The robbery

Ned, the waiter, and I were lying on the ground as the robber moved through the café, taking wallets and phones from terrified patrons and dropping them into his bag. Once he was done, he approached a man in a suit, who was shivering in front of me. Without warning, the robber kicked the man in the stomach and shouted, "Give me the fucking watch, you son of a bitch!" 

I found the situation suspicious because the man had already willingly handed over his watch earlier. The robber then knelt beside the man, who was writhing in pain, and whispered a question that only my enhanced hearing could pick up, "Is your name Antoniv?" The man's terror intensified, and he made a small, terrified nod.

The robber reached for his gun, which he had left on the table, clearly intending to kill Antoniv. It was obvious that this wasn't just a simple robbery; they wanted to make it look like one while taking out a target. Initially, I held back from interfering because it seemed like an ordinary robbery, but with a man's life now in danger, I had to act. Ignoring Peter's instinct to protect our identity, I reached into my bag.

I grabbed the special flashlight I'd bought for my next video and flashed it directly into the robber's eyes. The sudden blindness caused him to stumble, giving me the perfect opportunity to roll forward from my prone position and kick him in the chest. Even with minimal force, the kick sent him sliding across the floor, where he was immediately subdued by two bodybuilder-looking guys who had been sitting nearby.

I quickly grabbed the gun from the table, engaged the safety, removed the magazine, and emptied the chamber. Despite the chaos, I helped the man named Antoniv to his feet and asked, "Why did they put a hit on you?" My voice was curious, and the man, still shaking, replied, "I'm a reporter. I have evidence." He didn't say anything more, likely to keep me out of further danger.

The police soon arrived, arresting the robber and pulling me aside to scold me for my "reckless and unnecessary actions." I explained what had really happened and why the robber chose to target a café of all places. The officers seemed to take my words seriously and quickly pulled Antoniv aside, probably to place him in witness protection.

As I was about to search for Ned, a black police officer approached me, asking, "They say you distracted him before kicking him back. What did you use, kid?" I pointed to his waist, and he looked down, puzzled. "A gun?" he asked, suspiciously. I quickly shook my head, panicking. "No! The one next to it," I replied. He looked again. "A flashlight, huh?" I nodded, and he pondered for a moment before saying, "You did good, kid. I'll probably use that flashlight trick myself, but be more careful out there, alright?"

Since Ned and I were still minors, the police had to call our guardians to pick us up. Once we got home, Ned immediately called me, shouting, "That was so awesome, dude! You blinded that guy to kingdom come, and bam—straight to his chest, just like in *300*! And then those bodybuilders held him down like in a wrestling match. It was all so cool!" We chatted for a while about this and that until Ned suddenly screamed into the phone, "DUDE, HOLY SHIT, OPEN THIS CLIP!"

/Buttergod Reacts to Sparta Kid/

I clicked on the link to see the famous YouTuber Buttergod browsing his subreddit, which somehow already existed. I was used to watching his content, so I asked Ned, "What's so great about this anyway?" Ned immediately cut the call and sent me a specific timestamp in the video. I skipped ahead and watched.

Buttergod: "So, who the hell sorts Reddit by hot anyway? Let's see the new posts and judge how low my viewers' intelligence can get."

Buttergod's brand of humor was what made him famous—his relentless roasting of his audience, bordering on bullying.

As he sorted Reddit by new, the first video that popped up caught his attention. "'When the quiet kid is done with the bullying'—that's an interesting title, but I'm afraid we're about to see another school shooting, so we'll poison-test it with my editor. Jack, if it isn't good for YouTube, cut it." 

The video started playing, showing the café's CCTV footage. The robber kicked a man in a suit before kneeling beside him and reaching for his gun. Buttergod, expecting something graphic, muttered, "Oh god, fuck me," but he couldn't tear his eyes away.

As someone who spent a lot of time in the darker parts of Reddit, Buttergod had seen his fair share of death but never looked away out of respect for the victims. Despite the heavy feeling in his chest, he kept watching, bracing for the man's inevitable death.

But then, just as all hope seemed lost, a nerdy-looking kid—me—used a flashlight to blind the robber, rolled forward, and kicked him in the chest. The robber slid away, and the kid performed a kung-fu kick-up before disassembling the gun with precision. Buttergod's jaw dropped so wide that people started calling him "Throatgoat."

Buttergod: "Holy shit, we've got a real-life John Wick! Let's watch this again." He replayed the video, screaming, "Oh my god, that looks like it's straight out of a movie!" But then his expression turned suspicious. "Wait, is this some kind of publicity stunt for a new movie?" He checked the comments for confirmation and found someone linking the context. Buttergod clicked on it, and a news report played.

A reporter stood in front of the café, with police and an ambulance in the background. "Today on 6th Avenue, at Rogers Café, we came close to witnessing a tragedy, if not for the brave actions of a young man who stopped a gunman from killing another man over a watch, which the victim had refused to part with because it was a memento from his mother..."

Buttergod resumed his "Throatgoat" expression, yelling, "If I'm ever stuck in a school shootout, I hope this kid is there to save me and carry me away in a princess carry!" He continued gushing about his newfound admiration for the "quiet kid" in the video.

I felt conflicted. Peter's memories reminded me of the nagging I'd face from Aunt May and Uncle Ben if they found out about the video, though I'd already been scolded. At the same time, I couldn't help but think about what might have happened if I hadn't acted. The image of blood and brain matter splattering on my face made me shudder.

I shook off the horrifying thought and considered the consequences of the video going viral. Thankfully, it had only been uploaded on Reddit and wasn't included in the news report, so my identity was safe. I didn't need to worry too much about it.

Feeling smug, I sent Ned a message: "It was just a YouTube video, and May and Ben are as far from it as the Atlantic." I added a laughing emoji at the end. But my confidence quickly drained when Ned replied: "But it's on TV though."

As my brain tried to process the implications, I heard a yell from downstairs, "PETERRRR!" Holy shit, my ears are going to be destroyed today.