? Because he's a pastor? That makes no sense!

I mean, I understand that God created us women to be helpers of men, but this just seems a bit unfair. A sin is a sin. Why does it matter who commits it? I don't understand...

My stepfather often tells me that I'm far too pretty for "just a teenage girl" and that if I weren't his wife's daughter, I'd be the one he'd be married to.

He often says this when he enters my room late at night while I'm writing poems or reading. He says it all while wrapping his arms around my neck, and I hate it more than anything.

He's been doing this since I turned 10, and no matter how many times I try to tell my mother how dreadfully uncomfortable he makes me, she won't listen.

 I only get scolded with a, "He's only complimenting you; you should be grateful! The Bible says to honor thy mother and thy father, and you're not doing so! How do you think the Lord would feel?"

I never mean to be disrespectful... maybe my mother is right. I'm probably just not used to it since I haven't been around my actual father in so long.

I have an older brother; he's 26, and I'm 17.

 I haven't seen him in a long time since he serves in the military in Massachusetts.

I try to write to him, but he never answers.

I don't think he likes me since he always writes to mother, but won't even respond to my letters. I've stumbled across some of their letters, and they've described me as "spoiled and ungrateful." I don't mean to be? I do pray to God that He'll help me to be better to those in authority over me.

Anyways... this isn't the main problem here!!!

You see, I have a lover, his name is Tom. He goes to my stepfather's church.

When I was in my Sophomore year, he asked my stepfather if he could court me. I didn't know how to feel, and still don't.

I mean, Tom is practically my fiancé... but I don't like it when he kisses me... his lips are very chapped! And his haircut... isn't very pleasant. He also doesn't smell the greatest. And... he doesn't have a pretty face!

Oh, but I do like him! I think?

 I don't appreciate it when he tries to charm the other girls.

Tom often tells me what to wear, how to style my hair, and who to hang out with.

 I asked my mother about it. She told me, "Thats exactly what he should be doing. He's your future husband and you need to start practicing how to submit to him. Whatever he says goes. The Bible says, 'Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.' You should know that, Jane. We've raised you to know this."

And I do know this! But... my clothing too? 

To be quite frank, I'm not excited to marry him in the future. I do like him...or at least I'm supposed to...

Anyways, I'm getting off track again!

Tom and I went to Hollywood so he could pick out what dress I would wear to have dinner with him and his friends. While we were there, we bumped into my classmate Priscilla.

Priscilla is a lovely girl. She's very kind and always invites me to eat with her... but I always have to refuse because Tom wants me to sit with him and his friends.

I don't understand why he wants me to sit with them when all they do is make fun of me.

Now, Priscilla had this beautiful girl with her! I had never seen a girl so pretty.

She looked so bold and almost... alluring! I felt this odd attraction to her and a pounding of my heart and a... well... strong desire to get to know her!

 Is this what Tom was supposed to make me feel?

Why could she do so and he couldn't?

 It was so queer!

I mean, she had such fierce features and such a serious face and just—oh my gosh!

Her eyes were a deep blue and cat-like, and she wore dark lipstick.

 Her hair was black and shoulder-length and it only added to her fierce look!

I felt like a total fangirl!

And she had such a perfect figure; I'm sure so many girls would be jealous!

I didn't realize why I liked being around her so much risked running off from Tom every lunch to be with her until yesterday!

We went to fetch a ball because the coach asked us to do so.

When we opened the shed, we saw Troy Thompson and some boy whose name I've learned is "Dante" kissing!

I let out a loud scream.

I didn't know homosexuals actually existed??? And especially not at my school!

I thought only a few very queer wicked people were homosexuals!!!

Oh, but to make matters worse, I've been thinking about Tori like one!

Oh, this is just pure evil, sinful, shameful. I can't do this!!!

 Oh, but again...Tori... no, no, no! I don't know WHAT is wrong with me!!!

 Earlier, I spoke to her about homosexuals, and for a few minutes, I really began to question why God says they're wrong. And then... I did the WORST thing I think I've ever done!

 I asked her to dance with me, kissed her cheeks, and then invited her to sleepover this weekend, AND WINKED AT HER!!! Where was I even going with that???

Oh, this is sooooo bad! I should be LOCKED AWAY IN A MENTAL ASYLUM!!!!

Lord God in heaven, please forgive me, and snap me out of this!!!!

It's okay, it's okay, I'll get over it once I see Tom tonight!

 I was just surprised by Dante and Troy... that's all.

 And I've been away from Tom so long that I'm starting to think queerly!

By the way... I should probably write Troy and Dante an apology letter....